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8 Things That Will Definitely Happen During Your First Week of College

Your first week of college can be an exciting and scary time.  You’ll meet new people and encounter new situations and experiences, and it’s important that you go into it with as much preparation as you can, so that you can focus on making the most of it.  With that in mind, here are 8 things that will definitely happen during your first week of college:
You Will Wake Up on a Communal Bathroom Floor
It’s amazing how you can make a decision at 3am, and then completely regret that decision with every fiber of your being when you wake up five hours later.  The communal bathroom in your college dorm is the filthiest bathroom on Earth.  It’s the "Ron Jeremy’s Taint" of bathrooms.  Don’t be fooled by its cleaning-product-fresh scent, either.  The bathroom may smell like it’s just been hosed down with piss and bleach, but rest assured: there’s no f*ckin bleach in that bathroom.  That’s the smell of piss and semen; gallons upon gallons of other dudes’ semen.  Semen that’s mixed with piss, and probably a shit that someone took in the shower last night as a joke.  Don’t forget about that joke shit, either, because you’re going to need a shower asap, and if there’s one way to take a morning from terrible to f*cking awful, it’s by stepping on somebody else’s joke shit in the shower.
You Will Walk In On Your New Roommate Masturbating
If the fates are on your side, you’re going to get a super-cool roommate that you like a lot.  Unfortunately, you’re going to see his penis this week.  Not only that, but when you see it, it’s going to be completely erect, in his hand, and covered with hand lotion.  It’s going to be absolutely as bonery as a boner can get.  You’re also going to find out what kind of porn he watches, and you’ll also discover how he reacts during an extremely uncomfortable encounter in which someone that he hardly knows has just witnessed him in full-fledged jerk-off mode.  Just try to keep a good sense of humor about it, and don’t make it a big deal.  Hopefully, he’ll return the favor when he walks in on you masturbating a few days later.
You Will Drop All of Your 9 A.M. Classes

Remember how you used to have to wake up at 7am to make it to high school by 8:15?  You handled it pretty well back then, so making a 9am class should be a piece of cake, right?  WRONG.  It will only take you a couple of days to realize that, in college, any obligation that you’re required to uphold before 11am is just not happening.  If you’re smart, you’ll drop your morning classes immediately, before everybody else does.  Otherwise, you’ll find yourself with limited replacement options, and when you’re forced to choose between Intro to Venereal Diseases and The History of Blind People 101, there are no correct decisions.
You Will Figure Out Which Liquor Store Won’t Card You For Alcohol
This is basically how your priorities will be mapped out on your first day of college:  Priority 1: Meet New Roommate.  Priority 2: Get Alcohol.  Priority 3: Meet Anybody You Happen to Meet on Your Way to Get Alcohol.  There’s a good chance that there’s a liquor store nearby the dorm, and that liquor store definitely doesn’t sell alcohol to minors.  There’s a store out there somewhere that does, though, and you’re going to have to find it.  You’ll have to utilize some key resources in this quest, because it’s all about working the rumor-mill.  Someone’s going to have heard from somebody that there’s a place down on whatever street that doesn’t card.  If you can find a sophomore or a local who isn’t an asshole, that’s a good place to start.  He’ll know the lay of the land enough to at least put you on the right track.
You Will Have Nothing In Common With Anyone You Meet
You’re going to meet a lot of cool and interesting people during your first week of college, and you will have absolutely nothing in common with your first-week-of-school friends.  In fact, the only reason any of you will be hanging out with each other is because nobody in the group knows anyone else, and you’ll all be willing to hang out with someone in order to get out of your dorm room and hopefully meet some people that you actually want to spend time with. The motley crew will consist of you, your new roommate, the guy you smoked weed with next to a dumpster at orientation, a guy from down the hall that you’ve never seen sober or in the daytime, and some girl who looks too old to be starting college.  You will share amazing, drunken times with these people for a week, and then never spend any time with them again.  Cherish it.
You Will Spend $230 At The University Bookstore On Useless Crap That You Don’t Need At All
As an incoming freshman, the University Bookstore is one of the most amazing places on earth.  You’ll feel like a 4-year old in the Disney Store, except that instead of your parents being there with you, it’s just their credit card.  Anything with your school’s initials on it becomes an object of desire.  Proceed with caution, though, as the University Bookstore is a f*cking quagmire of rip-offedness.  A simple pencil, in any other store, would cost about ten cents.  Here, in the University Bookstore, it’s $5.99.  Why, you ask?  Well, it’s got the school’s logo on it!  Do you think they can just put that on a pencil for free?!  Your first trip to the University Bookstore is going to be a pretty pricey one; it’s inevitable.  Even if you’re trying to be cautious by only picking up a few essential items (a sweatshirt, a notepad, some pens), you’re still going to run up a huge tab.  Do yourself a favor and try to never, ever, ever set foot in this place again.
You Will Throw Up On Everything You Just Bought At Target
You’re going to arrive at college with hundreds of pounds worth of shit that you purchased from Target to get your college experience "started off on the right foot."  You’ll have new bedsheets, a chair, a lamp, a trashcan, a towel hook, a doormat, a rug, a wall tapestry, curtains, and a step stool. You’ll have a TV stand, a microwave, and a hot plate. You’ll have a toothbrush case, a case to carry a bar of soap down the hall in, and a bin to put a bag of chips in.  You’ll have dishes (like you’re ever going to use dishes in college).  You’ll have a rack to hang shoes on, and then another rack to hang all of your shoe racks on.  You’ll have little trinket holders on your desk to hold paperclips, paper, pencils, pens, staples, scissors, and any other random little things that you accumulate over the next nine months.  And you’re going to throw up on every single one of these things.
You Will Destroy Someone’s Property By Heaving It Off of a Roof, Balcony, or Parking Garage
Roughly 75% of the time you spend not sleeping during your first week of college will be spent drunk or hungover, and 100% of your hangovers will be spent trying to drink them away.  This much drunkenness is bound to result in a lot of terrible decisions.  If you remember one equation going into college, remember this one: 
You might think that you’re not the type of person that would destroy someone’s stuff, or that you’d never do something like that.  Well, you’ve obviously never seen an Ikea dresser explode from a third floor balcony.  It’s awesome.  During your first week of college, you’ll experience this, and many other awesome things, firsthand.  Get ready.  It’s gonna be f*ckin’ crazy!

65 Responses to "8 Things That Will Definitely Happen During Your First Week of College"

  1. Vaughan says:

    Not really, just grow a pair and act like you know what you are doing. Government bureaucrats don’t care because they can’t get fired anyway thanks to their union.

  2. SHOOTER12 says:

    Damn, I went to college over 30 years ago, and these things happened then and still hold true today..I guess all great things don’t end..

  3. esorcire says:

    Oh yeah and you will also work a glory hole for an entire weekend. Oh wait, nevermind.

  4. Gaylord Fugga says:

    Very important:
    all those stupid chicks get drunk and raped (and probably pregnant, because college morons actally never learned about using condoms)within the first week.

  5. esorcire says:

    You forgot that somebody will pull the fire alarm while you are in your dorm room banging a fat sloppy ho and you will have to do the walk of shame as everybody files out of their rooms.

  6. chris says:

    what the fuck is a condom

  7. DEAN says:

    that’s the probablem with Ontario…all the liquor stores are government run…it takes a lot more skill

  8. pratik says:

    Don’t forget about “Convince a stupid drunk girl that you are Superman that that your Fortress of Solitude is this shed behind your dorm hall”.

    …or was that just me?

  9. beentheredundat says:

    You will figure out which textbooks you don’t need, sell them back for booze money.
    You will get busted by your RA for smoking (cigs, weed, meth, whatever), you will then find out if that RA is cool or not by the number of police milling about 5 minutes later.
    Cafeteria food taste is proportional to number of joints smoked.

  10. bildo087 says:

    haha all of this happened to me but instead of looking for a liquor store that would sell me alcohol, just got a fake :)

  11. Campus Socialite says:

    You got to love waking up to take a piss and seeing some kid passed out on the bathroom floor…always a good laugh

    You need to check these other lessons out for the first week back to college http://www.precioustimeny.com/blog/?p=3825

  12. Wolf Pack of 1 says:

    How about “One of your friends will fuck a fat chick”

  13. LenkedUp says:

    Holy Shit, that’s my liquor store! CC’s is the bomb. And my Asian liquor store man has got teeth. Hell speaks english too! And he doesn’t check ID’s either. But his wife does! You have to watch out for her. I could literally hit this plae with a rock from my window. Great spot!

  14. collegegirl08 says:

    you forget about the walk of shame .. going to class the next morning with a big x on your hand that transfered to your face overnight… and for some reason it just wont come off..

  15. Marky says:

    Or wake up with a girl beside you and A)have no idea how she got there; B)have no idea what her name is; AND C)have no idea what did or did not happen; AND D)make something happen that morning.

  16. Party says:

    Every walk is a walk of shame if the girl is fat enough.

  17. mehhh says:

    heat in the winter and shade in the summer.

  18. Wilke says:

    It’s like an apartment, but bigger. The townhouse of apartments, if you will.

  19. Piss on Ant says:

    Ho about you realize that the campus is 90% male and there are no parties?

  20. Cookie Garris says:

    My dorm room my freshmen year was on the same floor as the football team of course it had the community bathroom and showers. I went to shave before a football game some of the football players decided they would all shave their heads. There were five sinks and lets just say it looked like the entire team had shaved their pubic hair and left it for the waterboy to clean up. By the end of the semester I looked like a member of ZZ top!

  21. Alyssa says:

    Ah, ha ha, I don’t want to be a roommate with a drunk vomiting all over their (and my) pretty new target stuff. ): Or to step or see or smell such things in my showers…
    A lot of these things are an over exaggeration… please say yes? ^^;;;;;

  22. Nope... says:

    Well, no, they’re not really exaggerations. I remember at least 7 of the 8. We didn’t have communal bathrooms, thank god. Nothing wrong with fat girls by the way, they work harder for your attention! Fuck yeah!

  23. idkiforgot says:

    haha shit…drinking is fun…

  24. yarp says:

    fat chicks need love too.

  25. Moony Anus says:

    More like, “YOU will fuck a fat chick.”

  26. Mr Baggie Pants says:

    Ahh !! Its nice to know some things haven’t changed in 20 years.

    Did you know you can major in Lunch room, sleeping, and motivational xbox? There is no credits, however the credits are transferable.

  27. supermanlymangunowner says:

    robo trip.

  28. Bill says:

    The sad part is most or all of this will happen the the same douche bag. If you at least wanna throw up some good beer, here’s the best beers that no one seems to drink. http://www.ranker.com/list/best-beers-no-one-ever-orders/tyvick

  29. SayNoToDykeCrack says:

    So true. In trying to throw the couch out of the dorm lounge window, it got stuck. So in our drunken stupers, we thought it would be a good idea just to burn it. Turns out it wasn’t a good idea.

  30. awesome says:

    excellent… stfu other reply… crawl in a hole and die for never having experiened that

  31. clubf00t says:

    omg go in a hole and kill ur self for leaving that horrendous comment u asshole.

  32. Rico says:

    “we thought it would be a good idea just to burn it.” That’s hysterical…so after you got out of jail, how long did it take you guys to find a new place to live j/k : )

  33. meow says:

    It’s stupor. You sure that you are in college, fool?

  34. Moop says:

    all of you should just jump in a hole and die, ill even dig it, seriously

  35. Retrin says:

    looks like a bunch of haters

  36. kleeger cetone says:

    looks like somebody got turned down by every fraternity

  37. philosopher says:

    they forgot to mention

    9. You will try to join a fraternity.

    10. You realize that all fraternities suck, and it would be better to just get an off-campus apartment.

    11. You will get drunk, and act like a douche at the first party.

  38. right... says:

    Phil, I have a hard time beleiving you’ve ever actually been to college. Aren’t you like 14?

  39. Avemtilla says:

    To the person who made the comment on homeschooling: Me and my siblings have been home-schooled all of our lives. My older sister: 21, graduated with honors at 16, full scholarship to the local community college, was a nearly straight a student, got her associates, and I believe is now at the best 4 year college in the state working on her bachelor degree. me, graduated at 17 with honors, turned 18 and am starting college at the end of the month. we shall see what happens to my other siblings.

    Sorry for the rant, but you don’t seem to know much of being home-schooled. Don’t base assumptions on one or two families.

    Eh, I don’t really agree with the list, but I won’t be living on campus or going to any parties. Though, maybe once i hit the four year college…

  40. chris says:

    i was nailing this hot home schooled chick, and she was just not there at all she just layed there stiff as a bored nervously saying oh thats nice every 5 minutes, it is awkward, not good. Of course i went to public school and im a complete failure, so pick your poisin

  41. Philosophers says:

    fine everyone! i am 12 and i am 300 pounds and im home schooled because someone has to wipe my but for me because my arms are too short. i just wanted to pretend to know something because it makes me feel better. sorry :/

  42. yarp says:

    home schooled kids turn out to be the stupid fuck ups you see later in life and wonder, “WTF happened to him?” well their parents decided to keep them out of public schools so they “wouldn’t get brainwashed by the government.” good job parents, you’ve made your kid the most socially stupid tard-basket at school, but i’m sure they won’t mind

  43. HAha says:

    Public school kids and become antisocial losers too, I’m proof

  44. A. Nell Fisher says:

    “me, graduated at 17 with honors, turned 18 and am starting college at the end of the month.”

    Me glad you graduated. Me wish you luck at college. You going to need it.

    Seriously, what were the fucking honors? A trip to Dairy Queen for trying your best?

  45. RJ says:

    Laughed so hard, I spilt my drink on keyboard.

  46. Silencer says:

    My siblings and I*

    says a lot about homeschooling doesnt it

  47. clubf00t says:

    that story was amazing, myb u can take that comment and shove it up ur ass were it belongs…by the way i had a turkey sandwich 4 lunch 2day with lettuce, tomatoes and mayo

  48. Rondell says:

    well i had a sandwich from fat sandwich. The Fat Milf = a roll with fries motzarella sticks, chicken fingers on it :)

  49. brookins acidly says:

    cool story bro

  50. chris says:

    just give up on life retard

  51. lunchboy says:

    so right on about what will happen during the first week. i am 33 now and haven’t hung out with any of those losers since that week/couple of weeks.

    i also had a great lunch today. it was sausage and peppers/onions on a shorti roll from WaWa, some fries (extra crispy with old bay & ketchup) and a Wild Cherry Pepsi. Just a heads-up!


  52. dietz devalue says:

    no, but it was cream-filled

  53. Bob says:

    Was there hot fudge on the dessert

  54. curable 11th says:

    i had your sister’s roast beef, and her asshole for dessert.

  55. Pew Pew LAsers says:

    I miss college. I totally threw a chair off a balcony of a kid who kicked me out of his gay fag frat party because I tossed my cup onto a table.

  56. Cows says:

    Its really cool you graduated with honors but honors are nothing if you cant share them with FRIENDS you do know what those are right?

  57. Scummer says:

    Do what I did and invest your money for books for a kegerator.

  58. gidget says:

    You’re from OSU.

  59. Pranksta says:

    Very true about the College bookstore being a waste.

    Even if your prof tells you that you HAVE TO buy a book for his course DON’T BUY IT! I don’t care if on the first day he says you’ll fail if you don’t buy that book, it’s not true! Give it a week and he’ll never mention the book again. You’ll be sitting back, laughing at all the suckers who spent $150 on a book they’ll never even open.

  60. Pranksta says:

    Nope, DeVry. NOW who’s the idiot?

  61. WooCollege says:

    DeVry’s a rel college? better off just lying and saying you were from OSU

  62. NEGRODAMUS says:

    CCs is the best liquor store on planet earth. there is bulletproof glass everywhere because terrorists try to assassinate the best liquor store owner in the world

  63. DC says:

    CC’S LIQUOR! YES! Live a block from that liquor store. Owner is a hilarious toothless Asian man. Homeless people love that liquor store.