This is a guest article by Alex Sargeant. He dreams of Barenaked Ladies on his Spacehog.
Before you get to thick meat of this article, I want to share with you what I gleamed while researching it. Are you ready for this? It’s paradigm shifting, reading Nietzsche for the first time kind of shit. Sure you still want to know? Alright, here it is, I warned you: Rockstars are obsessed with their dicks and the and the juices that flow from them. Pretty heavy right?
I don’t know why I never realized this before but as soon as I did my whole world was turned upside down. It happened much like the end of The Usual Suspects: “Pearl Jam has a new album coming out? Coming. Pearl necklace. It was the crippled guy the whole time. Pearl Jam is man batter!” Jeremy had spoken, and he said Pearl Jam meant jism.
How to use in a sentence: Man, I just spread my Pearl Jam all over her/his face toast.
It’s hard (pun) to believe, but even the seemingly innocent Little Richard isn’t immune from playing (pun) around with his penis name. Richard can be shortened (pun) to Dick (no pun). The man gave himself the stage name Little Dick. He chose to declare to the world that he in fact has a small dick. Only someone with huge balls would decide to do such a thing.
How to use in a sentence: He/she just put his/her Little Richard all over her/his face.
There is nothing clever about Steely Dan. “Steely Dan III from Yokohama” is the name of a strap on dildo from William S. Burroughs Naked Lunch. Steely Dan is a bunch of dildos. Sexual but unoriginal dildos.
How to use in a sentence: She/he just put her/his Steely Dan all over my face.
I expected the Sex Pistols to name their band after a schlong. What I didn’t expect was how many people did not realize a Sex Pistol was, in fact, a schlong. The receptionist and a bunch of other women here in the office assumed Sex Pistol was short for “Call the HR department.” Man they’re dumb.
How to use in a sentence: I fired my Sex Pistol all over her/his face.
The Flaming Lips
The Flaming Lips are the only band on this list to name their band after a female organ. If you haven’t guess it already, flaming lips refers to a penis vagina. I applaud them for this.
How to use in a sentence: She jumped from the top bunk and slammed her Flaming Lips all over his/her face.
I’m told AC/DC actually named their band after Alternating and Direct Current but around the same time, AC/DC was a popular term for a bi-sexual. For the sake of this article, they named their band after a popular term for bi-sexuals. There’s no way to prove me wrong. None. AC/DC is a bi-sexual and I will near no more backtalk from you!
How to use it in a sentence: I put my AC/DC all over his/her face.
Jewel got to be famous after spending 10 years living in a fridge box in Alaska selling moose donuts to people who voted for Sarah Palin. She was sort of born with her name and all but that doesn’t mean her parents were thinking of balls when they saw her the first time.
How to use in a sentence: The snaggle tooth in his/her face got stuck in my left Jewel.
No one likes Limp Bizkit. Fred Durst sings as well as he spells the word biscuit. Politics aside, a Limp Bizkit is a flaccid penis… just like the band.
How to use in a sentence: Bob Dole couldn’t put his Limp Bizkit all over his/her face.
There’s really no mystery here, I just needed a tenth band for this list and this was it. A Butthole Surfer is exactly what you think it is: Keanu Reeves in Point Break.
How to use in a sentence: Keanu Reeves has “Butthole Surfer” written all over his face.
Axl Rose is an anagram for oral sex. I don’t think he’s smart enough to have thought that up on purpose, if he had, his name would have been Oral Sex. Either way, you can spell oral sex with just the letters in his name. Neat.
How to use in a sentence: I wish someone besides Tommy Hilfiger would punch Axl Rose all over his/her face.
The members of 10cc claim that 10cc is the average amount of sperm ejaculated by the human male. The members of 10cc are wrong. The average amount is actually 3cc. I do like how they measure things though. By 10cc’s standards, my penis is ten inches.
How to use in a sentence: That Butthole Surfer Keanu Reeves just used his Sex Pistol to spread 10cc’s of Pearl Jam from his Jewel all over that AC/DC’s Limp Bizkit.