So you’re single this Valentine’s day because she bailed on you earlier this year. Oh well, there’s plenty of fish in the proverbial sea, and plenty of floozies on the literal internet. You’ll be fine! WE’LL be fine! If you’re one of the lonely one’s this year, here’s a list of things you can do to prove that you don’t need her!
- Take yourself to dinner!
Find a restaurant she always wanted to eat at, make reservations for two and grab a seat near a handful of other happy couples. Check into that restaurant on foursquare, then make constant updates on your twitter and facebook status about how much fun you and your non-existent date are having. Say things like “Kristin and I just ordered the chicken parm, not even knowing that we both like chicken parm! Ha. Best Valentine’s day ever. Only inconsiderate whores eat veal!” If you really want to seal the deal, you can have your waiter take a picture of you enjoying some red wine. Try and make it look candid, and really look like you’re having fun. Because your ex-girlfriend hated fun, and now you’re having TONS of it!
- Send flowers to her!
Yeah, I know, sounds weird and counter productive, right? But it’s not. It’ll totally send a message. Make sure you write down that the flowers are from you, then when she calls you (because she TOTALLY will) tell her you just sent her those flowers to tell her it’s over. Unless she doesn’t want it to be. Which is totally possible. Right?
- Go on a nice, long car ride!
There’s nothing like learning how to sit with yourself while behind the wheel. Listening to your iPod, visiting places you and your ex used to hang out, just to prove to yourself that you can see those places without crying now. And if you really want to prove to yourself you’re over her, do it all while listening to a playlist you put together that one time before you drove upstate. YOU’RE GOING TO BE TOTALLY FINE! You should probably also check into a few of your old haunts on foursquare and facebook with your imaginary new girlfriend. “Kristin and I are thrifting at that place out in the suburbs! I’m watching her try stuff on and everything seems to fit perfectly! Because she doesn’t have short legs and sloping shoulders. Thank God!”
- Collect your tears in baby food jars, then mail them to her!
- Accidentally send her romantic text messages!
Send her messages saying things like “I’m so happy we’re together!” and “My life was grey until you came along. Now I see everything in vivid color.” or “You’re so much hotter than my ex, and you can actually cook, too.” When she asks you why you keep texting her, tell her it’s because you had her number listed under “girlfriend” in your speed dial, and you forgot to change the corresponding number to your new girlfriend’s number. OOPS! Then tell her how much fun you’ve been having and how you’ve never been happier and how the world has opened up for you and how you’re really learning who you are which was something you couldn’t do when you were with her because she was a real soul-suck!