During the course of a night out on the town, a person likes to have a drink, or twenty. And on that voyage, there are some very clear stages you pass through. We decided to outline them for you, so that you could monitor where you're at during the night.
Stage 1: “I Could Go For A Few Beers”
You’ve decided to start the night off right by kicking back a few brews with your friends and relaxing a little. You take the opportunity to catch up on the events of the day, and kill the time until the alcohol kicks in. A hilarious discussion about a topical viral video that everyone watched at work today will kill most of that time, and you also brought up “this crazy episode of House” that you watched earlier in the week, which all of your friends agree was “really crazy.” You and your buddies will waste time with sighs, awkward silences, and funny stories about your youthful days until the booze goes to work.
Stage 2: “This Beer Tastes Awesome”
By now, the alcohol has started to soak into your blood stream. You’re feeling relaxed, loose, and comfortable. Most importantly, that beer you’re drinking has changed. Twenty minutes ago, you almost had to choke it down, but now it tastes absolutely delicious. In fact, you’re pretty sure the bartender did something different to it to make it so delicious. So how do you get more beer? Well, since one of your buddies is already up at the bar, you can just yell at him to get you another! It’ll save you the walk over there, and the other people in the crowded bar won’t mind you yelling your friend’s name over and over. In fact, you don’t even have to use words, once you get his attention. Just point at your glass, then point at him, and raise your eyebrows. If he doesn’t understand, just do the same thing again, but really accentuate the gestures more. If he still doesn’t get it, just start yelling really loudly at him. Whatever you do, don’t just walk across the bar and get it yourself. That would be a waste of time!
Stage 3: “We’re All Doing Shots!”
The only people who willingly swallow a disgusting liquid and then say “oh yeah!” afterwards are drunk people and porn stars. And both usually have a high percentage of ending their night with something stuck in their asshole. During this stage, you usually put your arms around people and say things like “This guy right here…this fuggin guy…this is the guy, right here…” but never actually say anything about that guy. And since no one ever wants to do shots alone, what usually happens is you try and rally your friends to do it by giving them a speech like it’s half time of the Super Bowl and you’re down 27 points. “Come on you guys. Let’s f&*king do this! I’m tired of you guys sitting around being f&^king pussies! You need to step this shit up!”
Stage 4: “A Grizzly Bear Would Kick A Gorilla’s Ass In A Fight.”
Drunk people are like Bill O’Reilly, they have a ton of opinions, and they think if they yell them loud enough, it makes them right. At this point in the night, you’re feeling pretty confident in yourself, and pretty much anything anyone says or does will cause you to start an argument. You basically become a woman on her period, except less bloated. Then you force everyone to take a side in some made up argument like, “Would you rather get a blowjob from a dude, or get boned in the ass by a girl wearing a strap-on?”
Stage 5: “I Am Going To Drink All The Time Every Day Forever.”
Right now you have no idea why you haven't spent your entire life drinking because DRINKING IS TOTALLY AWESOME. Everything rules. All those stupid little problems you had earlier in the day don't matter. In fact, you can't even remember what they were because THIS SONG ON THE JUKEBOX IS THE GREATEST SONG YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE! Holy shit this is an epic night. You realize how much you really, truly love your friends and, starting tomorrow, you're totally going to start on all those plans you were talking about the last time you went out drinking. Like applying to Grad school, and writing that screenplay and going to the gym five days a week. You're life is going to be different from now on. You're a new man who's going to get shit done. But first, let's get another round and PUT THAT SONG ON THE JUKEBOX AGAIN. In fact, this song is so good, you're going to play this song five times in a row, just so everyone in this bar understands how AWESOMELY EPIC THIS SONG IS. Drinking rules.
Stage 6: “Your Face Is A Stupid Face.”
At this point, you’re “totally fun night out with your friends” turns a corner to become a “dark journey into the recesses of your mind.” You feel the need to voice (loudly) all the problems you have with your friends. You feel it is your duty to bring up anything from an old pal’s tendency to always be late, to a friend’s inability to deal with a childhood molestation. So you climb up on your high horse and find fault with everyone at the table except yourself. Then come the horrible impressions of your friends that just consist of "Hey check me out, I'm mike and I think of other chicks when I'm doing my girlfriend!" meanwhile Mike is standing next to his girlfriend. And when someone tells you to A) Chill out or B) Shut up, you can only respond with petty, verbal attacks that make fun of your friend’s hair/clothes/face. You will spend many hours of the next day saying things like, “Uhh, hey man, I think I said a few things that…ya know, maybe I shouldn’t have. I was pretty bombed. We’re cool, right?”
Stage 7: “This Sidewalk Is Having Some Problems”
For obvious reasons, the night usually comes to a close after Stage 6. So, on your way home, fully blacked out, you realize that pouring buckets of alcohol into your face for seven straight hours actually does have an affect on your ability to stand, walk, and move your limbs. Staggering home to your bed becomes your main focus, but for some reason you find yourself stopping to tell random passersby your thoughts, which consist mainly of, “Whoooooo! The (Insert Favorite Sports Team) are totally gonna WHOOOOO!” Then you usually fall down into someone’s yard and offer a policeman a beer.
Stage 8: “Your…Pudgerdugffffgjjjj…Tell You Some…Farderschmard?”
During this final stage, everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a cross between Fat Albert’s Mushmouth and Kurt Cobain (after he blew his head off.) You will have no recollection of what you do at this point, but you will stumble around your house eating whatever stale snack foods you have in your cupboard and then fall asleep on your couch while trying to masturbate to late-night infomercials. The next day you will wake up with a dry mouth, a splitting headache and an extremely flaccid penis in your hand (thankfully it’s your own.)
Liquor, the poison the government so lovingly lets you consume, helps create crime, for lawyers and Pigs to fatten themselves on. Pigs love liquor and all the overtime $$$ it brings them. Smoke Pot. Dope is Hope. Fuck the gov't, it's fucking you, 24-7-365.
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
Man are you that geek guy that all the time just drinks coffee in front of his apple computer and makes fun of people having fun :XXXXXXXXX !??!?!?! Zvezda !!! :)
No, he's that guy who is able to poke fun at himself and alcohol until two people get all indignant because a couple of his "steps" hit a little too close to home.
Mislim da bi većina ljudi koji ovdje komentiraju trebali posjetiti malo psihijatra! Ako nemate neku osnovnu kulturu nemojte komentirat. Ako nemate ništa pametno za reći šutite jer šutnja je zlato!!!
To all the people who are hating on this article: Go back to your fucking coffee shops where you can freely boast to all the other pussies just like you about how you feel you're better than the rest of the world because your a straight edge. GTFO and go write some fucking worthless novel that will never be published.
Wow...I had to continue reading this just to see how bad it could actually get. I'm considering never visiting this site again after this post. Get rid of whoever wrote this. Seriously.
Wow seriously this was frikkin HILARIOUS no need to be a party pooper. The article was great! 2 thumbs up! (I don't drink more than two or three drinks at a time, but I can appreciate the hilarity of this article)
Lighten up people. Jesus christ.. It's a fucking joke. This is obviously not what every night of drinking is like, but it had a couple funny jokes. I'm sure it's better than any of the writing you've done.
Well I found it pretty amusing , been there done all that in my 60 years on this earth.
AND the Kennedy's got there money from bootlegging , look it up.
I don't hate it! I thought it was great! And the pix really added to the madness - and besides some of it was true, I dunno y some ppl are bashing it so much.
(143 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:13 am
owned
April 22nd, 2009 at 02:53 am
This is exactly how i feel every friday night
April 22nd, 2009 at 03:15 am
Get a drink dude .... feel the world, feel the noise or get bored at home and write shitty articles on the internet:))
April 22nd, 2009 at 03:30 am
majku vam jebem tu ustasko hrvasku,treba vas sve p....
April 22nd, 2009 at 04:06 am
Jebite se pičke
April 22nd, 2009 at 04:15 am
I Could Go For A Few Beers...
April 22nd, 2009 at 05:15 am
Liquor, the poison the government so lovingly lets you consume, helps create crime, for lawyers and Pigs to fatten themselves on. Pigs love liquor and all the overtime $$$ it brings them. Smoke Pot. Dope is Hope. Fuck the gov't, it's fucking you, 24-7-365.
April 22nd, 2009 at 07:00 am
AMEN to that
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:44 am
you are a fucking retarded
April 22nd, 2009 at 07:28 am
You are fucking retarded.
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:48 am
paranoid much?
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:04 am
no, seriously, you're a dick man
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:27 am
Actually when alcohol was illegal there was more crime. Ever hear of the mafia? Want to know how they got their start? It was by bootlegging alcohol.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:20 am
Same thing goes for any drug.. when illegal crime surrounds it.
April 22nd, 2009 at 05:22 am
Alco Hool
April 22nd, 2009 at 05:29 am
stage 7: replace the yard with a porch and offer the policeman your left sandal because the right one is missing. that was a good night
April 22nd, 2009 at 05:50 am
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
JEBEN TE DINAMO
April 22nd, 2009 at 05:50 am
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
HAJDUK ŠAMPION
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
gazi tovare
April 22nd, 2009 at 05:57 am
which is the stage when pussy starts melting.
jebo sam jednu serbkinju tako u 1 fazu onda u 8 celo moje drustvo kopao u nju
April 22nd, 2009 at 06:29 am
Man are you that geek guy that all the time just drinks coffee in front of his apple computer and makes fun of people having fun :XXXXXXXXX !??!?!?! Zvezda !!! :)
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:15 am
No, he's that PC guy who sits in front of his 'home built' computer with a fountain drink making fun of people having fun.
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:40 am
No, he's that guy who is able to poke fun at himself and alcohol until two people get all indignant because a couple of his "steps" hit a little too close to home.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:45 am
owned.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I love it. I second that owned.
April 22nd, 2009 at 06:54 am
Mislim da bi većina ljudi koji ovdje komentiraju trebali posjetiti malo psihijatra! Ako nemate neku osnovnu kulturu nemojte komentirat. Ako nemate ništa pametno za reći šutite jer šutnja je zlato!!!
April 22nd, 2009 at 07:10 am
Step 9: Go write an article titled "The 8 Stages Of Alcohol Consumption" which sums up the whole event last night
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:20 am
Alcohol is the root of "ALL THINGS FUN"!!!! Pass the flavored vodka around & ?????
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:35 am
The 5 levels of list writing on Holytaco.com
1. Watch old stand-up bits on you tube. (in this case the great Larry Miller)
2. Write the bit down.
3. Make it less funny.
4. Post on the internet as your own work.
5. Go fuck yourself because you are a joke steeling hack.
April 22nd, 2009 at 09:49 am
What kind of fag doesn't think beer tastes delicious all the time? Fag!
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
DenverFTW you are a douche! Why do YOU like the taste of beer so much? That's ur own opinion so get over yourself and shut the hell up.
May 10th, 2009 at 06:40 pm
To all the people who are hating on this article: Go back to your fucking coffee shops where you can freely boast to all the other pussies just like you about how you feel you're better than the rest of the world because your a straight edge. GTFO and go write some fucking worthless novel that will never be published.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:18 am
Stage 5 picture: I'm pretty sure those are IBC rootbeer bottles
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:20 am
apparently your knowledge of and experience with alcohol consumption is identical to that of a 10th grade linebacker.
seek cooler friends.
also, making fun of drunk bros is so 1997.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:20 am
Choke down beer? Why? Because it doesn't taste like cock, you homo?
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:24 am
Damn, this is some bad writing.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:25 am
No way! I was at that night out in #4. That's Varena, Italy in 2005.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
No you werent, that pics been around for 5 years at least. Stupid troll is stupid
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:36 am
One martini
Two at the most
Three and I'm under the table
Four, and I'm under the host.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:49 am
hi dorothy, i'm having a party this weekend, let's do this.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Wow...I had to continue reading this just to see how bad it could actually get. I'm considering never visiting this site again after this post. Get rid of whoever wrote this. Seriously.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Good, then we won't have to read your stupid fucking comments.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
agreed
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
HaHaHa stupid fucking comments! This reads like some guy I know who is always saying stupid fucking....
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Wow seriously this was frikkin HILARIOUS no need to be a party pooper. The article was great! 2 thumbs up! (I don't drink more than two or three drinks at a time, but I can appreciate the hilarity of this article)
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:54 am
Lighten up people. Jesus christ.. It's a fucking joke. This is obviously not what every night of drinking is like, but it had a couple funny jokes. I'm sure it's better than any of the writing you've done.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
it's not just that it is poorly written, but that it just isn't funny.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Well I found it pretty amusing , been there done all that in my 60 years on this earth.
AND the Kennedy's got there money from bootlegging , look it up.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
why does everyone hate this article?
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I don't hate it! I thought it was great! And the pix really added to the madness - and besides some of it was true, I dunno y some ppl are bashing it so much.
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