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The 8 Worst Types Of Retail Employees

 Dealing with retail employees can be a frustrating experience that can drive you to kill, maim, torture or shiv anyone with a name tag. Here are the eight worst.
worst employees funny

WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Bike Shops, Indie Music Stores, Gourmet Coffee Shops

Self-satisfied and pompous, this employee thinks the contents of his little store are the be-all and end-all of humanity. If you don’t purchase the one thing that this clerk deems acceptable, he will look down his nose at everything you do (despite the fact that what you just purchased, is sold in the same store this clerk works in).

YOU: I’d like to buy this “Dinosaur Jr. Best Of” CD

ELITIST PRICK: Tss. Why buy a Best Of? If you really like them, why not buy all their records?

YOU: I’m a fan of theirs, but I don’t know if I want to buy all their…

ELITIST PRICK: So you just like the “popular” hits?  You don’t deserve to be a Dinosaur Jr. fan. You should probably just listen to Top 40.

YOU: Top 40? Why do you sell this CD if you hate it so much?

ELITIST PRICK: I just work here, man. My boss buys this shit so he can cash in on you fairweather nancy boys. You want me to get you a Boyz II Men CD to go with this?

YOU: No.

ELITIST PRICK: You make me sick. Is that a Sonic Youth shirt?

YOU: Yeah, I love th…

ELITIST PRICK: We don’t sell any Sonic Youth “Greatest Hits” records here. Sorry.

YOU: But, I own everything…

ELITIST PRICK: Get out of my store.


WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Target, Baskin Robbins, Sears

You’ll know when you’ve run into this employee because when you ask him if they carry cotton undershirts, he’ll stare at you for several silent seconds. Then giggle, as if you presented him with a calculus problem, then fart. The only way to find what you’re looking for is to begin questioning him like you’re a cop on Law & Order and he’s a teenage girl who¹s just witnessed a rape.

YOU: I’m looking for picture frames.


YOU: Picture frames. I know you know where they are. Just give me something to go on.

STONER: I ha, prolly like, past those soft things then go around the curvy part I think.

YOU: Soft things? Pillows?  What curvy part?  I need you to be more specific.

STONER: I don’t know, dude, just like, you know that one part.  I dunno.

YOU: You do know!  You can do this!  Come on!

funny worst employees

WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Macy’s, Saks, Kiehls

I’m buying jeans, not going into cardiac arrest, therefore I don’t need someone coming up to me every thirty seconds asking if everything is okay.  Every time you touch anything in the store he reacts as if you’re a retarded child wandering through a grenade factory.

(You’re looking at a pair of jeans)

CHECK IN: Everything okay?

YOU: Yeah, just looking.

(CHECK IN moves away, you pick up a pair of jeans)

CHECK IN: Here, let me help you with that, those can be tricky.

YOU: No, that’s okay I can hold these jeans myself.  These jeans aren’t that tricky.

(You put away those jeans and grab a new pair)

CHECK IN: See here’s the thing about those jeans, they’re “straight legged.” The legs on them are just straight, they don’t bow out.

YOU: I figured that, since they were underneath a sign that said “straight leg.”

CHECK IN: Those signs can be tricky, let me help you with that.


funny worst employees

WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM:  In the dark, remote corners of the big-box stores like Walmart and Target.

Finding this employee is like finding one of those missing children on the back of milk boxes: It rarely happens and if you do, they¹re usually confused and non-sensical.  The Hider has managed to find one spot in the store that the manager never checks, and to which customers rarely venture.
If you happen to come across a hider, and have the nerve to ask them for some assistance, they¹ll avoid helping you as much as they possibly can.

YOU: Excuse me, can you help me find the—

(Hider begins walking away as if he didn’t hear you)

YOU: Excuse me, do you work here?

HIDER: Um…yeah. (continues walking)

YOU: So, Can you help me find-

HIDER: This isn’t my department, sorry.

YOU: …I didn”t tell you what I was looking for.

HIDER: What are you looking for.

YOU: T-shirts.

HIDER: Yeah, not my department.


teen girl funny employee

WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Nordstrom Rack, Hot Topic, Anywhere they want 20% off.

She spends the entirety of the day texting on her phone, and if you interrupt her to ask her for any kind of help, she’ll make a face like you just pulled your pants down and took a shit in front of her.  Then with the hand she’s holding the phone with, she’ll point to whatever direction someone else is in that can help you, and describe what they look like by declaring what physical imperfection they have.

YOU: Hi, I’m looking for a pair of new balance shoes.

TEENAGE GIRL:  (doesn’t look up from texting) Um, yeah, I don’t know.

(pause while she continues to text)

YOU: Um, do you know someone who might know?

TEENAGE GIRL: * SIGHS * Yeah, go over there and ask that older lady with the zits on her face. She’ll know.


funny worst employees

WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM:  Any mainstream retail store within 10 miles of a high school or college campus.

At first glance, The Actor (usually a young female) seems like a normal employee.  In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.  The Actor is merely playing the part of a sane, pleasant, helpful model employee.  She’s an actor. That’s what she does.  Unfortunately, this gives you, the customer, a false sense of security, because you think you’re dealing with a normal human being.  Then you make the mistake of saying something that remotely resembles the lyrics of a popular Broadway Musical, and chaos ensues:

HER: Hello, customer!  How was your shopping experience today?

YOU: It was pretty good. Some old lady almost fell down on the hardware aisle, though.

HER: Fell? Due to gravity?

(begins enthusiastically singing a song from the hit Broadway Musical “Wicked”)

I’m flying high!…Defying Gravity!
And no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring! Me! Down! 


HER:  (begins enthusiastically signing a song from the Musical The Music Man) He’s a what? He’s a what? He’s a music man! Wheredaya get em? Whaddaya talk?

YOU: oh, shit.

2. THE 401KERS
funny worst employees

WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Wal-Mart, Airport Security, The Mall, McDonald’s

After putting in over 40 years in the workplace, this employee retired a couple years ago, planning on spending his or her golden years kicking back and relaxing. Then, after realizing that their economically annihilated 401k would now only get them through the summer, they have to go back into the workforce and take a job anywhere that would hire a recently retired 67-year-old. Old people are bitter as it is. Old people who used to have decent jobs, but are now forced to sweep up around the Sunglass Hut at the mall instead of watching Wheel of Fortune all day long are reeeeeaallly bitter.

YOU: Excuse me, is there a Chess King in this mall?

401KER: You think I give a shit about a Chess King, sonny? I used to be the regional sales manager of NCR. I had five salesman under me.

YOU: That’s…good?

401KER: Damn right it is. What the hell did you ever manage? Back in ’95, my team pushed through 2.6 million in sales in one quarter. ONE QUARTER!  No one had ever seen that before.

YOU: That’s awesome. I was just looking for the Chess King.

401KER: Chess King? I was the goddamn Sales King! Now I have to vacuum up around the Orange Julius just so I don’t have to live under an overpass. Where’s your chess king now, boy?

YOU: I’m going to go stand over there.


funny worst employees
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Kinko’s, Starbucks, Target
From time to time, you’ll come across a store employee who resembles a lobotomized grapefruit. No matter what question you ask this employee, you’re met with a blank stare, a gaping mouth and silence. If this person was technically handicapped, you could cut them some slack and understand his or her inability to communicate thoughts and ideas. But this person is just the lower end of stupid.
YOU: Hey, do you know where the dish soap is?
YOU: The dish soap? Do you know which aisle it’s in?
YOU: Dish soap? For washing dishes? Do you know where it is?
You: Yeah…dish soap. Dish. Soap. Soap for dishes.
COMPLETE MORON:  Don’t know.
YOU: You don’t know what it is or if you have it?
YOU: Nevermind.

57 Responses to "The 8 Worst Types Of Retail Employees"

  1. Anonymous says:

    This is pretty lame

  2. Anonymous says:

    If you take your computer to Geek Squad, you deserve whatever they do to ruin your hardware.

  3. Sesh says:

    Heh I work in the entrainment sector. And I love the elitist prick. I usually work back-line on stages so I get to hang out with the bands, get their autographs, and what not. On occasion I will like a band enough to go buy their album(s). Cue me walking into record shop and asking where it is and them looking at me like a retarded slug. So I grab a CD and go to pay when EP asks me if I checked out their last show. My normal response is “I was there but didn’t manage to see much being backstage with (insert headliners name here) getting drunk” or “yeah I also got to meet Bill Murray, he was on our guest list, you know friend of a friend.” The second one is actually 100% true

  4. Anonymous says:

    actually studies show a simple picture of someone’s eyes will deter them from stealing anything.
    however it would be creepy -perhaps more efficient- if they pasted a giant angry eyes picture above the exits

  5. JohnnyBrillcream says:

    My Conversation with a Wal-Mart stock boy.

    Me: Do you know where the Microscopes are?

    SB: Microscopes…. You mean the things you look at the stars with.

    Me: No, that’s a telescope, a microscope is the piece of equipment scientists use to look at viruses, for example. They make objects that are not visible to the naked eye much larger.

    SB: Oh….. yeah, that’s a seasonal item.

    Me: OK, what time of year is microscope season?

    SB: (Blank stare)

    Me: Sorry, my fault for asking.

  6. puregonzo says:

    One more addition: the open-book. Never ever ask this cashier how they’re doing (I always make an effort to be friendly to cashiers, having once been one) because they will proceed to tell you every intimate detail about their lives, some of which they should not even share with their therapist. I usually end up laughing inappropriately when they’re telling me about how their husband just had his legs amputated, just from the sheer awkwardness of the situation.

  7. n/a says:

    Funny enough, from the flip side…you hear anything and everything about the customers and their lives either through their random rants…..someone buying Euro pillows somehow ties into a close friend of theirs son dying in a bungee jumping trip in Europe….or by those fun (by fun I mean rude) customers that refuse to get off the phone even when checking out and your stuck listening to their entire conversation because it is way too important for them to put the person on hold for the 2 mins it takes me to ring up their order…..then after the transaction is complete (and you have been written up because you were unable to offer or suggest the add on of the week), the customer leaves the store only to return two seconds later questioning why something rang up the way it did…..Do you think the phone attached to their ear had something to do with it? NAAAAAH

  8. Johnny Ray says:

    Here’s Another To Add To List …

    The Irate Regular Customer Who’s Always Just One Step Away From Never Coming Back Into The Shop …

    Where You Find Them : Indie Music Shops, Main Chain Music Stores, Circuit City, Blockbuster …

    You know them, they’re ones who takes an hour out of their day to look through the shelves of shit that they have just been through million billion times before to buy something they haven’t got twelve of already only to have out again with employee about something, they were too stoned, stupid or me-infatuiated to fucking remember ! Like bringing in limited edition two disc version of Deer Hunter they’ve been promising to get in for guy since Thanksgiving! It’s now June …

  9. Manbearpig says:

    Yeeeeaaaaahhhh (Sigh)…… I did that a few times. I was 19 and going through what I thought was a tough break up with my girl friend. I get embarassed just thinking about it.

  10. Amanda says:

    I take exception to the “Teenage Girls” category. Teenage boys are just as bad, but in different stores. You can find them in the Geek Squad at Best Buy, in which they’ll only pretend to know anything about computers, but they’ll trick you into thinking they’re technologically savvy by being glued to their iPhones. The only reason they even have the job is so that they can look for porn on your computer when you hand it in.

  11. manbearpig says:

    To add to th Elitist.. I dont know if you’ve ever gone to a Skateboard Shop.. but those guys are all serious elitist douchbags. ..

  12. Jay T. says:

    Good call… I also refer to this person as the TMI Employee, because they’ll immediately tell you things you didn’t need to know and never wanted to in the first place.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Panera Bread register employee’s are a twist on the Constant Check-In. The second you walk in the door, they start to pressure you to order. Is standing 25 feet from a register because I need to see what they dropped from the menu this week a sign that I am ready to order? I don’t think it is.

  14. MrNoMoniker says:

    off carpet?

  15. Anonymois says:

    The “Stoner” employee is depicted in a rather prejudice manner…..Then again, I do recall rescuing a fellow employee by answering a customers question for her after she had frozen up. That happened just once, stoners tend to be more clumsy than brain-dead. At least the ones who are logical enough not to invoke a peaking high

  16. Kmac says:

    You forgot two very important retail workers :

    The Stealthy Pirate Ninja Hider Pressure Salesman :

    The guy who will find any tall object in the store to hide behind, scope you out, figure out what you’re buying, then make an approach. After being told they are “just looking”, he’ll find another large object to hide behind, to keep a wider view of them, all the time customer’s he isn’t focussed on are walking around him giving him some very weird looks.

    The Silky Smooth Don’t-Know-A-Thing-But-I-Don’t-Have-To-Cause-I’m-Silky-Smooth salesman :

    You know, the salesman that will put on that oh-so-great-act (I’ve been there, done that), that you don’t even have to ask him questions to buy what you’re looking for, he’s just that damned smooth and comfortable. Just watch out! You ask him one question about the product and the sweat will roll, you’ll hear pre-programmed generic banter and nothing of what you want to hear.

  17. Anonymous says:

    I know the asian kid whos in the actor photo. his name is “Winston”

  18. Ev says:

    The 401ker at Wal-Mart is spot on. I worked for said company for way too many years. We had a door greeter at one store that could not even find the time clock. She was so old she would get lost on her way from the break room to the front doors! I shit you not. We would find her in the stock room wandering around the produce bins. The scary thing was that she was DRIVING to work everyday. That is, until her 5 th accident in a week.
    I never could understand why they put these people at the door at Wal-Mart and then expect them to deter shoplifting. What is geriatric Jerry gonna do? Run me down in the parking lot?

  19. 9. PRANKSTER says:

    9. THE PRANKSTER. budding serial killers gotta work somewhere, this employee is doing this menial job because he or she has anti-social personality disorder traits and cannot pass a background check at a real job.(NOTE to females: they ask to see your ID when you are obviously of age. don’t giggle, now they have your home address.

    WHERE TO FIND THEM. convenience stores, gas stations, restaurants.

    YOU :’hi i am a long haul trucker, can you tell me if i am heading toward the major highway? HIM :’ sure, in fact i know a shortcut!’ its the next right turn, it’s a dirt road but after 5 miles it gets you right there!..would you like a free cup of coffee buddy? i just made it! DON’T DRINK IT!!! he just made it all right but wiped his ass and added his used toilet paper into the filter with the coffee because ‘he was bored’
    YOU: now your drinking his poo coffee and you find out you have to back up a loaded tractor trailer 7 miles in soft dirt at 3 AM because there was no room to turn around at the dead end. return to the store? why, he laughed himself to sleep in the back room after locking the doors when left in case you came back.

  20. IndianaMike says:

    Talk to anyone from New York about Duane Reade pharmacies. They make you take an aptitude test to make sure you don’t pass before hiring you.

  21. Pratik says:

    I used to be the Constant Check-In at Circuit City, but not that annoying. My rule was ask once if they need help, then leave them alone.

    And I had to deal with tons of texting airheads whose knowledge only went as far as One Tree Hill and the latest issues of Vogue and People.

  22. Elfrieda says:

    There’s an employee at Microcenter (a computer/tech store) in Cincinnati who just stands there the entire time playing Wii. I think he once grudgingly asked if I needed anything, but with that “Please say no because I don’t know anything” intonation. I should have asked him where the actual employees are . . .

  23. danger lab says:

    I used to work at a Shoe Pavilion. I would be classified as the hider. Whenever a I see a customer approaching, I would walk away towards the other direction. Bunch of disgruntled people who can’t even afford a already marked down shoes. Screw’em.

  24. Joyce says:

    I am so glad I found someone who used to work at shoe pavillion. I am trying to find a specific brand of shoes that I bought from there when they were going out of business. They are a pair of suede boots that look like UGGS. The tag says LOYE, but its a goofy graphic so I am not sure if that is the actual name. Is that right? Do you know if they are an offshoot of another company or something because I can’t find anything about LOYE anywhere on the internet. I need some more of these suckers because they are like walking on clouds and I have the worst foot pain of anyone in the world. Don’t be a hider now!

  25. Anonymous says:

    Dead on with Kinkos. They’re either jam packed with people or it will be empty with an idiot employee.

    I don’t even take chances with kinkos anymore.

  26. t says:

    This artcile is only tainted by the fact that it could have been book-length, with one and only one entry for employees that do their job properly.

  27. Anonymous says:

    And Nobody In All Of Oz No Wizard That There Is Or Was Is Ever Gonna Bring Me Down! Bring Me Down! AHHHH!
    Yeah I am so the actor I laughed like an idiot when I saw the Wicked stuff.

  28. Anonymous says:

    LOL! A friend of mine took his troubled machine to them (he bought it from them and it was under warranty) and the tech apparently uninstalled all his network drivers etc. because “You don’t really need them.” The mobo had a built in ethernet card and he was using a cable ISP. I told my friend exactly the same thing you just pointed out. Nail on head, dude.

  29. hussein's in charge! says:

    what kinda scientist buys lab equipment at walmart? wouldn’t your lab already have microscopes of a higher quality than what a cheap assed retail store would stock it’s shelves with anyway? and i imagine any important research would have federal funding! maybe i’m reading to much into this? no. fuck that. did you get your degree from deVry? i did.

  30. Anonymous says:

    The Constant Check in, is everybody at Best Buy. You walk in and they ask if you need help with everything and if you stay in to long, they act like you stole something.

  31. General Chicken says:

    I eat jizz off my carpet.

  32. Anonymous says:

    I like how they consider themselves elitist when they make $10 an hour and live with their parents or grandma. I forgot about the popped collar that this individual prolly sports,and spiked hair….bag o’ douch

  33. lua says:

    im the elitist prick
    i judge you based one what you buy
    i scoff as soon as you take a step away from the register
    also, if you ask for ugly clothing, or i feel you are wearing something unflattering, i will lie and say we dont have the size
    i will also dump you off to other employees because i cant stand your idiotic questions, such as “where is the mens section?” when there is a massive sign in front of the escalator that leads to the mens department

  34. jagoff says:

    Haha you work in retail…loser!

  35. Anonymous says:

    You can find the elitist prick at any apple store.

  36. sweetfly says:

    there are no more elitist pricks than the assholes at WholeFoods . You have to be either gay , totally inked up , or be in a horrible punk band to work there .

  37. Anonymous says:

    So true. Also why were there 8 people at the door ready to greet me the moment I walked in?

  38. Rizlaking says:

    The thing about the “Helper” who will stand around and ask if you are OK and offer help while you are rummaging through a pile of clothes trying to find your size is, often times they will have just spent the last 20/30 minutes re-arranging / cleaning up that very pile of clothes because of people who simply start tossing the piles around, lifting the shirts / jeans up and hunting for their size. The store clerk merely wants to a) Save your time because they know exactly where / if your size is in the pile, and b) stop you from destroying the work they just did / creating more work for them.

    My wife works retail, so I hear all about it.

  39. Tater says:

    I’d like to add another to the list…

    “The I’m just one step away from manager guy”

    Where you’ll find them: Costco, Circuit City (RIP), Bed Bath and Beyond

    This unfortunate soul with a heart of gold, usually in his late 20s or early 30s, will always approach you as if he’s a manager because he’s been there forever. The reality is he took this job as a temporary fix to make money after dropping out midway through his 2nd year of community college, thinking he could save up a little cash and earn valuable experience while living at home with his parents. Then his parents kicked him out, and now he barely supports a crappy living in a shitty apartment off the $9/hr he’s making, but hey, he was making just $6.50 when he got there just 7 years ago! This must mean his boss really likes him, since he just made him the lead sales rep in the DVD department right? I mean, that’s gotta be a stepping stool on his way to assistant manager, being in charge of giving the one other guy he works with in his area his daily 15 minute break.

    YOU: *picks up a copy of the Dark Knight on Blu-ray*

    THAT GUY: Finding everything okay sir?

    YOU: Yeah, I just needed to grab this, i’ll be on my way to pay for it n-

    THAT GUY: Oh no, dont do that, here I can take that right here for ya *grabs the DVD and takes it to the nearby computer*

    YOU: Uh, Thanks, but there was a couple other thing i nee-

    THAT GUY: Would you like to buy the extended warranty on this product? It gives you 5 year protection in case Heath Ledger doesn’t win best supporting actor… besides it will really help my sales numbers. I gotta make sure to keep my numbers high, i’m soooo close to being promoted to assistant manager. My boss loves me. He’s a great guy *waves to boss 3 aisles over who turns away like he’s busy* There he is over there!

    YOU: Umm.. no thanks, I just want the movie, but I also nee-

    THAT GUY: That’ll be $25.49 sir, man, thanks for shopping with us today. Remember to take this receipt and fill out the survey online at this address *underlines it on receipt* my name is Gary Asshat, make sure you say i was the associate who helped you, I’d really like to make manager so i can stop wearing empty pizza boxes on my feet.

    YOU: I’ll do that…

  40. Stufry says:

    Perfection! This is every Best Buy employee in a nutshell!

  41. Anonymous says:

    You’ve never actually worked retail have you?

    Sometimes this stuff is required to say or you’ll lose your job, asshat.

  42. Cashier says:

    What about the retarded customers? Make a list of those. Its worse than us employees. Either the aisles are always too small, I’m not standing at my register waiting to wipe their ass for them, we don’t have a raincheck on an item, or they feel the need to tell me that they get better service at “insert better version of current store here”.
    And there’s more…
    oh boy trust me, there’s more.

  43. mg says:

    You can also find the elitist prick at any surf shop in california.


  44. Anonymous says:

    There is also the Circling Shark. They are kind of like the Constant Check In but more aggressive. They wander around you going from isle to isle waiting like a shark making these quick breaking attacks to ask if you need any help and then get all pissed off when you say that you are just looking. Then they go back to circling until the next opportunity presents itself after a minute or so. The only ones they are as aggressive with are their fellow sharks. They can usually be found at Guitar Center or any other store that pays it’s salesmen mostly with commissions even though sales of any worth are far and few between.

  45. Anonymous says:

    stoners get a bad rap everywhere we’re not that bad and if you’re that high as gas at work you should at least be able to do the menial tasks anyways i think its a load of shit that everybody just assume that when you’re high you’re worthless just because some act like dumbasses doesnt mean we all are

  46. Anonymous says:

    And at high noon they all get on their knees facing the headquarters building and pray to the almighty Steve.

  47. so rare says:

    apple store in chicago, i kid you not, they have an albino working there, must be the leader.

  48. jagoff says:

    apple store employees are bizarre individuals. they are like a cult, they are all pale and have gross greasy hair and dress in all black. and they all think they are the coolest people on earth. well if that criteria makes you cool, count me out.

  49. Trevor says:

    Hahaha oh man. I have evolved over the years.

    Age 16 working at Mervyn’s I was “the hider”, then I became “the check in” when I worked at Nordstrom at age 20. At age 23 I became the “Elitist” when working at Diesel.

    And one of the other posters on here is right: Most surf shops, or hipster fashion boutiques in California are full of mega douches.

  50. Deej says:

    I work at Best Buy and I guess you could consider me to be the constant check in. Reason? Do you know how many times people say, “No, just browsing-” then 15 minutes later choose a product, demand to pay for it then end up bringing it back because it didn’t have “x” feature? Now, had they said “I’m just browsing but can you show me your products with x feature?” they wouldn’t be paying a 15% restocking fee. I don’t work on commission. I’m not going to sway you towards a $1300 laptop because of the price– I don’t want to have to deal with you complaining that you paid for something you’re not using and/or the technology was “too advanced” for you… I’d rather take the time, figure out what you need, make a recommendation SOLELY on the benefits you’ll get from the product and your lifestyle and close the sale. If I recommend you get an accidental protection plan it’s because I noticed your bratty kid slamming his juice stained paws on something in the store and realize that it will save you the headache later on down the road. Eliminating your headache is eliminating my own. Your money only pays my hourly pay. I redeem nothing at the end of my shift for getting you to purchase x instead of y.

    So sue me for attempting to make sure you won’t be an unhappy, disgruntled customer two days from your purchase because you didn’t ask me for help when I offered it.

  51. Anonymous says:


  52. SouthPaw says:

    I’m a Hider

  53. Anonymous says:

    I hate those guys

  54. Rapist says:

    The Actor?
    Oh yeah, that totally happens all the time. This article is so fucking dead on!

  55. Dante says:

    i rofled quite extensively when i read the Dinosaur Jr comment from the Elitist prick.

  56. Anonymous says:

    IM AN ELITIST PRICK! I work at a local record store and I do judge everyone and everything they buy!

  57. hussein's in charge! says:

    haha! i used to be a hider/stoner when i worked at walmart! fuck overnight maintence! Customer: where is your photo section? ME: i could tell you… but then who would clean up this puddle of child piss we are standing in???