Your first week of college can be an exciting and scary time. You’ll meet new people and encounter new situations and experiences, and it’s important that you go into it with as much preparation as you can, so that you can focus on making the most of it. With that in mind, here are 8 things that will definitely happen during your first week of college:
You Will Wake Up on a Communal Bathroom Floor
It’s amazing how you can make a decision at 3am, and then completely regret that decision with every fiber of your being when you wake up five hours later. The communal bathroom in your college dorm is the filthiest bathroom on Earth. It’s the "Ron Jeremy’s Taint" of bathrooms. Don’t be fooled by its cleaning-product-fresh scent, either. The bathroom may smell like it’s just been hosed down with piss and bleach, but rest assured: there’s no f*ckin bleach in that bathroom. That’s the smell of piss and semen; gallons upon gallons of other dudes’ semen. Semen that’s mixed with piss, and probably a shit that someone took in the shower last night as a joke. Don’t forget about that joke shit, either, because you’re going to need a shower asap, and if there’s one way to take a morning from terrible to f*cking awful, it’s by stepping on somebody else’s joke shit in the shower.
You Will Walk In On Your New Roommate Masturbating
If the fates are on your side, you’re going to get a super-cool roommate that you like a lot. Unfortunately, you’re going to see his penis this week. Not only that, but when you see it, it’s going to be completely erect, in his hand, and covered with hand lotion. It’s going to be absolutely as bonery as a boner can get. You’re also going to find out what kind of porn he watches, and you’ll also discover how he reacts during an extremely uncomfortable encounter in which someone that he hardly knows has just witnessed him in full-fledged jerk-off mode. Just try to keep a good sense of humor about it, and don’t make it a big deal. Hopefully, he’ll return the favor when he walks in on you masturbating a few days later.
You Will Drop All of Your 9 A.M. Classes
Remember how you used to have to wake up at 7am to make it to high school by 8:15? You handled it pretty well back then, so making a 9am class should be a piece of cake, right? WRONG. It will only take you a couple of days to realize that, in college, any obligation that you’re required to uphold before 11am is just not happening. If you’re smart, you’ll drop your morning classes immediately, before everybody else does. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself with limited replacement options, and when you’re forced to choose between Intro to Venereal Diseases and The History of Blind People 101, there are no correct decisions.
You Will Figure Out Which Liquor Store Won’t Card You For Alcohol
This is basically how your priorities will be mapped out on your first day of college: Priority 1: Meet New Roommate. Priority 2: Get Alcohol. Priority 3: Meet Anybody You Happen to Meet on Your Way to Get Alcohol. There’s a good chance that there’s a liquor store nearby the dorm, and that liquor store definitely doesn’t sell alcohol to minors. There’s a store out there somewhere that does, though, and you’re going to have to find it. You’ll have to utilize some key resources in this quest, because it’s all about working the rumor-mill. Someone’s going to have heard from somebody that there’s a place down on whatever street that doesn’t card. If you can find a sophomore or a local who isn’t an asshole, that’s a good place to start. He’ll know the lay of the land enough to at least put you on the right track.
You Will Have Nothing In Common With Anyone You Meet
You’re going to meet a lot of cool and interesting people during your first week of college, and you will have absolutely nothing in common with your first-week-of-school friends. In fact, the only reason any of you will be hanging out with each other is because nobody in the group knows anyone else, and you’ll all be willing to hang out with someone in order to get out of your dorm room and hopefully meet some people that you actually want to spend time with. The motley crew will consist of you, your new roommate, the guy you smoked weed with next to a dumpster at orientation, a guy from down the hall that you’ve never seen sober or in the daytime, and some girl who looks too old to be starting college. You will share amazing, drunken times with these people for a week, and then never spend any time with them again. Cherish it.
You Will Spend $230 At The University Bookstore On Useless Crap That You Don’t Need At All
As an incoming freshman, the University Bookstore is one of the most amazing places on earth. You’ll feel like a 4-year old in the Disney Store, except that instead of your parents being there with you, it’s just their credit card. Anything with your school’s initials on it becomes an object of desire. Proceed with caution, though, as the University Bookstore is a f*cking quagmire of rip-offedness. A simple pencil, in any other store, would cost about ten cents. Here, in the University Bookstore, it’s $5.99. Why, you ask? Well, it’s got the school’s logo on it! Do you think they can just put that on a pencil for free?! Your first trip to the University Bookstore is going to be a pretty pricey one; it’s inevitable. Even if you’re trying to be cautious by only picking up a few essential items (a sweatshirt, a notepad, some pens), you’re still going to run up a huge tab. Do yourself a favor and try to never, ever, ever set foot in this place again.
You Will Throw Up On Everything You Just Bought At Target
You’re going to arrive at college with hundreds of pounds worth of shit that you purchased from Target to get your college experience "started off on the right foot." You’ll have new bedsheets, a chair, a lamp, a trashcan, a towel hook, a doormat, a rug, a wall tapestry, curtains, and a step stool. You’ll have a TV stand, a microwave, and a hot plate. You’ll have a toothbrush case, a case to carry a bar of soap down the hall in, and a bin to put a bag of chips in. You’ll have dishes (like you’re ever going to use dishes in college). You’ll have a rack to hang shoes on, and then another rack to hang all of your shoe racks on. You’ll have little trinket holders on your desk to hold paperclips, paper, pencils, pens, staples, scissors, and any other random little things that you accumulate over the next nine months. And you’re going to throw up on every single one of these things.
You Will Destroy Someone’s Property By Heaving It Off of a Roof, Balcony, or Parking Garage
Roughly 75% of the time you spend not sleeping during your first week of college will be spent drunk or hungover, and 100% of your hangovers will be spent trying to drink them away. This much drunkenness is bound to result in a lot of terrible decisions. If you remember one equation going into college, remember this one:
You might think that you’re not the type of person that would destroy someone’s stuff, or that you’d never do something like that. Well, you’ve obviously never seen an Ikea dresser explode from a third floor balcony. It’s awesome. During your first week of college, you’ll experience this, and many other awesome things, firsthand. Get ready. It’s gonna be f*ckin’ crazy!