Recently, according to at least one dating site, Nickelback was voted the biggest musical turn off of all – if you listed Nickelback as a favorite band, you were basically saying to others “Sex? Oh no, none for me, thanks” and they responded in kind. And far be it from us to defend Nickelback (because they suck terribly) but we will acknowledge that, outside of Nickelback, some musicians at least have single songs that are even less sexually appealing. And, ya know, here they are.
Bangs – Take U to Da Movies
Oh my God, Bangs. You’re picking up a girl with movies and popcorn-weiner euphemisms? This is almost criminal.
Eddie Murphy – Party all the Time
Eddie Murphy’s girl likes to party all the time. Party all the time. Party all the ti-ime. Your girl will run away if you listen to this terrible song, however. You see, because it’s terrible and plays out like disco diarrhea with Rick James’ terrible hair there to frighten you for every beat.
Brad Paisley – Ticks
This song is meant to be cute in some way, but it’s still invoking parasite inspection as a come on for a romantic encounter. This is why country music gets mocked so much, people. This is real hillbilly shit right here. It’s only a small step to checking someone for worms here, ya know.
Paul Lekakis – Boom Boom Boom
Listen to this- “Boom boom boom let’s go back to my room so we can do it all night and you can make me feel right.” For the sake of a terrible rhyme, these lyrics seem to suggest our buddy Paul has something wrong with him. I’ve got a fever and the only cure is more poontang.
Sisqo – Thong Song
Listen, attractive lady, I like you so much I want you to expose to me a strap of fabric that’s wedged in your buttocks. Yeah. Resist me.
Boys Don’t Cry – I Wanna Be a Cowboy
It seems like this song is supposed to be sexual, the dude singing sounds like he’s faced more than one felony charge for inappropriate behavior, but what the hell is that verse about Ted? For real? A dirty guy named Ted?
Color Me Badd – I Wanna Sex You Up
This poor man’s Boyz II Men featured what was arguably the ugliest line up of dudes in one of these smooth ladykiller bands of the 90s. There were two guys who looked like slightly gayer George Michaels, an underfed Young MC and Kenny G’s stunt double – just hideous. Combine that with the worst pick up line ever, as no woman has ever thought “Yes, Kenny G, I would like to be sexed up” and you’ve got one crap ass song.
Kelis – Milkshake
This song makes me want to be lactose intolerant.
R. Kelly – Pregnant
This is forever and a day long. Just listen to the very first line. No time? Alright, it’s “Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant.” No, really.