During the course of a night out on the town, a person likes to have a drink, or twenty. And on that voyage, there are some very clear stages you pass through. We decided to outline them for you, so that you could monitor where you’re at during the night.
Stage 1: “I Could Go For A Few Beers”
You’ve decided to start the night off right by kicking back a few brews with your friends and relaxing a little. You take the opportunity to catch up on the events of the day, and kill the time until the alcohol kicks in. A hilarious discussion about a topical viral video that everyone watched at work today will kill most of that time, and you also brought up “this crazy episode of House” that you watched earlier in the week, which all of your friends agree was “really crazy.” You and your buddies will waste time with sighs, awkward silences, and funny stories about your youthful days until the booze goes to work.
Stage 2: “This Beer Tastes Awesome”
By now, the alcohol has started to soak into your blood stream. You’re feeling relaxed, loose, and comfortable. Most importantly, that beer you’re drinking has changed. Twenty minutes ago, you almost had to choke it down, but now it tastes absolutely delicious. In fact, you’re pretty sure the bartender did something different to it to make it so delicious. So how do you get more beer? Well, since one of your buddies is already up at the bar, you can just yell at him to get you another! It’ll save you the walk over there, and the other people in the crowded bar won’t mind you yelling your friend’s name over and over. In fact, you don’t even have to use words, once you get his attention. Just point at your glass, then point at him, and raise your eyebrows. If he doesn’t understand, just do the same thing again, but really accentuate the gestures more. If he still doesn’t get it, just start yelling really loudly at him. Whatever you do, don’t just walk across the bar and get it yourself. That would be a waste of time!
Stage 3: “We’re All Doing Shots!”
The only people who willingly swallow a disgusting liquid and then say “oh yeah!” afterwards are drunk people and porn stars. And both usually have a high percentage of ending their night with something stuck in their asshole. During this stage, you usually put your arms around people and say things like “This guy right here…this fuggin guy…this is the guy, right here…” but never actually say anything about that guy. And since no one ever wants to do shots alone, what usually happens is you try and rally your friends to do it by giving them a speech like it’s half time of the Super Bowl and you’re down 27 points. “Come on you guys. Let’s f&*king do this! I’m tired of you guys sitting around being f&^king pussies! You need to step this shit up!”
Stage 4: “A Grizzly Bear Would Kick A Gorilla’s Ass In A Fight.”
Drunk people are like Bill O’Reilly, they have a ton of opinions, and they think if they yell them loud enough, it makes them right. At this point in the night, you’re feeling pretty confident in yourself, and pretty much anything anyone says or does will cause you to start an argument. You basically become a woman on her period, except less bloated. Then you force everyone to take a side in some made up argument like, “Would you rather get a blowjob from a dude, or get boned in the ass by a girl wearing a strap-on?”
Stage 5: “I Am Going To Drink All The Time Every Day Forever.”
Right now you have no idea why you haven’t spent your entire life drinking because DRINKING IS TOTALLY AWESOME. Everything rules. All those stupid little problems you had earlier in the day don’t matter. In fact, you can’t even remember what they were because THIS SONG ON THE JUKEBOX IS THE GREATEST SONG YOU’VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE! Holy shit this is an epic night. You realize how much you really, truly love your friends and, starting tomorrow, you’re totally going to start on all those plans you were talking about the last time you went out drinking. Like applying to Grad school, and writing that screenplay and going to the gym five days a week. You’re life is going to be different from now on. You’re a new man who’s going to get shit done. But first, let’s get another round and PUT THAT SONG ON THE JUKEBOX AGAIN. In fact, this song is so good, you’re going to play this song five times in a row, just so everyone in this bar understands how AWESOMELY EPIC THIS SONG IS. Drinking rules.
Stage 6: “Your Face Is A Stupid Face.”
At this point, you’re “totally fun night out with your friends” turns a corner to become a “dark journey into the recesses of your mind.” You feel the need to voice (loudly) all the problems you have with your friends. You feel it is your duty to bring up anything from an old pal’s tendency to always be late, to a friend’s inability to deal with a childhood molestation. So you climb up on your high horse and find fault with everyone at the table except yourself. Then come the horrible impressions of your friends that just consist of "Hey check me out, I’m mike and I think of other chicks when I’m doing my girlfriend!" meanwhile Mike is standing next to his girlfriend. And when someone tells you to A) Chill out or B) Shut up, you can only respond with petty, verbal attacks that make fun of your friend’s hair/clothes/face. You will spend many hours of the next day saying things like, “Uhh, hey man, I think I said a few things that…ya know, maybe I shouldn’t have. I was pretty bombed. We’re cool, right?”
Stage 7: “This Sidewalk Is Having Some Problems”
For obvious reasons, the night usually comes to a close after Stage 6. So, on your way home, fully blacked out, you realize that pouring buckets of alcohol into your face for seven straight hours actually does have an affect on your ability to stand, walk, and move your limbs. Staggering home to your bed becomes your main focus, but for some reason you find yourself stopping to tell random passersby your thoughts, which consist mainly of, “Whoooooo! The (Insert Favorite Sports Team) are totally gonna WHOOOOO!” Then you usually fall down into someone’s yard and offer a policeman a beer.
Stage 8: “Your…Pudgerdugffffgjjjj…Tell You Some…Farderschmard?”
During this final stage, everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a cross between Fat Albert’s Mushmouth and Kurt Cobain (after he blew his head off.) You will have no recollection of what you do at this point, but you will stumble around your house eating whatever stale snack foods you have in your cupboard and then fall asleep on your couch while trying to masturbate to late-night infomercials. The next day you will wake up with a dry mouth, a splitting headache and an extremely flaccid penis in your hand (thankfully it’s your own.)
FUCK YOUR MOTHER MOTHERFUCKER!
I found a great site _______M e e t R i c h . C O M_______ . where you have the opportunity dreaming about dating a millionaire and make it true! I thought everyone needed to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy
Get a drink dude …. feel the world, feel the noise or get bored at home and write shitty articles on the internet:))
I think you forgot number 9-
“Hitting a parked train with your car after telling the bartender you were taking a cab home”. This stage usually is only experienced in certain redneck ghettos, and usually related to said bartender while trying to get him to serve you the following evening.
Getting blown buy a dude I guess.. But seriosuly, this is my life, except for step 1 cuz I like the taste of beer, and I know im getting slammed that night anyway..
ya i prefer keystone over natty
It’s not get if you don’t make eye contact. You can def call no homo.
This is DEAD ON except for the random night with a stranger part…a stranger whose name you forget, and when you think you’re praying quietly to God “Please don’t let me have to say his name,” you’re actually saying it out loud.
That was a rough night.
#1 Drunk girls waiting to be kidnapped in stage 7… great pic. Either one is crying… forcing the other to say “fuck this” and pass out pussy up… or the other went “weee” and splayed her vagine… and the other is like, “not again, oh crap.”
#2 If a chick fucks you in the ass, that’s not gay. If you giggle, that is gay. If a dude blows you, that’s not gay. He’s gay, but you’re not. If you worry if he’ll call you the next day… then, that’s gay. Seriously they’re both gay.
#3 Everyone knows Grizzlies are gorillas in bear suits, except with large talons. Grizzly wins and eats the Gorilla.
this is hilarious, and frighteningly accurate. that said, i love drinking
Is it gay if you think the blowjob from the dude was lousy? Or is it gayer if you think the girl was taking it easy on you with the strap-on?
agreed with Dom. nothing is gayer than sex with a man. nothing.
ouch u must speak from experience
Go, go, go, Balkan, go
Get a blowjob from a guy wearing a strap-on.
ik ook
“Twenty minutes ago, you almost had to choke it down”
What the hell are you talking about.
This is pretty close to my stages of Drinking. 1. Feelin good 2. Feelin a bit sloppy. 3. Silliness. 4. Anger. 5. Sadness 6. Crying about Father. 7. More Anger. 8. Bravado 9. Intense Obnoxious Anger. 10. Sleep
U APPARENTLY DON’T DO IT RIGHT!
I am Hammered drunk and I think that this is an okay article. I will review it in 6 hours for a sober not so idealistic view on alcohol consumption and the moral degradation of our nation. Cheerio!But for now Alcohol consumption is the name of the game!
I found a great site…_______www.fuckyou.com________ where all your spamming needs are met.
This was shit. A waste of an article by an author who didn’t know his material.
Gorillas FTW ….They are Vegetarians as well…. EAT IT
This is exactly how i feel every friday night
Yeah what? Beer tastes delicious unless it’s crap beer like natty light or something.
FINALLY my drunken argueement! TO THE BAR!
who has to almost choke down beer?! jeezus.
owned
Lacey?
…why haven’t you returned any of my calls?
Written by someone who has apparently never been drunk… you should try it some time.
pretty sure that is the very definition of gay.
I am not gay! — you are sticking your boner in a man’s mouth. How is that less gay that something involving a woman?
Anyway, it’s obviously a lose lose.
A strap on is a piece of plastic, and your with a girl already. Getting blown by a dude is fucked cause you would never get the image out of your head. And a Grizzly bear would kill a gorilla
Angry much are we? WOW find something better to do than disrespecting a person who is entitled to writing a funny article – like, getting an education, getting a job, getting some beer or something else in ur potty mouth!
sounds like every friday and saturday for me for the past 4 years. Thank you holy taco for perfectly explaining my drinking problems. On top of that, we had an arguement talking about whether a hippo or a gorilla would win in a fight (obviously a hippo, wtf right?), and whether having sex with a really hot tranny is actually gay. I proclaimed it was, but apparently most people when under the influence of alcohol think that just because a cock is duct-taped onto the gooch it isnt there. Anyways great article haha. Every guy has experienced all these.
get a blow job from a grizzly while getting boned in the ass by a gorilla with a strap on.
U…jeben mamu cetnicima, baci bombu goni bandu bradatu, e da mi je vas malo opet brijati s izbrijavanjem…U
JEBEM VAM MAJKU SVIMA U TRI PIÄŒKE MATERINE !!! OSTAVITE PIJANCE PIÄŒKA LI VAM MATERINA
Is it gay if you opt for both?
Best comment ever
Amen, brother
any real man knows beer DOES taste good
Only if you’re drinking something decent – which it looks like Stage 1 has, but Stage 8 definitely doesn’t.
Also, I’m glad that we switched to female subjects for stage 7. A crotch shot like that of a dude would be gnarly
it’s written from a tools perspective… thats why some people don’t “agree” with all of it.
this is the Bay Area
LOVE IT!
Mislim da bi većina ljudi koji ovdje komentiraju trebali posjetiti malo psihijatra! Ako nemate neku osnovnu kulturu nemojte komentirat. Ako nemate ništa pametno za reći šutite jer šutnja je zlato!!!
So true….Morons R’ Us
Wow…I had to continue reading this just to see how bad it could actually get. I’m considering never visiting this site again after this post. Get rid of whoever wrote this. Seriously.
What kind of fag doesn’t think beer tastes delicious all the time? Fag!
Takes one to know one. You know you want me.
Good, then we won’t have to read your stupid fucking comments.
why does everyone hate this article?
fuck you sir
A perfect attachment to an awesome read…..
G’day from sunny metropolis Adelaide, South Australia!!!
http://www.Metropolis5000.net
If you do not agree with this article, or feel it is wrong. You are probably the faggot who orders up 1-2 drinks and stops right there while everyone else continues. AKA a “buzzkill”.
yeah what a massive douche
Lighten up people. Jesus christ.. It’s a fucking joke. This is obviously not what every night of drinking is like, but it had a couple funny jokes. I’m sure it’s better than any of the writing you’ve done.
…
I agree with you cody.
No, its you who forgot that only you and your friends are meatheads.
HaHaHa stupid fucking comments! This reads like some guy I know who is always saying stupid fucking….
No you werent, that pics been around for 5 years at least. Stupid troll is stupid
Point out the faggot in the comments, I’ll wait…get it yet? I’ll give you a hint…it’s Dat Gut Boy!!! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!
Wow seriously this was frikkin HILARIOUS no need to be a party pooper. The article was great! 2 thumbs up! (I don’t drink more than two or three drinks at a time, but I can appreciate the hilarity of this article)
DenverFTW you are a douche! Why do YOU like the taste of beer so much? That’s ur own opinion so get over yourself and shut the hell up.
I don’t hate it! I thought it was great! And the pix really added to the madness – and besides some of it was true, I dunno y some ppl are bashing it so much.
I don’t mean to bite off your post. You inspired me:
I wrote the “8 stages of drunk” for bar chicks:
Stage 1) “I don’t feel like drinking, but I’ll hang out”
This is the stage that most girls start out if they are hanging out
with mostly guys. This quickly changes to “I will drink as much as my
friend is” because girls can’t make decisions for themselves.
Stage 2) “Let’s take some shots”
This happens a stage earlier than with guys because guys know that
taking shots is a horrible idea. This is also the last time that a
girl pays for her own drink…assuming that she paid for one in the
first place.
Stage 3) “I am cheap, let’s get guys at the bar to buy us more shots”
Pretty self explanatory. Girls take off their half jackets or
whatever and adjust their sweater puppets to adequately attract some
tool ass guy at the bar into buying all of their friends shots.
Stage 4) “I’m going dancing!”
Stage 4 is very similar to 3 in that girls go out on the dance floor
at first forming an exclusive middle school dance circle until some
unsuspecting tool breaks the circle offering to buy more shots. The
girls all agree as they are cheap and see this as possibly their last
opportunity to drink without paying.
Stage 5) “lame girl in the group that isn’t being hit on starts pouting”
Getting to stage 5 can often separate the group. Lame girl is going
to want to go home, drown herself in chardonnay and watch syndicated
episodes of Sex in the City on TBS. Not surprisingly this is how she
ends most of her Friday nights. Hence lame.
Stage 6) “Sluts”
For the girls that stay out, having finally gotten rid of their ugly
judgmental friend, these girls start making out on the dance floor,
letting the guy they are dancing with grab their boobs, start talking
about how there is now way that they can drive home, and probably
giving oral in the bathroom…ok I don’t know anyone that’s actually
been blown in a bar bathroom by some chick they just met, but…ok
strike that last part.
Stage 7) “Going home with random dude”
This is generally a bad decision because due to the effects of
alcohol, girls probably don’t want to bang this guy and he probably
isn’t as good looking as you remember. He is also probably telling
you he likes you a lot more than he does. But with the options of
driving home blackout drunk, sleeping on the sidewalk, and going home
with a dude, for some reason option 3 makes a lot of sense.
Stage
“sleeping on the bathroom floor”
This is when the guy regrets his decision…whether he hooked up or
not, it isn’t worth dealing with this blacked out puking bitch on the
floor. Guys starting thinking, ‘god I wish I would have just gone to
her house so I could leave right now. If I were at this girls house
right now, I would upper deck her for leaving me with blue balls and
then pee in her kitchen sink before leaving.’
Damn, this is some bad writing.
No way! I was at that night out in #4. That’s Varena, Italy in 2005.
Alcohol is the root of “ALL THINGS FUN”!!!! Pass the flavored vodka around & ?????
The 5 levels of list writing on Holytaco.com
1. Watch old stand-up bits on you tube. (in this case the great Larry Miller)
2. Write the bit down.
3. Make it less funny.
4. Post on the internet as your own work.
5. Go fuck yourself because you are a joke steeling hack.
Anyone who drinks heavey knows every bit of this is true…Except we should switch it into genders. The girl one would end with sleeping with someone they hardly know and going home to shower and cry about how big of whores they are.
One martini
Two at the most
Three and I’m under the table
Four, and I’m under the host.
apparently your knowledge of and experience with alcohol consumption is identical to that of a 10th grade linebacker.
seek cooler friends.
also, making fun of drunk bros is so 1997.
Choke down beer? Why? Because it doesn’t taste like cock, you homo?
agreed
Haha right on
holy taco forgot the part where you want to fight everyone. fuck making fun of your friends, lets fight some assholes!
hi dorothy, i’m having a party this weekend, let’s do this.
youre a moron.
Step 9: Go write an article titled “The 8 Stages Of Alcohol Consumption” which sums up the whole event last night
it’s not just that it is poorly written, but that it just isn’t funny.
Well I found it pretty amusing , been there done all that in my 60 years on this earth.
AND the Kennedy’s got there money from bootlegging , look it up.
Stage 5 picture: I’m pretty sure those are IBC rootbeer bottles
Whatever, Buzz Killington…
right? cause we know what a BUZZKILL it is to not act like a total DIPSHIT in public!
not that i disagree with this article, i just have some fucking self control, and stop after a couple drinks!
i bet your one of the morons that tends to take a piss in awkward places, like someone’s coffee table, or the bar-stool.
or perhaps you like to pick fights with the people you practically fall into as you stumble around stupidly, because you dont have enough sense to stop when your vision blurs up?
oh, wait.
i bet your the guy that likes to thorw his arm around random people,and ask them “soyahabingagoodtimebuddy?”"imahaveabout3morebeersandcallitanightidontwannagetdrunkand actlikeanasshole”
yup, us “stop before we’re retarded” dudes, we’re total assholes!
To all the people who are hating on this article: Go back to your fucking coffee shops where you can freely boast to all the other pussies just like you about how you feel you’re better than the rest of the world because your a straight edge. GTFO and go write some fucking worthless novel that will never be published.
let’s look at some etchings!
Ha ha ha! This is too funny!
FUCKIN PUSSY!!!!
You are fucking retarded.
Actually when alcohol was illegal there was more crime. Ever hear of the mafia? Want to know how they got their start? It was by bootlegging alcohol.
AMEN to that
Liquor, the poison the government so lovingly lets you consume, helps create crime, for lawyers and Pigs to fatten themselves on. Pigs love liquor and all the overtime $$$ it brings them. Smoke Pot. Dope is Hope. Fuck the gov’t, it’s fucking you, 24-7-365.
no, seriously, you’re a dick man
paranoid much?
niste normalni…
get boned in the ass by a girl wearing a strap-on
for the record
the stage 4 part was awesome
I Could Go For A Few Beers…
ok, for the people that think this is bad writing or dumb, apparently you don’t party hard enough…I don’t necessarily follow the stages everytime I have drank, but I have been at every stage at least once. Go out and try it sometime!
Translation: Look at the bright side, you were too drunk to carry the fat chick, standing in the corner drinking wine coolers, home.
Look at the bright side, you where to drunk to carry the fat chick standing in the corner drinking whine coolers home.
What.
way to spell
It’s only gay if the dude who blows you swallows.
It’s not gay if you beat him up afterwards
I don’t necessarily follow the stages everytime I have drank, but I have been at every stage at least once. Go out and try it sometime!
online psychology masters degree
hahaha that pic of the girl knocked out is hilarious!!
that girls tang actually looks like one of the models i’ve worked with and she does a internet series in chicago.
but the sidewalk chick seems classier
http://tinyurl.com/588taz
Waw! such a smart guy u are)) so many cool facts about alcohol! i really liked it and had funny time reading your post!))) and this is my addition to your post! http://video.bogatovcompany.com/musicvideo.php?vid=5ddc53a92 )))
good times
I think this DRUNK BASTARD made it to STAGE 9:
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/168
If only all women looked like these Sexy Girls when you were sober…
HAHAHA that kid in Stage 6 on the left is my buddy from college. i have no idea how he got on this website but its fucken hysterical! Kid looks like he has the Downs when he’s blacked out.
I am trying my best not to cross the 3ed level. I wouldn’t like to get in an alcohol treatment clinic
So for me and my friends it’s only “We’re all doing shots”. We like getting dizzy sometimes because it’s fun, but when you get drunk nothing is funny anymore, especially the next morning…
Hell no, getting your dick sucked ain’t gay! Your the faggot for sucking my dick. Matter of fact it creeps me out being around you fags
stage 7: replace the yard with a porch and offer the policeman your left sandal because the right one is missing. that was a good night
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
Oh yeah! i’ll see some of ya’s in the program!
Jebite se piÄÂÂke
I love it. I second that owned.
No, he’s that guy who is able to poke fun at himself and alcohol until two people get all indignant because a couple of his “steps” hit a little too close to home.
owned.
You missed the hooking up with the fat girl part… should have been step 7. And yep, I’ll admit it, it’s still fun.
Thank the beer Gods for those great beer goggles.
Stage 5 sounds like a bad trip on shrooms.
That’s one.
Two, is that I would totally chow down on the girls pussy in Stage 7.
I trust most of these pics were taken at, or near, the Holy Taco Christmas party?
I keep doing stage 8 wrong. It’s never my own, and it’s not in my hand.
4 and 5 should be swapped.
other than that: 100% Accurate
majku vam jebem tu ustasko hrvasku,treba vas sve p….
Alco Hool
Funny, that was pretty much my night last night to the tee.
No, he’s that PC guy who sits in front of his ‘home built’ computer with a fountain drink making fun of people having fun.
Man are you that geek guy that all the time just drinks coffee in front of his apple computer and makes fun of people having fun :XXXXXXXXX !??!?!?! Zvezda !!!
I like the one where it says i wanna stay drunk all the time haha
http://www.crunchnow.com
you are a fucking retarded
Anything that includes getting “boned in the ass” is gayer than any kind of blowjob you get.
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
HAJDUK Å AMPION
gazi tovare
Same thing goes for any drug.. when illegal crime surrounds it.
which is the stage when pussy starts melting.
jebo sam jednu serbkinju tako u 1 fazu onda u 8 celo moje drustvo kopao u nju
hahahaa 6 and 7 made me laught out loud.
also…I KNOW SOME OF THOSE GUYS IN STAGE 3!!! how embarassing.
Watch the Free Sex Videos of the girls in step 7…