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8 Unintentionally Gay Foods

gay food

We’re not judging here or anything, we’re just making some observations of the nature of food products and the prevalence of sexuality in our culture as filtered through the minds of juvenile comedy writers.

WOW Chips

anal leakage

You probably can’t buy these any more and it’s just as well, they tasted like ass. And it’s not surprising that they’re ass flavored given how focused on ass they are. WOW was apparently what the Frito-Lay company said whenever they came across oozing anus, because that’s what WOW chips contributed to the world thanks to the miracle of Olestra. Olestra, some kind of fat substitute, caused intestinal cramping and the odd spatter of anal leakage. So you could enjoy your fatty, salty snack, but later it would trickle down your leg.

The fact that Olestra pre-lubes your ass was unintentional, but it still seems suspect at best.

Pulled Pork

gay pork

It’s pork and you pull it. Maybe you yank it. Maybe you just aggressively stroke it. Doesn’t matter. Coat it in a sticky liquid and then slap it between two buns. It’s like Richard Simmons invented it.

Fruit

gay fruit

I’m going to be honest here, I never quite pieced together the etymology of “fruit” as a synonym for gay, but that’s really not relevant. I’m not the arbiter of slang, I just employ it. That being said, bananas look like wieners and a pair of cherries together looks a little like testes. Ha ha!

Vienna Sausage

gay sausage

Canned meat is a risky proposition at the best of times, but there’s something terrifying about Vienna sausage, a can of pale little meat phalluses that look like a gaggles of senior citizens at the sauna who all inexplicably got stuck in the same lugnut.

Twinkies

It’s horribly fabricated cake that tastes like nothing you can make in your own kitchen, and then it’s pumped full of white cream. The moment you’re old enough to be immature enough to make a gay food metaphor, Twinkies are what you make them about in the lunch room at school. And your friends laugh but the male librarian looks on disapprovingly and tells you to cut that out.

Fish Tacos

Holy Taco would be remiss to not give a nod to our fishy taco brethren. Probably no one who has ever heard of a fish taco hasn’t thought to themselves “hey, that’s funny, makes me think of the vagine.” And we literally mean no one. Henry Kissinger, your grandmother, the Pope, they’ve all doodled a fish taco in the corner of a menu and then two legs spread on either side of it. Probably the Pope’s was blessed or something though.

Quiche

You can’t lay this one at our feet, so if Martha Stewart is reading this, keep your comments to yourself. We didn’t make quiche gay, we just Googled it and saw that a lot of other people think quiche is gay. It’s eggs and cheese in a little pie of some manner but apparently it’s inextricably linked in the annals of epicurean history to man love. It’s the most Brokeback of all cheese pies.

Fudge

Yeah, we took the easy way out on this one.

14 Responses to "8 Unintentionally Gay Foods"

  1. Buzzfeed says:

    Here’s a better post…..

    1 Unintentionally Gay Website

    (1) http://www.holytaco.com

  2. Sirdrinks says:

    Vienna sausage…that’s some vile repugnant shit right there, hot dogs are bad enough but to miniaturize them and stuff them in a fuckin can with no expiry date? Heisus…

  3. Bosco says:

    My thoughts exactly. This site is beginning to really suck balls. Its like they don’t even try anymore…

  4. Sexual Educator says:

    What makes a fish taco gay? It may be sexual, but gay? I don’t get it….

  5. Kris says:

    It warms my soul that you used a Del Taco fish taco as your image.

  6. Winner says:

    where is the gay food? i see a picture of a picture of kobayashi eating a hot dog and i think, “oh okay, they might have something going on here”.

  7. DonkeyXote says:

    Bahahaha that hungus cat is priceless!

  8. ian fortey is not funny says:

    “oldfag” OH HAI /b/ lolwut lol!!!!!!!1@! lol

  9. lunchboy says:

    great, now I am hungry for more lunch…and it is already 5:38 on the East Coast. I’ll probably have the most manly quiche I can find…I like it, actually.

  10. lunchboy says:

    also, look into kobyoshi’s eyes…he is in a zone with that big old dog going down his throat. and, what’s worse, he’s got his mind on the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that…

  11. Dr POoPenHEiNZ says:

    your mom has the same look during her weekly bukkake partys

  12. carpet chomper says:

    who the hell is ian 40?

  13. Ian Fortey says:
    I dunno.
  14. fuckbrain says:

    Is the A team on vacation or something?