It’s a new season of American Idol and that means . The noteworthy aspect of this season is that the show has been picked apart like the body of the girl who foolishly went topless in a zombie movie. Gone are Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Ellen Degeneres, and Kara Digwhatever. The only holdouts? Ryan “I’m what happens when inflatable dolls become sentient” Seacrest, and Randy “I still need to pay rent” Jackson. And now, joining the fray, are Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler.
It’s a risky move for FOX, adding in the new talent now that the show’s critical backbone and only source of laughs outside the terrible audition phase, Cowell, has left. FOX is banking on numerous studies that suggest teenage girls are big fans of decrepit, retirement-age rockstars and that no one remembers that Jennifer Lopez is a giant, surly bitch.
Since the dynamic of the show has been shaken up, maybe they can turn those waning ratings around and make the show the powerhouse it once was again. But in order to do that, they’re going to need to not just please the core audience, they need to pull in new viewers; viewers who think Idol sucks sack. So to that end, here are some things the show needs to pull off if it wants to survive and flourish.
1. Liv Tyler Semi-Nude
If we have to put up with Steven Tyler’s shrunken apple head then by God, get the only good thing his genetics have been attached to in on the game as well. If you’ve ever seen Steven in an interview, you know he suffers from much the same condition Ron Jeremy does, whereby he has lived in a fantasy land for so long, he doesn’t even know how to relate to real humans any more. Everything he does is gross and creepy.
Liv Tyler, on the other hand, is delightful and a treat for us all. She can show up to offer her dad moral support and if it happens that she slips and ends up in her bra, then I think we all win in some way. Plus it’d make it tolerable to put up with all the people singing Train or Elton John if it was the soundtrack to her in a shower or gentle Spring rain.
2. J.Lo Semi-Nude
Jennifer Lopez, for those too young to remember, was famous for having a large heiney about 15 years ago or so. Then she got cast in the movie Selena and decided she was an actress. Wonderful. Then she got a reputation for being an incorrigible pain in the ass and she made the movie Gigli and that’s why kids under 13 don’t know who she is, especially with Kim Kardashian’s and Nicki Minaj’s asses in town. Oh, and she also married a Ghoulie. I’m not even lying, have you seen Marc Anthony? Looks like the guy who chose the wrong cup at the end of Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail.
Anyway, all that aside, if J.Lo would be kind enough to maybe depants in the Idol premier, I would totally watch the rest of the season just on the assumption that if it happened once, it has to happen again.
3. Ryan Seacrest Fights Butterbean
Ryan Seacrest gets a lot of shit lobbed at him from gay jokes to accurate observations of how unjust and horrifying it is that he makes millions of dollars per year for being present and occasionally asking questions while people try out for a singing contest. But he is a fairly adept host at least, so he’s not as useless as Nancy Grace or anything. Still, there’s something bothersome about the fact that he essentially doesn’t even have a job. So if monolithic flesh golem Butterbean were to show up and at the end of each episode he and Seacrest could box for a wildcard slot on behalf of one contestant the judges are n the fence about, that could really amp up the entertainment value.
4. Randy Jackson Calls No One “Dog”
I don’t really know if it’s Randy Jackson’s “thing,” if he’s even conscious that he does it or what, but he seems to pepper his speech with the word “dog” or maybe “dawg” at least every 3rd sentence. If he were the MC of a dog show the word would necessarily lose all meaning within the first half hour and no one would have a goddamn clue what was happening.
I want to see Randy challenge himself this season by doing a slang shift – maybe start talking like a Rastafarian, or quoting Back to the Future lines at improper times – “yo, I gotta tell you that version f Wind Beneath My Wings only made it to like 1.20 jiggawatts!”. Anything removes dog and shakes up things a little.
5. Steven Tyler Gets Ironed
Steven Tyler looks like he’s made of crêpe paper that someone left in pants that made it through the dryer. That and the goblin banker from Harry Potter. I ain’t lying, look. Imagine that had a baby with crepe paper. Then it sang Janie’s Got a Gun.
Tyler’s always been malnourished and flamboyant, I can’t expect that to change, but the insanity of his appearance really took a nose dive when all the drugs and leftover partying in his system voided and left him a wrinkled old terror with a penchant for scarves. The man just needs to have the decency to not age gracefully, the way all good celebrities should. But mostly it’d be funny if he did it midway through the season so that gossip sites would have something new to talk about and generate a buzz for the show, even if it has nothing to do with the quality or content of the program. All press is good press.
6. We Don’t Have to Listen to Aerosmith
I just don’t want to hear that goddamn song from Armageddon.
7. Someone Sings a Song That Hasn’t Been on Billboard
American Idol has access to a stunning song library. I can’t upload a video to Youtube that has Steppenwolf playing in the background on my ringtone without being flagged by Sony or BMG or someone, but American Idol can pull the Beatles, Michael Jackson, Patti Labelle, Beyonce, and that guy who sang about his pants on the ground last year. And still with all this musical freedom, 90% of all songs on the show suck so hard.
Kids of America, when you try out for Idol, remember, there are millions of songs out there. Not all of them are on a NOW CD compilation. Not all of them have been covered by the Mini Pops. And on the off chance you do choose to cover Guns n Roses, you don’t have to change up the song so that it sounds like it was written by Michael Buble.
8. Less Fake Auditions
This is a tough one – Idol sucks in viewers with their retarded audition rounds. They last for a few weeks, where we go city to city and watch in horror as people who are as musically skilled as the average burlap sack full of dung. I just don’t buy it. I know for a fact some auditions are fake, they’ve been outed on the internet before, but I think a hell of a lot more than we know about are fake – either rigged by the show or just by bored people who want to see if they can get on TV.
Fakers, you’re robbing me. I want to see real losers, not people shaming the real losers by pretending to be even more losery. That, in effect, steals the losers’ thunder and makes them lose again. How can you sleep at night?