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8 Stores That Should Be In Every Mall

For many people today, their local shopping mall takes the place of the town squares of ancient societies.  Malls are a place to shop, mingle, and run into people that you don’t really want to talk to, and then try not to make eye contact with those people, but then you have to talk to them when they yell your name from across the way and it’s impossible for you to pretend that you didn’t notice them.  If you’ve been to a mall lately, you’ve probably noticed that there’s a noticable lack of some key ingredients that would make the mall a much more accomodating place.  Here are the 8 stores that should be in every mall:
 
Hot Chicks Walking By Store
 
 
Shopping malls are full of stores, and most of those stores are there for women.  So what’s a guy to do while the girl he’s at the mall with is busy rifling through bins of clearance bras and over-priced lip gloss?  Most guys in this situation choose to just sit down somewhere and watch hot chicks walk by, and it would be in a mall’s best interest to harness this natural mall activity and profit from it.  They should open a Hot Chicks Walking By Store, where you pay a couple of bucks to sit down, and then the store’s employees will direct all the hot-chick mall traffic to walk in front of you.  I know what you’re thinking: what if the mall that you’re in doesn’t have the highest caliber of hot chicks wandering aimlessly?  Well that, my friend, is exactly what your couple of bucks goes toward: in this situation, the store will use some of its on-staff hot chicks to cater to your every people-watching need (well, to almost every need). The store’s biggest challenge will be clearing out all of the dudes who are sitting in front of the Hot Chicks Walking By Store.
 
Wetzel’s Pretzels
 
 
I’m pretty sure that every single mall in the history of malls already has a Wetzel’s Pretzels inside, but if there are any malls out there that don’t, they should.  This is easily the best shop in any mall, because it’s the only place that has absolutely everything that’s associated with their product.  I could be in The Gap or something, and I might say to myself, "well, I found the khaki pants and denim-blue shirt that I was looking for, but I’d really like a sweet sequined fanny pack with a dragon on it," and The Gap might not have that (although I haven’t been in a Gap in a few years).  At Wetzel’s Pretzels, I might say to myself, "I know I want a pretzel, but I’d also like something that tastes like pizza, and I want it to come with a side of nacho cheese, some jalapenos, and some ketchup," and guess what? Wetzel’s has exactly that selection on the menu.  It’s a beautiful thing.
 
The Hot Chick Santa
 
 

Unless you’re a creepy weirdo that drives a windowless van, going to the mall as an adult male f*cking sucks.  The mall is crowded with a-holes and everyone but you is super-excited to go sit in the lap of a guy that grows a white beard and collects arterial plaque nine months out of the year.  As an adult male, there’s nothing for you here at all.  Think of the crowds and profits that stores could generate if the mall had a naughty, sexy Mrs. Clause set up next to the Orange Julius.  There’d be a few changes, of course.  Rather than having to wait in line for your chance to sit in sexy Santa’s lap, you’d wait in line to sit in a massage chair and have her sit in your lap.  You’d also be able to come back multiple times without having a restraining order drawn up against you.  She also probably wouldn’t change her phone number or un-friend you on facebook for "not being the guy she thought you were", and she wouldn’t say things like, "at first it was cute, but now it’s just creepy," or "Please, you’re scaring me. Other people want to enjoy my time, too."  No, it’d be different at this mall.
 
An Abercrombie & Fitch
 
 
Abercrombie & Fitch is the worst store on the face of the earth.  The techno music that’s constantly blasting out of this storefront is so loud that you’re annoyed by it when you’re playing with the massage chair at the Brookstone 5 stores down. The level of douchebaggery that exists in and around an A&F rivals that of a Young Republicans keg party at Yale, and everyone who shops at an A&F does so with the intent of purchasing a pair of $300 jeans that are already ripped to shreds in order to look trendy.  The only reason that this store should exist in any mall is to keep those douchebags out of other people’s way.  That’s why Abercrombie and Fitch should be positioned away from every other store in the mall, near it’s own designated enterance, and the floors should be covered with some kind of flypaper that can trap douchebags for hours at a time, to keep them from interfering with other peoples’ shopping experience.
 
The Shoplifting Store
 
 
Sometimes when dudes are shopping and they get bored, they like to try to steal things, just to pass the time.  They usually just go for little things, like candy, or chapstick tubes, or sunglasses from the girl boutiques that they’re uncomfortably milling about in.  It’s not kleptomania, it’s just boredom.  That’s where The Shoplifting Store will come in handy.  You’ll pay a couple of bucks to get into the store (so that they can cover their overhead expenses), and then just wander around and try to shoplift something.  The store will have normal security and normal employees, and if they catch you stealing something, then you have to put it back and leave.  This will provide some much-needed motivation to utilize real shoplifting skills rather than just phoning it in, and it should be the perfect level of danger and adventure to keep the normal male mall-goer happy.
 
The Mall Jester
 
 
I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m in a mall (or a crowded public place of any type), I’m always overcome by an intense impulse to play tricks on people.  Of course, this kind of behavior is unacceptable, and will often result in me getting punched in the eye, so I don’t do it.  I would definitely pay someone else to do it, though.  The Mall Jester would work in the same way that the magician at a mexican food restaurant: he’s paid by the mall, but he also accepts tips.  His job is to do almost anything you say to anyone you tell him to do it to.  You could have him sit on the lower level while you re-create the slurpy scene from Weird Science.  You could have him pretend to lose a contact lens, stop foot traffic in an entire aisle and get people to help him find it, and then finally stand up and go, "F*ck you all! I don’t wear contact lenses!" and then run away laughing maniacally.  You could never do that, but the Mall Jester totally could.
 
A Rope Swing Across Balcony Levels
 
 
The problem with multi-level malls is that there are usually only three ways to get to the upper floors: stairs, escalators, and elevators.  These are fine if you’re a boring idiot or a handicapped guy, but what about the adventure-seekers among us?  Y’know, guys like you and me.  Guys that think escalators aren’t extreme enough and elevators are just cattle-movers for people.  Malls need some form of floor-to-floor transportation for guys who really, really like The Goonies.  Enter: the rope swing!  Imagine this scenario: you’re up on Level 3, eye-f*cking your enormous bicep as you enjoy a glazed pretzel from Wetzel’s, when suddenly you spot your super-hot girlfriend coming out of the tiny panty store with, like, 9 or 10 bags.  You grab ahold of the Tarzan rope next to you and swing like a complete badass over an ass-load of Asian kids who are all snapping photos of you, and then you land like a badass next to her and then the two of you go off and bang in the stairwell.  Yeah, malls totally need rope swings.
 
A Bar
 
 
If there’s one thing on this list that’s an actual, serious suggestion for malls everywhere, it’s this: every shopping mall should have a bar.  In fact, every shopping mall should have 3 bars.  I’m sure there are some malls out there that have bars inside of them, but this is a neccesity for every mall. A bar encapsulates everything that you’d rather be doing besides standing around in a shopping complex waiting for other people to buy things with your money.  While your wife and kids are tearing through the Kay-Bee Toy Store, you can be comfortably sipping some hard liquor and talking to other smart dudes who are doing the same thing.  While your girlfriend’s browsing the engagement ring section at Zales suggestively, you can be screaming at the television with 5 other dudes about an off-sides call.  Bars are great places.  Malls are really not so great.  But if you put them together, anything is possible.
 

48 Responses to "8 Stores That Should Be In Every Mall"

  1. Viktorrrrrr says:

    Game Stop, every store has a freaking Game Stop. Also a sports store, and a Atomic Comic where all the virgins go to.

  2. aPlateOfGrapes says:

    Our mall used to have a bar in it. A friend and I wandered in for a beer and some pub food. We wound up watching a football game and getting totally wasted. The problem? Now we’re stuck at the mall and too trashed to drive. Trying to sober up on Saturday afternoon in a mall sucks… as does wasting $40 – 50 in quarters at the arcade to pass the time.

  3. Neon says:

    don’t forget, old navy

  4. nemesis says:

    how about an Express Men for us homosexuals

  5. male shove fist says:

    every game stop has a store? strange, where i live game stop is the store.

  6. robbeh says:

    he didn’t say ‘every game stop has a store’, you smartass. he mistook a store for a ‘mall’ – or a shopping complex. you both fail.

  7. yarp says:

    a bar would be the best thing ever for a mall. nothing better than getting loaded then going to hit on some jail bate at the food court.

  8. uguu says:

    Stupid article from a 12 year-old mindset.

  9. thaim letches says:

    I thought A&F was the equivalent of Hot Chicks Walking By Store, but for men who enjoy looking at men and women who enjoy looking at homophobic men trying to deny their forbidden sexual desires. I don’t know about you, but I requested a A&F catalog once, in high school, and have never seen so much man love in my life. I’ve seen Pride parades tamer than those things. I believe the only thing more free than the man love in an A&F would be Burning Man. I’ve leave you to Google that one on your own.

  10. Auntie Anne's ROOLZ says:

    doooooosshhhhh

  11. spagett says:

    they can have any store as long as they don’t play nickelback

  12. i.love.tits says:

    why are u even on this site u fucking douche?

  13. Jim Weezono says:

    OMGosh no way dude, someone has WAY too much spare time on their hands!

    Jesse
    http://www.anonymous.ua.tc

  14. alisha says:

    see naked man swinging from rope

  15. Alex says:

    A&F is horrible, and I walked past one, I was about 10 ft away from the enterance, and you can hear the horrible music, and smell that cologne from miles away, it is terrible.

  16. shartfelch says:

    see rope swinging from naked man

  17. Xpac says:

    Ooppss..its shit to be a sick.spending bucks to pass time for timepass.gays go and do some yoga at home!!

  18. Apfelbaum says:

    Non of these except Abercrombie count as stores. you all fail.

  19. Ceveron says:

    I guess if you find doing stuff with your girlfriend is absolute torture, you might ask yourself about what sort of women you like

  20. whatever says:

    This article rocks havn;t laughed this much in a while. And I agree with everything but the pretzels are not real. Super Prezels are much closer to the real thing.
    A&F is for F&*king retards.
    i can shop at K-mart and rip my own jeans then spend saved money to buy beer.

  21. ribbed says:

    a bar. check

  22. God says:

    I once *gasp* walked into an Abercrombie at the urging of my latent homosexual friend at the time who told me they had the best jeans. Being the naive little scamp I was a strolled in and recoiled back in horror at the godawful “music”, enormous posters of naked fags, the smell and the prices. I ran for my life and managed to procure some non-douche/fag jeans elsewhere. Close call…

  23. Viktorrrrrr says:

    I fucking hate that smell. And they play the fucking worst Techno.

  24. AAA says:

    The one part about A&F you forgot is the pine-tree-humping-your-face fragrance in the air

  25. O Squiggly Line says:

    A&F sucks hippopotamus testicles, this is a fact, but Hollister is 50,000,000,000,000 times worse. I guess Hollister is for when you become such a fucking douche that A&F just isn’t douchey enough for you anymore.

  26. notthesameasswipeasbefore says:

    Hollister is owned by American Egeal. so yeah… you’re right.

  27. you_fucktard says:

    Hollister Co. is owned by Abercrombie & Fitch, YOU FUCKTARD.

  28. alisha says:

    so is hot topic (:

  29. Chicoson says:

    Yeah, Auntie Anne’s FTW. Only pretzels worth eating.

  30. Stick says:

    Wetzel’s? Fuck that, it’s Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.

  31. male shove fist says:

    really? because its pretzel time over here. bitches.

  32. BOB says:

    We got the Pretzel Maker Here.

  33. DJ Me says:

    Wetzels? Auntie Anne’s? merely sugary pizza dough in the shape of a pretzel. For those of you not from the north east you have probably never tasted a “real” soft pretzel. They are much fatter, crispy on the outside, soft on the inside with a slight “sourdough” taste. The old frozen “super pretzels” you used to find in snack bars are much closer to the real thing. But lately I have managed to find real Philly Pretzels at the Grocery store, try one you wont soon forget it. Look for “Philly’s Finest Soft Pretzels” “Philly Street Pretzel” at the grocery store. Please don’t let Wetzels ruin Pretzels Like Domino’s and Pizza hut have ruined Pizza, Demand the real thing!

  34. KingKongWentToHongKongToPlayPingPongWithHistDingDong says:

    PRETZEL TIME FTW, BIIIIAAAAAALALALALALAAAAATCH!!!

  35. The Todd says:

    Descriminating pretzil taste Five, DJ!

  36. Urethra Franklin says:

    Damn DJ ME, the pretzel people paying you for that endorsement?

    and yea its auntie ann’s bitch

  37. asdasdasd says:

    lol… “shoplifters r u”

  38. rob roy fingerhead says:

    where are there mexican restaurants with magicians? sounds super cool! all malls should have at least one mexican eatery with a magician. or a pirate.

  39. alisha says:

    haha i always love the mexican restaurants with magicians or clowns who can make balloon animals!

  40. That guy says:

    I just wanted to be the douchebag that typed ‘FIRST!’… like a douchebag.

  41. Scope says:

    Well, at least you’re honest about it.

  42. bigdawg says:

    I respect that.

  43. Boo! says:

    This isn’t even funny! Holytaco.com should be ashamed of itself. No go to your room and think about what you’ve done Holytaco!

  44. Second Guy says:

    “That Guy” FTDW!!!

  45. Thhis Guy says:

    HELL FUCKIN” YEAH!!!!!!!111

  46. SkylineRecords says:

    Oh come on, admit that the bar in every mall is a damned good idea…and I’m not talking about some Ruby Tuesday’s shit, like a real ass pub.

  47. MrKillson says:

    The Ruby Tuesday’s in my town sucks. Every fucking bartender there measures their drinks. IT’S A GODDAMN JACK AND COKE ASSHOLES!!!! NO MEASURING!

  48. bob says:

    pathetic photoshopping -_-?