During the course of a night out on the town, a person likes to have a drink, or twenty. And on that voyage, there are some very clear stages you pass through. We decided to outline them for you, so that you could monitor where you're at during the night.
Stage 1: “I Could Go For A Few Beers”
You’ve decided to start the night off right by kicking back a few brews with your friends and relaxing a little. You take the opportunity to catch up on the events of the day, and kill the time until the alcohol kicks in. A hilarious discussion about a topical viral video that everyone watched at work today will kill most of that time, and you also brought up “this crazy episode of House” that you watched earlier in the week, which all of your friends agree was “really crazy.” You and your buddies will waste time with sighs, awkward silences, and funny stories about your youthful days until the booze goes to work.
Stage 2: “This Beer Tastes Awesome”
By now, the alcohol has started to soak into your blood stream. You’re feeling relaxed, loose, and comfortable. Most importantly, that beer you’re drinking has changed. Twenty minutes ago, you almost had to choke it down, but now it tastes absolutely delicious. In fact, you’re pretty sure the bartender did something different to it to make it so delicious. So how do you get more beer? Well, since one of your buddies is already up at the bar, you can just yell at him to get you another! It’ll save you the walk over there, and the other people in the crowded bar won’t mind you yelling your friend’s name over and over. In fact, you don’t even have to use words, once you get his attention. Just point at your glass, then point at him, and raise your eyebrows. If he doesn’t understand, just do the same thing again, but really accentuate the gestures more. If he still doesn’t get it, just start yelling really loudly at him. Whatever you do, don’t just walk across the bar and get it yourself. That would be a waste of time!
Stage 3: “We’re All Doing Shots!”
The only people who willingly swallow a disgusting liquid and then say “oh yeah!” afterwards are drunk people and porn stars. And both usually have a high percentage of ending their night with something stuck in their asshole. During this stage, you usually put your arms around people and say things like “This guy right here…this fuggin guy…this is the guy, right here…” but never actually say anything about that guy. And since no one ever wants to do shots alone, what usually happens is you try and rally your friends to do it by giving them a speech like it’s half time of the Super Bowl and you’re down 27 points. “Come on you guys. Let’s f&*king do this! I’m tired of you guys sitting around being f&^king pussies! You need to step this shit up!”
Stage 4: “A Grizzly Bear Would Kick A Gorilla’s Ass In A Fight.”
Drunk people are like Bill O’Reilly, they have a ton of opinions, and they think if they yell them loud enough, it makes them right. At this point in the night, you’re feeling pretty confident in yourself, and pretty much anything anyone says or does will cause you to start an argument. You basically become a woman on her period, except less bloated. Then you force everyone to take a side in some made up argument like, “Would you rather get a blowjob from a dude, or get boned in the ass by a girl wearing a strap-on?”
Stage 5: “I Am Going To Drink All The Time Every Day Forever.”
Right now you have no idea why you haven't spent your entire life drinking because DRINKING IS TOTALLY AWESOME. Everything rules. All those stupid little problems you had earlier in the day don't matter. In fact, you can't even remember what they were because THIS SONG ON THE JUKEBOX IS THE GREATEST SONG YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE! Holy shit this is an epic night. You realize how much you really, truly love your friends and, starting tomorrow, you're totally going to start on all those plans you were talking about the last time you went out drinking. Like applying to Grad school, and writing that screenplay and going to the gym five days a week. You're life is going to be different from now on. You're a new man who's going to get shit done. But first, let's get another round and PUT THAT SONG ON THE JUKEBOX AGAIN. In fact, this song is so good, you're going to play this song five times in a row, just so everyone in this bar understands how AWESOMELY EPIC THIS SONG IS. Drinking rules.
Stage 6: “Your Face Is A Stupid Face.”
At this point, you’re “totally fun night out with your friends” turns a corner to become a “dark journey into the recesses of your mind.” You feel the need to voice (loudly) all the problems you have with your friends. You feel it is your duty to bring up anything from an old pal’s tendency to always be late, to a friend’s inability to deal with a childhood molestation. So you climb up on your high horse and find fault with everyone at the table except yourself. Then come the horrible impressions of your friends that just consist of "Hey check me out, I'm mike and I think of other chicks when I'm doing my girlfriend!" meanwhile Mike is standing next to his girlfriend. And when someone tells you to A) Chill out or B) Shut up, you can only respond with petty, verbal attacks that make fun of your friend’s hair/clothes/face. You will spend many hours of the next day saying things like, “Uhh, hey man, I think I said a few things that…ya know, maybe I shouldn’t have. I was pretty bombed. We’re cool, right?”
Stage 7: “This Sidewalk Is Having Some Problems”
For obvious reasons, the night usually comes to a close after Stage 6. So, on your way home, fully blacked out, you realize that pouring buckets of alcohol into your face for seven straight hours actually does have an affect on your ability to stand, walk, and move your limbs. Staggering home to your bed becomes your main focus, but for some reason you find yourself stopping to tell random passersby your thoughts, which consist mainly of, “Whoooooo! The (Insert Favorite Sports Team) are totally gonna WHOOOOO!” Then you usually fall down into someone’s yard and offer a policeman a beer.
Stage 8: “Your…Pudgerdugffffgjjjj…Tell You Some…Farderschmard?”
During this final stage, everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a cross between Fat Albert’s Mushmouth and Kurt Cobain (after he blew his head off.) You will have no recollection of what you do at this point, but you will stumble around your house eating whatever stale snack foods you have in your cupboard and then fall asleep on your couch while trying to masturbate to late-night infomercials. The next day you will wake up with a dry mouth, a splitting headache and an extremely flaccid penis in your hand (thankfully it’s your own.)
I don't mean to bite off your post. You inspired me:
I wrote the "8 stages of drunk" for bar chicks:
Stage 1) "I don't feel like drinking, but I'll hang out"
This is the stage that most girls start out if they are hanging out
with mostly guys. This quickly changes to "I will drink as much as my
friend is" because girls can't make decisions for themselves.
Stage 2) "Let's take some shots"
This happens a stage earlier than with guys because guys know that
taking shots is a horrible idea. This is also the last time that a
girl pays for her own drink...assuming that she paid for one in the
first place.
Stage 3) "I am cheap, let's get guys at the bar to buy us more shots"
Pretty self explanatory. Girls take off their half jackets or
whatever and adjust their sweater puppets to adequately attract some
tool ass guy at the bar into buying all of their friends shots.
Stage 4) "I'm going dancing!"
Stage 4 is very similar to 3 in that girls go out on the dance floor
at first forming an exclusive middle school dance circle until some
unsuspecting tool breaks the circle offering to buy more shots. The
girls all agree as they are cheap and see this as possibly their last
opportunity to drink without paying.
Stage 5) "lame girl in the group that isn't being hit on starts pouting"
Getting to stage 5 can often separate the group. Lame girl is going
to want to go home, drown herself in chardonnay and watch syndicated
episodes of Sex in the City on TBS. Not surprisingly this is how she
ends most of her Friday nights. Hence lame.
Stage 6) "Sluts"
For the girls that stay out, having finally gotten rid of their ugly
judgmental friend, these girls start making out on the dance floor,
letting the guy they are dancing with grab their boobs, start talking
about how there is now way that they can drive home, and probably
giving oral in the bathroom...ok I don't know anyone that's actually
been blown in a bar bathroom by some chick they just met, but...ok
strike that last part.
Stage 7) "Going home with random dude"
This is generally a bad decision because due to the effects of
alcohol, girls probably don't want to bang this guy and he probably
isn't as good looking as you remember. He is also probably telling
you he likes you a lot more than he does. But with the options of
driving home blackout drunk, sleeping on the sidewalk, and going home
with a dude, for some reason option 3 makes a lot of sense.
Stage 8) "sleeping on the bathroom floor"
This is when the guy regrets his decision...whether he hooked up or
not, it isn't worth dealing with this blacked out puking bitch on the
floor. Guys starting thinking, 'god I wish I would have just gone to
her house so I could leave right now. If I were at this girls house
right now, I would upper deck her for leaving me with blue balls and
then pee in her kitchen sink before leaving.'
Point out the faggot in the comments, I'll wait...get it yet? I'll give you a hint...it's Dat Gut Boy!!! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!
Anyone who drinks heavey knows every bit of this is true...Except we should switch it into genders. The girl one would end with sleeping with someone they hardly know and going home to shower and cry about how big of whores they are.
If you do not agree with this article, or feel it is wrong. You are probably the faggot who orders up 1-2 drinks and stops right there while everyone else continues. AKA a "buzzkill".
right? cause we know what a BUZZKILL it is to not act like a total DIPSHIT in public!
not that i disagree with this article, i just have some fucking self control, and stop after a couple drinks!
i bet your one of the morons that tends to take a piss in awkward places, like someone's coffee table, or the bar-stool.
or perhaps you like to pick fights with the people you practically fall into as you stumble around stupidly, because you dont have enough sense to stop when your vision blurs up?
oh, wait.
i bet your the guy that likes to thorw his arm around random people,and ask them "soyahabingagoodtimebuddy?""imahaveabout3morebeersandcallitanightidontwannagetdrunkand actlikeanasshole"
yup, us "stop before we're retarded" dudes, we're total assholes!
ok, for the people that think this is bad writing or dumb, apparently you don't party hard enough...I don't necessarily follow the stages everytime I have drank, but I have been at every stage at least once. Go out and try it sometime!
Waw! such a smart guy u are)) so many cool facts about alcohol! i really liked it and had funny time reading your post!))) and this is my addition to your post! http://video.bogatovcompany.com/musicvideo.php?vid=5ddc53a92 )))
I don't necessarily follow the stages everytime I have drank, but I have been at every stage at least once. Go out and try it sometime!
online psychology masters degree
I am trying my best not to cross the 3ed level. I wouldn't like to get in an alcohol treatment clinic :P So for me and my friends it's only "We're all doing shots". We like getting dizzy sometimes because it's fun, but when you get drunk nothing is funny anymore, especially the next morning...
HAHAHA that kid in Stage 6 on the left is my buddy from college. i have no idea how he got on this website but its fucken hysterical! Kid looks like he has the Downs when he's blacked out.
(143 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
April 22nd, 2009 at 01:34 pm
Ha ha ha! This is too funny!
April 22nd, 2009 at 01:45 pm
I don't mean to bite off your post. You inspired me:
I wrote the "8 stages of drunk" for bar chicks:
Stage 1) "I don't feel like drinking, but I'll hang out"
This is the stage that most girls start out if they are hanging out
with mostly guys. This quickly changes to "I will drink as much as my
friend is" because girls can't make decisions for themselves.
Stage 2) "Let's take some shots"
This happens a stage earlier than with guys because guys know that
taking shots is a horrible idea. This is also the last time that a
girl pays for her own drink...assuming that she paid for one in the
first place.
Stage 3) "I am cheap, let's get guys at the bar to buy us more shots"
Pretty self explanatory. Girls take off their half jackets or
whatever and adjust their sweater puppets to adequately attract some
tool ass guy at the bar into buying all of their friends shots.
Stage 4) "I'm going dancing!"
Stage 4 is very similar to 3 in that girls go out on the dance floor
at first forming an exclusive middle school dance circle until some
unsuspecting tool breaks the circle offering to buy more shots. The
girls all agree as they are cheap and see this as possibly their last
opportunity to drink without paying.
Stage 5) "lame girl in the group that isn't being hit on starts pouting"
Getting to stage 5 can often separate the group. Lame girl is going
to want to go home, drown herself in chardonnay and watch syndicated
episodes of Sex in the City on TBS. Not surprisingly this is how she
ends most of her Friday nights. Hence lame.
Stage 6) "Sluts"
For the girls that stay out, having finally gotten rid of their ugly
judgmental friend, these girls start making out on the dance floor,
letting the guy they are dancing with grab their boobs, start talking
about how there is now way that they can drive home, and probably
giving oral in the bathroom...ok I don't know anyone that's actually
been blown in a bar bathroom by some chick they just met, but...ok
strike that last part.
Stage 7) "Going home with random dude"
This is generally a bad decision because due to the effects of
alcohol, girls probably don't want to bang this guy and he probably
isn't as good looking as you remember. He is also probably telling
you he likes you a lot more than he does. But with the options of
driving home blackout drunk, sleeping on the sidewalk, and going home
with a dude, for some reason option 3 makes a lot of sense.
Stage 8) "sleeping on the bathroom floor"
This is when the guy regrets his decision...whether he hooked up or
not, it isn't worth dealing with this blacked out puking bitch on the
floor. Guys starting thinking, 'god I wish I would have just gone to
her house so I could leave right now. If I were at this girls house
right now, I would upper deck her for leaving me with blue balls and
then pee in her kitchen sink before leaving.'
April 22nd, 2009 at 02:54 pm
A perfect attachment to an awesome read.....
April 22nd, 2009 at 01:59 pm
this is the Bay Area
LOVE IT!
April 22nd, 2009 at 02:07 pm
Point out the faggot in the comments, I'll wait...get it yet? I'll give you a hint...it's Dat Gut Boy!!! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!
April 22nd, 2009 at 02:31 pm
youre a moron.
April 22nd, 2009 at 02:54 pm
So true....Morons R' Us
April 22nd, 2009 at 03:04 pm
Takes one to know one. You know you want me.
April 22nd, 2009 at 03:46 pm
it's written from a tools perspective... thats why some people don't "agree" with all of it.
April 22nd, 2009 at 06:56 pm
Anyone who drinks heavey knows every bit of this is true...Except we should switch it into genders. The girl one would end with sleeping with someone they hardly know and going home to shower and cry about how big of whores they are.
May 4th, 2009 at 03:05 am
Haha right on
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:13 pm
If you do not agree with this article, or feel it is wrong. You are probably the faggot who orders up 1-2 drinks and stops right there while everyone else continues. AKA a "buzzkill".
May 7th, 2009 at 05:16 am
right? cause we know what a BUZZKILL it is to not act like a total DIPSHIT in public!
not that i disagree with this article, i just have some fucking self control, and stop after a couple drinks!
i bet your one of the morons that tends to take a piss in awkward places, like someone's coffee table, or the bar-stool.
or perhaps you like to pick fights with the people you practically fall into as you stumble around stupidly, because you dont have enough sense to stop when your vision blurs up?
oh, wait.
i bet your the guy that likes to thorw his arm around random people,and ask them "soyahabingagoodtimebuddy?""imahaveabout3morebeersandcallitanightidontwannagetdrunkand actlikeanasshole"
yup, us "stop before we're retarded" dudes, we're total assholes!
May 9th, 2009 at 11:10 am
... :) I agree with you cody.
May 10th, 2009 at 05:43 pm
fuck you sir
May 11th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Whatever, Buzz Killington...
May 11th, 2009 at 06:20 pm
let's look at some etchings!
May 19th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
FUCKIN PUSSY!!!!
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:02 am
G'day from sunny metropolis Adelaide, South Australia!!! :)
http://www.Metropolis5000.net
April 23rd, 2009 at 09:56 am
holy taco forgot the part where you want to fight everyone. fuck making fun of your friends, lets fight some assholes!
April 23rd, 2009 at 04:22 pm
No, its you who forgot that only you and your friends are meatheads.
April 26th, 2009 at 04:07 am
yeah what a massive douche
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:57 pm
niste normalni...
April 24th, 2009 at 06:03 pm
the stage 4 part was awesome
April 24th, 2009 at 07:31 pm
ok, for the people that think this is bad writing or dumb, apparently you don't party hard enough...I don't necessarily follow the stages everytime I have drank, but I have been at every stage at least once. Go out and try it sometime!
April 25th, 2009 at 01:02 pm
hahahaa 6 and 7 made me laught out loud.
also...I KNOW SOME OF THOSE GUYS IN STAGE 3!!! how embarassing.
May 7th, 2009 at 05:30 am
Watch the Free Sex Videos of the girls in step 7...
May 7th, 2009 at 07:43 am
I like the one where it says i wanna stay drunk all the time haha
http://www.crunchnow.com
May 10th, 2009 at 07:24 pm
Funny, that was pretty much my night last night to the tee.
May 15th, 2009 at 05:45 pm
Oh yeah! i'll see some of ya's in the program!
May 17th, 2009 at 09:16 am
Look at the bright side, you where to drunk to carry the fat chick standing in the corner drinking whine coolers home.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
What.
May 24th, 2009 at 09:45 pm
way to spell
May 29th, 2009 at 06:42 am
Translation: Look at the bright side, you were too drunk to carry the fat chick, standing in the corner drinking wine coolers, home.
May 23rd, 2009 at 09:42 am
good times
May 28th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Waw! such a smart guy u are)) so many cool facts about alcohol! i really liked it and had funny time reading your post!))) and this is my addition to your post! http://video.bogatovcompany.com/musicvideo.php?vid=5ddc53a92 )))
May 28th, 2009 at 01:59 pm
I think this DRUNK BASTARD made it to STAGE 9:
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/168
May 30th, 2009 at 03:43 am
I don't necessarily follow the stages everytime I have drank, but I have been at every stage at least once. Go out and try it sometime!
online psychology masters degree
May 31st, 2009 at 07:54 am
If only all women looked like these Sexy Girls when you were sober...
June 1st, 2009 at 11:27 am
hahaha that pic of the girl knocked out is hilarious!!
that girls tang actually looks like one of the models i've worked with and she does a internet series in chicago.
but the sidewalk chick seems classier
http://tinyurl.com/588taz
June 18th, 2009 at 05:04 am
I am trying my best not to cross the 3ed level. I wouldn't like to get in an alcohol treatment clinic :P So for me and my friends it's only "We're all doing shots". We like getting dizzy sometimes because it's fun, but when you get drunk nothing is funny anymore, especially the next morning...
July 15th, 2009 at 05:15 pm
HAHAHA that kid in Stage 6 on the left is my buddy from college. i have no idea how he got on this website but its fucken hysterical! Kid looks like he has the Downs when he's blacked out.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Hell no, getting your dick sucked ain't gay! Your the faggot for sucking my dick. Matter of fact it creeps me out being around you fags
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