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8 Things That Will Definitely Happen at Summer Camp

Summer Camp is an important experience in every young boy’s life.  Camp is the place where some of the most formative events of your adolescent existence occur.  So, for all the 9-14 year olds out there who regularly read Holy Taco, we’ve prepared a list of the 8 Things That Will Definitely Happen at Summer Camp:
 
Someone Will Get an Embarrassing Nickname that Sticks With Them Forever
 
 
Kids are cruel.  They’re also some of the most clever motherf*ckers on the planet.  They can find a way to rhyme your name with anything, and it’s pretty much a guarantee that, if something embarrassing happens to you at Summer Camp, it will result in a horrible nickname that sticks with you for the rest of your life.  For example:  I knew a guy who’s last name was Jones.  Jones popped some major wood during a swimming activity once, and was henceforth known as "Joner Boner".  Then there was "Big Booty Judy", who showed up to camp one year having gained a few pounds that weren’t there the year before.  And let’s not forget this one girl, Stacey.  As rumor has it, she gave her first BJ at Summer Camp, and was forever distinguished by the less-than-honorable title "Cum Facey Stacey".  Like I said, kids are cruel.
 
The Super Hot, Super Nice Counselor Will Inspire Your First Boner
 
 
There’s bound to be a super-hot, super-nice female counselor at Summer Camp.  Her name might be Shannon Rosenberg.  You’ll remember her for the rest of your life, because she’ll be personally responsible for giving you your first real boner.  It will happen when, after a water activity, she’ll be bending over in a swimsuit trying to pick up an inflatable raft.  You’ll swear in that moment that the side of her swimsuit bottoms crept over just a little bit, granting you a clear, unadulterated glimpse at her taint and the bottom of her vagina.  You’ll never forget that taint, that bottom-of-the-vagina, or that boner as long as you live.
 
The Slutty Girl Will Give Your Older Brother an HJ in the Woods
 
 

For a kid at Summer Camp, hooking up with a girl is like finding Captain Ahab’s elusive White Whale.  Kids view the female body in the same way that an ancient mariner views an old, antiquated treasure map, except that the lady-parts are the areas of the map that are covered with mysterious dragons and serpents, and those dragons and serpents make your penis tingle a little bit when you think about them.  If you happen to have an older brother at camp with you, it’s like having Magellan on your team.  Your older brother is going to sneak off into the woods one night and feel up the Camp Slutty Girl, and he’ll probably get an awkward first-time HJ to boot.  Sure, it’s not gonna be the best HJ ever.  In fact, the way he’ll tell it, it will seem like she was holding his penis like a leaky bag of garbage.  Nonetheless, he’ll return to the bunk as a hero, and nearly everything that you and the other camp kids will ever learn about sex will come from the stories that your heroic brother relays on that night, which will forever be known as "the night that all the camp bunks seemed extra squeaky".
 
The Fat Kid Will Spend All of His Money on Snacks
 
 
There’s always going to be a fat kid at Summer Camp.  It’s not just going to be a kid who’s fatter than everyone else, either; this kid is going to be fat, like "the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?" fat.  His parents gave him forty bucks for snacks for the whole week of camp, but as soon as he finds out that the Camp General Store is well stocked with Ho-Ho’s and Cowtails, his pockets will be empty, and his face will be covered with chocolate and cream filling.  For the rest of the week, he’s going to be hounding you for change to buy more snacks.  Do yourself a favor and indulge his addiction, because when puberty hits him in a few years, he’s going to turn into a behemoth.  He’ll quickly become the most valuable high school ally that you’ll ever have, because former fat kids remember people who buy them treats like your girlfriend remembers every pair of tits that you’ve ever ogled behind her back (yeah, she totally saw that.)
 
The Kid Who Hates You For Some Reason Will Beat You Up
 
 
There’s a kid at camp who, for some reason, likes you about as much as retarded kids like haunted houses.  You have no idea why he hates you, and you’ll never know why, so don’t bother torturing yourself for the next fifteen years trying to figure it out.  He’s older than you, and he’s bigger than you, and for some reason he wants to make your camp experience completely miserable.  You may survive with only some minor verbal abuse for a few days, but eventually he’s going to kick your ass.  Your best bet is to just let it happen.  Fight back a little, so you don’t look like a complete pussy, but don’t expect to win the battle.  After a decent ass-whooping, he’ll leave you alone, and if you’re lucky, you may even get some sympathy from the older hot chicks at camp, as long as you don’t cry or piss yourself.  If you do, then you’ll quickly find yourself in the "nickname" category mentioned earlier, which is worse than being forced to watch a Nicholas Cage Marathon.
 
The Creepy Counselor Will Proposition You
 
 
You know that creepy gym coach who always seems to find a reason to walk through the girls’ locker room during shower time at school?  Well, he’s not just a Junior High pervert.  He does other things, too.  He’s also the Summer Camp Counselor Pervert, who always finds a reason to walk through the girls’ bunk room at inappropriate hours of the night.  He’s easily identified by his sleazy mustache, innappropriately high-cut shorts, and a perpetual, glistening layer of what looks like post-masturbatory sweat covering his entire body.  Steer clear of this guy at all costs; he prefers young Junior High girls, but if push comes to shove and he runs into you outside the Camp Mess Hall in the dark of night, he’ll probably take what he can get, and what he can get is probably the inside of your butthole.
 
The Kid Who’s Slightly Too Old to Be at Camp Will Finally Discover Masturbation
 
 
There’s always a kid at Summer Camp who seems slightly too old to be there but, for some reason or another, he was allowed to attend another year.  He’ll strut around like he’s the cock-of-the-walk, remaining ignorant to the fact that nobody thinks he’s cool, because it’s pretty obvious that he’s slightly too old to be there.  The reason that he’s still attending Summer Camp is because he hasn’t grown up yet, and the reason he hasn’t grown up yet is because he hasn’t discovered masturbation yet.  Well, that’s all about to change this year at Summer Camp.  This year, he’s going to unearth one of the greatest treasures ever bestowed upon mankind.  You won’t see him much, because he’ll be trying to find a quiet, private place within view of the womens’ bathroom the whole week.  He won’t be back next year either, because he’ll be attending a different Summer Camp: Camp MasturbateInYourRoomAllDayForAnEntireSummer.
 
You’ll See Your First Pair of Real, Live Boobs
 
 
When you’re twelve, you can get by with behavior that’s usually reserved for dudes that drive windowless vans and have to tell the neighbors whenever they move in somewhere.  It’s this behavior that is going to result in another epic moment that you’ll never, ever forget: the moment when you saw your first real, live titty.  There’s no uncreepy way to go about it, either, especially at the tender age of twelve.  A titty is not going to just jump out of a shirt and into a twelve year old’s line of sight.  Action must be taken.  Whether it’s sneaking around in the bushes and peering into the girls’ bunkhouse like a peeping tom, or "accidentally" pullinga swimsuit top down, this pervy behavior is going to result in a titty-sighting.  You’ll be labeled a perv for a while; that’s a given, but it’s still way better than being called a "no-titty-seein’ pussyface".
 

62 Responses to "8 Things That Will Definitely Happen at Summer Camp"

  1. Pierrre says:

    “There’s a kid at camp who, for some reason, likes you about as much as retarded kids like haunted houses”

    This made me snort coffee. It reminded me of my wife’s retarded brother who gets violently aggressive when he goes to disneyland and decides he doesn’t like the ride.

    we went on “Soaring” and he kept roaring at the top of his lungs “I WANT TO GO BACK TO DISNEYLAND!”, and “WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE”, interspersed with the occasional “I WANT A CHEESE SANDWICH!”, it cracked me up so bad, totally worth the public embarrasment and scorn of the soccer moms who thougth we were torturing him.

  2. John says:

    this is for kids 9-14? No wonder they’re all so fucked up!

  3. Kyle says:

    God, I miss summer camp…

  4. been there says:

    i left my dna all over summer camp.If someone is ever killed there, im going to jail

  5. sg says:

    This is a creepy look into the opposite sex….

  6. Anonymous says:

    Damn, your spell check must have killed itself.

  7. blarmp says:

    Funny thing is that these remain true even at Christian summer camp…

  8. KingKongWentToHongKongToPlayPingPongWithHisDingDong says:

    *holds up mirror*

  9. Philosopher isafag says:

    need i say more?

  10. JAMES says:

    MAN I MISS SUMMER CAMP AND KRISTY.WE WERE 12 AND IT TOOK 10 SEC. TO CREAM ON HER,ROTFLMAO.
    SHE WAS THE BEST FOR 20 SEC.,LOL.WHAT THE HELL WOULD A 12 YEAR OLD KNOW? SHE GRABS IT AND GETS A HAND FULL AND THEN SOME,LOL.I HAD FORGOT ABOUT THAT UNTILL I READ THIS.THANKS FOR THE FLASH BACK.1970′S WERE GREAT YEARS

  11. Jess (ur a perv die k) says:

    Why does this whople thing seem to be for jr. pigs and not for girls at all? Why is it only written for boYs? That’s what I would like to know.

  12. dodgeball says:

    What happen to the camps with Jason and Michael Meyers creeps? Come on where’s Camp Hell at? This is weenie stuff lets get to the bloody massacre camps!

  13. ur a lozer says:

    yall r weird!!!
    y duz evry1 keep sayin 1st???!
    yall have no lyf wutsoeva!
    & this wuz stupid foo!

  14. Kiki says:

    So true…

  15. homer1996 says:

    Wow this is the best article i have read in a long time! Soo funny!!

  16. Who Cares says:

    Philosopher

    Thanks for sharing your first homo sexual experience with all of us

  17. truth hurts says:

    fatty fat fat fat there funny to be around and seeing titty no problem thanks to my best friends creepy counsler = kick in the balls mean kid that bullies you = 2 kick in the balls to him nicknames stupid late masterbater early masterbater

  18. Melrose says:

    Philosopher: you’re an idiot and not the least bit funny. You probably sit on the computer all day typing what you think are witty little comments that aren’t enjoyed by anyone but you.

    On another note, the “as much as retarded kids like haunted houses” line and “pickle smoocher” comment were hilarious! Pierrre: hahahahha!! That is so mean, but I could’ve died reading and imagining that!

  19. HAZZAH! says:

    NOT SO FAST!

  20. The real... says:

    first!

  21. dino goposaur says:

    “…as much as retarded kids like haunted houses” FTW

  22. Jim says:

    “Pullinga” Is that a new word for masturbation?

  23. George T says:

    That is one cool story, bro

  24. Phil Osafur says:

    Yep I was the fat kid who was hated on that finally found out about masturnation that one summer.

  25. philosopher. says:

    I lost my virginity in summer camp.
    His name was Kevin.

  26. flaccidplatypus says:

    haha, a kid at my summer camp actually did get molested by a creepy camp counselor named tracey, not sure why that’s funny….but that shit definitely happens at summer camps

  27. sunnie says:

    Pierrre, sounds like you lived a real life version of Something about Mary…. very funny!!

  28. thatAnonymousguy says:

    pulling a swim suit top down

  29. sunnie says:

    And what exactly is a pickle smoocher?

  30. happygolucky says:

    this was funny. some of you and you know who you are, need serious help the med kind of help why you are not already locked up i dont know scary

    retards disliking haunted house’s was some funny stuff

  31. Failosopher says:

    Last!
    Don’t!

  32. Snowflake says:

    Haha, I liked his story….

  33. Pwnonymous says:

    SAY WHAAA!?

  34. Pwnonymous says:

    I think your keyboard is missing some keys

  35. Fuck says:

    LOL @ retarded kids and haunted houses.

  36. gangster says:

    negative

  37. lulz says:

    fail…

  38. tacoball says:

    FUUURRRRSSSSSTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

  39. happygolucky says:

    jess give me a break
    the story was for girls as well as boys
    you telling me girls dont remember the first hj they gave or the creepy camp dude trying to get in there pants or the boys they caught and yes they do go out
    trying to catch these guys so they can see there first penis in action
    you have not experienced this yet i guess maybe your too young or to fat? no matter which one but some day you will unserstand

  40. Ttenag says:

    Ha!

  41. juan says:

    its ratard

  42. j boy says:

    agreed

  43. J says:

    “likes you about as much as retarded kids like haunted houses”- So wrong yet so funny

  44. Bingo says:

    Without a doubt, the funniest line in the article.

  45. D.A. says:

    And you know what. Jason didn’t need a bunch of fancy contraptions, exclusive lists and research, making people wait hours to eventually kill themselves. He just got the job done with whatever was around.

  46. rachel says:

    pickle smoocher = new favorite insult

  47. Anonymous says:

    I’ll raise you my right nu–wait! Didn’t we do this already?

  48. Andy says:

    Philosopher, you have some fucking serious problems. I’d bet my left nut that your gonna be the fucked up kid shooting students in the cafeteria at your high school when you grow up. Too bad everyone that knows you personally is too much of a pussy to say it to your face.

  49. That Jackass says:

    Yeah thats probably what would happen but you forgot to add some non-knife kills like the one with the bow and in the new remake when he hung the girl over the fire in her sleeping bag luring her boyfriend into a beartrap that snaps his leg in two I swear Jason mustve attended harvard to be clever

  50. philosopher says:

    shut up pickle smoocher

  51. philosopher says:

    its too bad that Jason Voorhees doesn’t exist, then he could just find the kids who assign cruel nicknames, and slaughter them with a machete. find the guy in the woods who is jacking off, and slit his throat. then find the guy who beats up kids for no reason, and crush his skull. then probably beat the perverted counselor to death, when he is in the empty girls locker room. then find the fat kid in empty general store, and imbed an axe blade in the kid’s head, when he is right in the middle of eating a chocolate bar. then find the older brother who is getting the HJ by the slutty girl, and stab them both at the same time with a metal pole from a gate. then he would have just enough time, to get “killed” by the nice hot counselor, and pop up at the last second to kill her

  52. Nifkin says:

    We call our friend Stacy “Felacio Stacio”. Way better than “Cum Facey Stacey”. Just sayin.

  53. Jess (ur a perv die k) says:

    fuck you

  54. PUSSYLIPS says:

    I wanna go to camp!!!!!!!!!!!!

  55. lulz says:

    That was hilarious!

  56. philosopher. says:

    I should totally be writing for this site. I’m funnier that all y’all.

  57. Philosopher Part 2: Bigger and Blacker says:

    Sup Nig

  58. asdfasdf says:

    HAH!

  59. wolfey2723 says:

    POLITICAL JOKE FAIL!!!

  60. That Jackass says:

    …To be a fucking douchebag scatmunching prick

    Anyway this list is very humerous for some reason there was always that kid that hates you for no apparent reason. Its sort of like George Bush and Iraq.

  61. Philosopher's ballsack says:

    First!

  62. Mister Mikey says:

    I miss summer !!!!!

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