Is it the apocalypse? Is it air pollution? Is it a death cult made up entirely of birds that all drank from the same batch of cyanide-laced Kool Aid?
No one knows why thousands of birds have spontaneously dropped dead in Arkansas just after New Year’s; but one thing that is for sure is that the wrong birds have died. Those birds from Arkansas have done nothing wrong. They have not polluted our culture with their BS, unlike some other birds out there that are far more deserving of a death that involves using their arms to soar above the clouds, only to go in to cardiac arrest and plummet a couple thousand feet.
These are those birds.
That Owl From The Tootsie Pop Commercials
You have no goddamn clue how many licks it takes. Just admit it. You’re an owl. You licked three times and then used your vise-like owl jaws to crush the tough candy coating. Your system of lick measurement is untrustworthy and flawed. It cannot be used by humans to judge how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop. It’s like trying to pay for a Tootsie pop with confederate money — totally useless. And you’re wearing a graduation cap, which implies you are educated in some way. Really, it just proves your snobby asshole that knows dick about shit.
Woodys Owl From 1970s Litter PSAs
No. I shall not give a hoot. In fact, I don’t give three hoots, nor do I give a rats ass, a flying f*ck, or even two shits. And that’s saying something considering the exchange rate between hoots and shits is totally in favor of hoots.
The song can stay. All the drunk redneck bastards that request it at every live concert, from Metallica to Enya, can die.
The Giant Bird From The Lord of the Rings
So, you never once suggested to Gandolf that maybe you could just pick up everyone, pile them on your backs, soar over Mount Doom and have Frodo drop the ring in to the lava from 1,000 feet in the air? Never once? Look, giant bird that was once a moth or something, I love the Lord of the Rings movies, but at a certain point my love for those movies is overshadowed by my greater love for simple solutions to preventing the mass enslavement of a global population. You’re a dick. Just a real dick.
Senator Robert Byrd
Oh, he’s already dead. Well, one down, I guess.
Phoenix (aka Jean Gray from the X-Men)
Seriously, bitch. Just die already. You’re just a shitty plot device for comic book writers to use to temporarily kill off an important character to heighten the drama, only to inevitably bring that character back because if you didn’t you’d get bizarre nerdy death threats from people that spend a lot of their free time writing X-Men/Harry Potter fan-fiction.
The Road Runner
By all accounts, you should have been dead 40 years ago. But you are wily – wilier than your arch nemesis who, ironically, is named Wiley, but is in no way wily.
The Cocoa Puffs Bird
You’re like The Joker from Batman: you’re level of insanity is so high that it transcends insanity; thus making you one of the most sane people alive, which is how you’ve managed to stay alive for so long. You’re so batshit nuts that even the decades of sugary chocolate cereal you’ve consumed has not and will not have a negative impact on your health. It’s probably because being that koo-koo is kind of an aerobic exercise. Thankfully, most children that buy your product do not suffer from your mental health issues, but they are in danger of being dangerously overweight and getting diabetes. You’re a terrible influence. And you’ve probably taken a life or two just to see what it felt like. You’re sick.
Bird Bowl Bowling Alley in Miami, Florida
This is an obscure one that probably only 2 of our readers will understand, but I think the idea behind it is universal: maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like being stabbed by gang members when I bowl. I suck at bowling enough as it is. I don’t want to get a kidney punctured for wearing a blue T-shirt while I suck at bowling.