Summer Camp is an important experience in every young boy’s life. Camp is the place where some of the most formative events of your adolescent existence occur. So, for all the 9-14 year olds out there who regularly read Holy Taco, we’ve prepared a list of the 8 Things That Will Definitely Happen at Summer Camp:
Someone Will Get an Embarrassing Nickname that Sticks With Them Forever
Kids are cruel. They’re also some of the most clever motherf*ckers on the planet. They can find a way to rhyme your name with anything, and it’s pretty much a guarantee that, if something embarrassing happens to you at Summer Camp, it will result in a horrible nickname that sticks with you for the rest of your life. For example: I knew a guy who’s last name was Jones. Jones popped some major wood during a swimming activity once, and was henceforth known as "Joner Boner". Then there was "Big Booty Judy", who showed up to camp one year having gained a few pounds that weren’t there the year before. And let’s not forget this one girl, Stacey. As rumor has it, she gave her first BJ at Summer Camp, and was forever distinguished by the less-than-honorable title "Cum Facey Stacey". Like I said, kids are cruel.
The Super Hot, Super Nice Counselor Will Inspire Your First Boner
There’s bound to be a super-hot, super-nice female counselor at Summer Camp. Her name might be Shannon Rosenberg. You’ll remember her for the rest of your life, because she’ll be personally responsible for giving you your first real boner. It will happen when, after a water activity, she’ll be bending over in a swimsuit trying to pick up an inflatable raft. You’ll swear in that moment that the side of her swimsuit bottoms crept over just a little bit, granting you a clear, unadulterated glimpse at her taint and the bottom of her vagina. You’ll never forget that taint, that bottom-of-the-vagina, or that boner as long as you live.
The Slutty Girl Will Give Your Older Brother an HJ in the Woods
For a kid at Summer Camp, hooking up with a girl is like finding Captain Ahab’s elusive White Whale. Kids view the female body in the same way that an ancient mariner views an old, antiquated treasure map, except that the lady-parts are the areas of the map that are covered with mysterious dragons and serpents, and those dragons and serpents make your penis tingle a little bit when you think about them. If you happen to have an older brother at camp with you, it’s like having Magellan on your team. Your older brother is going to sneak off into the woods one night and feel up the Camp Slutty Girl, and he’ll probably get an awkward first-time HJ to boot. Sure, it’s not gonna be the best HJ ever. In fact, the way he’ll tell it, it will seem like she was holding his penis like a leaky bag of garbage. Nonetheless, he’ll return to the bunk as a hero, and nearly everything that you and the other camp kids will ever learn about sex will come from the stories that your heroic brother relays on that night, which will forever be known as "the night that all the camp bunks seemed extra squeaky".
The Fat Kid Will Spend All of His Money on Snacks
There’s always going to be a fat kid at Summer Camp. It’s not just going to be a kid who’s fatter than everyone else, either; this kid is going to be fat, like "the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?" fat. His parents gave him forty bucks for snacks for the whole week of camp, but as soon as he finds out that the Camp General Store is well stocked with Ho-Ho’s and Cowtails, his pockets will be empty, and his face will be covered with chocolate and cream filling. For the rest of the week, he’s going to be hounding you for change to buy more snacks. Do yourself a favor and indulge his addiction, because when puberty hits him in a few years, he’s going to turn into a behemoth. He’ll quickly become the most valuable high school ally that you’ll ever have, because former fat kids remember people who buy them treats like your girlfriend remembers every pair of tits that you’ve ever ogled behind her back (yeah, she totally saw that.)
The Kid Who Hates You For Some Reason Will Beat You Up
There’s a kid at camp who, for some reason, likes you about as much as retarded kids like haunted houses. You have no idea why he hates you, and you’ll never know why, so don’t bother torturing yourself for the next fifteen years trying to figure it out. He’s older than you, and he’s bigger than you, and for some reason he wants to make your camp experience completely miserable. You may survive with only some minor verbal abuse for a few days, but eventually he’s going to kick your ass. Your best bet is to just let it happen. Fight back a little, so you don’t look like a complete pussy, but don’t expect to win the battle. After a decent ass-whooping, he’ll leave you alone, and if you’re lucky, you may even get some sympathy from the older hot chicks at camp, as long as you don’t cry or piss yourself. If you do, then you’ll quickly find yourself in the "nickname" category mentioned earlier, which is worse than being forced to watch a Nicholas Cage Marathon.
The Creepy Counselor Will Proposition You
You know that creepy gym coach who always seems to find a reason to walk through the girls’ locker room during shower time at school? Well, he’s not just a Junior High pervert. He does other things, too. He’s also the Summer Camp Counselor Pervert, who always finds a reason to walk through the girls’ bunk room at inappropriate hours of the night. He’s easily identified by his sleazy mustache, innappropriately high-cut shorts, and a perpetual, glistening layer of what looks like post-masturbatory sweat covering his entire body. Steer clear of this guy at all costs; he prefers young Junior High girls, but if push comes to shove and he runs into you outside the Camp Mess Hall in the dark of night, he’ll probably take what he can get, and what he can get is probably the inside of your butthole.
The Kid Who’s Slightly Too Old to Be at Camp Will Finally Discover Masturbation
There’s always a kid at Summer Camp who seems slightly too old to be there but, for some reason or another, he was allowed to attend another year. He’ll strut around like he’s the cock-of-the-walk, remaining ignorant to the fact that nobody thinks he’s cool, because it’s pretty obvious that he’s slightly too old to be there. The reason that he’s still attending Summer Camp is because he hasn’t grown up yet, and the reason he hasn’t grown up yet is because he hasn’t discovered masturbation yet. Well, that’s all about to change this year at Summer Camp. This year, he’s going to unearth one of the greatest treasures ever bestowed upon mankind. You won’t see him much, because he’ll be trying to find a quiet, private place within view of the womens’ bathroom the whole week. He won’t be back next year either, because he’ll be attending a different Summer Camp: Camp MasturbateInYourRoomAllDayForAnEntireSummer.
You’ll See Your First Pair of Real, Live Boobs
When you’re twelve, you can get by with behavior that’s usually reserved for dudes that drive windowless vans and have to tell the neighbors whenever they move in somewhere. It’s this behavior that is going to result in another epic moment that you’ll never, ever forget: the moment when you saw your first real, live titty. There’s no uncreepy way to go about it, either, especially at the tender age of twelve. A titty is not going to just jump out of a shirt and into a twelve year old’s line of sight. Action must be taken. Whether it’s sneaking around in the bushes and peering into the girls’ bunkhouse like a peeping tom, or "accidentally" pullinga swimsuit top down, this pervy behavior is going to result in a titty-sighting. You’ll be labeled a perv for a while; that’s a given, but it’s still way better than being called a "no-titty-seein’ pussyface".