Dante's Inferno took us through the 9 levels of hell when you die. But we think there are plenty of hellish places you can find yourself in when you're alive. Here are the 9 levels of hell you've probably encountered at some time in your life.
LEVEL 1: Jiffy Lube Waiting Room
At first glance, the Jiffy Lube waiting room seems down-trodden, but normal. It has all of the common elements of any other waiting room: magazines, a television set, coffee, donuts, and even a little candy machine. However, upon further investigation, you’ll quickly discover that the Jiffy Lube waiting room somehow contains the absolute worst of all of these things. The magazines are from 2002, and half the pages are torn out. The television set somehow always has terrible reception, and is stuck on Spanish soap operas because the channel buttons are broken. The coffee is cold, the donut box is empty, and the candy machine is half filled with Mike & Ike’s, and half-filled with the dead bugs who ate the rest of the Mike & Ike’s. But wait, it gets worse: at the end of all of this, a guy with half of your education is going to rip you off, and then present you with a receipt from a printer that was built before cocaine became popular.
LEVEL 2: Open Mic Night At A Coffee Shop
Usually you’ve been invited to this level of hell by someone you work with, or one of your girlfriend’s friends. There’s nine people in the audience, yet somehow the person you came to see is 64th on the list to go up. After sitting through eleven different performances of John Lennon’s “Imagine,” all of which were prefaced with a five minute talk about when they came across a homeless person/dog/child that looked “disenchanted”, the person you came to see comes up. Then he or she plays an original song they wrote, the lyrics of which read like the opening credits theme to Full House. Then, after they’ve finished, you can’t just leave, because they wants to “have a cup of coffee” with you, even though by this point it’s 11:45 p.m. and you’d rather not ingest something that’s going to keep you up for four more hours and cause you to shit out the nine maple scones you ate while trying to pass the time before his performance.
LEVEL 3: A One-Year-Old's Birthday Party
Walking into a one-year-old’s birthday party is like walking into a really bad acid trip. There’s colorful shit all over the walls, everyone’s speaking in disturbingly high voices and time slows to a crawl. Then, as you stand there, you have to pretend that you’re really excited for the gurgling, snotting “special little guy” who has no idea why someone is shoving a flaming cake in his face or forcing him to wear a hat. Having a birthday party for a one-year-old is like having a birthday party for a chair or an amoeba. Yet, you have to paste a fake smile across your lips every time someone says, “Let’s all take another photo of the amoeba!”
LEVEL 4: A Denny's Restaurant Near A High School Right After A School Play Ends
Drama kids are the most annoying people in any school environment, but few things are worse than 30 high school drama kids hopped up on post-performance adrenaline, teenage hormones, and Moon’s Over My Hammy. Most of these loud, obnoxious adolescent thespians will still be sporting a thick layer of stage make-up to let everyone know that they were just in a play, and if that’s not a clear enough signal, they’ll be sure to constantly scream lines from Pygmalion, or West Side Story, or whatever other shit-ass play they just stumbled through. You’re eating at Denny’s, so your meal is not going to be that great to begin with, but these cracked-out drama kids are sure to make your dining experience a living hell.
LEVEL 5: Kinkos
No matter what you need to get done at Kinkos, if you ask an employee for help, he’ll take a simple process and explain it to you like he’s trying to recount the plot to Mullholand Drive. “Okay so first, you go to the color printer, no wait, first you grab the copy key, then there’s this part where you take your jump drive and…okay, before that part though, there’s this other part that’s really important where…hmm, maybe I have that backwards.” Then after you finally figure out what machine you have to use, it sends to a printer that apparently doesn’t exist, nor has ever, yet the Kinko’s guy is sure he’s seen it before. It’s like the Sixth Sense, except replacing Bruce Willis with a HP laser jet, and Haley Joel Osment with a 27-year-old guy who’s probably tried on several occasions to overdose on marijuana.
LEVEL 6: Emergency Room At 1 A.M.
You’re sitting next to ten people, all of whom look like they’ve caught whatever that monkey in Outbreak had. The whole place smells like someone threw a bucket of bleach on top of a pile of baby shit. Then every ten minutes, a nurse comes out and calls the name of someone you’re almost POSITIVE sat down five minutes ago. Meanwhile the guy vomiting next to you has filled up his barf bag and set it down between you and he, even though there’s no one sitting on the other side of him. You try and sleep, but the chair you’re sitting in was apparently used in Guantanamo Bay to torture Al Qaeda members into giving up Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts. Finally, the night ends at six in the morning, when you get seen, then are informed that your insurance doesn’t cover this exact location, and you’re going to have to pay through the ass.
LEVEL 7: Dinner With Two People Who Want To Get Divorced
Have you ever noticed how mashed potatoes can instantly remind you of how much you hate your spouse? If you have, then that probably means you desperately want to get a divorce, but can’t afford to. Somehow every single element of life reminds these people that they hate each other. Subtle complaints about the green beans or the silverware quickly lead to harsh, quippy remarks on sexual performance, followed by a long, uncomfortable silence. Don’t bother trying to change the conversation, because as soon as anyone says anything, they’ll both go back to an argument that they were having long before you even showed up. Eventually, one of them will leave the table and the other one will complain in a hushed tone to you about why they hate their spouse, and what financial woes are troubling them. If you’re thinking you can just leave, forget it. No matter how awkward it gets, they will never let you leave. You’re trapped in this hell for the entire night.
LEVEL 8: A Gas Station Bathroom When You Have To Shit
Upon first entering the eighth level of hell, you’re actually in awe. And then the fear sets in. How is there shit smeared on top of other forms of shit? Why is there a human leg in the corner? Is that a bucket of custard? As you attempt to relieve yourself, the only thing you can do is spread your legs as far as they will go so no fleshly parts of your body touch the stained, beige, cracked toilet “seat.” When you’re finished with shitting, you then realize (a little too late, I might add) that you’re now forced to wipe your own asshole with what can only be described as “mushroom sand paper.” It’s not absorbent, it’s rough enough to draw blood and there appears to be some small civilization living on its surface. The fact that you now probably have AIDS doesn’t help, either.
LEVEL 9: Florida
There are four types of people you will encounter in Florida. 1) Proudly uneducated toothless rednecks who think they’ve “made it” because they parked their trailer “in a place that has warm all the time.” 2.) Fat, jackass Midwestern tourists in cut-off jeans who think spending two weeks of their vacation eating fried shrimp at an Orlando Red Lobster qualifies as some sort of exotic luxury. 3.) Walking, wrinkled corpses who are somehow still given driver’s licenses…and actually drive cars despite their half-inch cataracts and non-existent motor skills. And 4) Everyone who lives in Miami (snobby club sluts, Cubans who won’t shut up about Cuban politics, South Beach Guido douchebags etc.) If you ever find yourself in the Ninth Level of Hell (aka, Florida), you should probably just kill yourself. Or go to the nearest airport and take the first flight out of there. Whichever is easier.
I have a good one.
Your work place's elevator ride -- Cheesy music, COMPLETELY packed, and one fat guy in the middle of the elevator just ate at Taco Bell (imitation Mexican Food makes for some REALLY nasty farts).
I would also say any College open mic. Every fucking bro and their bro buddy has to cover (terribly) some dumbass Dave Mathews band song on their gay ass acoustic guitar. Its sickening.
u are fucking stupid dmb is one of the greatest bands. and i dont even smoke never have and never will. he has beautiful lyrics a great voice and he is damn good on the guitar.
I have one thing to add to the people who live in Fl. Anybody whose life has become so unbearable wherever else they lived that they move to florida. Shit flows downhill, and that is as far south as you can get.
You don't have to worry about Miami, unless you are in Miami. The rednecks surrounding Miami make sure those assholes stay there. What you missed however (with the exception of midwesterners...actually, just people from Ohio and Michigan.) Are the few groups that make this place such a heaping helping of shit. Specifically, New York/New Jerseyers, Californians, Canadians, and the aforementioned midwest.
Look deeper into why Florida sucks. Traffic is ridiculous because old people. Who came from where? New York/New Jersey. I swear you send your old folks and guidos down here on purpose.
Club sluts and few other south beach guidos? That's right, poor Californian immigrants. Also, the weird crime, people eating their children and fucking goats? Californian transplants, every time.
Canadians and midwesterners are less evil. Just old, senile, self important assholes slowly growing their melanoma.
Nice call with Florida. Here's a few other ones that could be on this list...
- The endless powerpoint presentation during a conference, during which every key point is repeated at least three times.
- Waiting in line at the grocery store while the checker has a long conversation with the person in front of you - in the express lane. At which point the person realizes after all of their crap is already bagged up that they still need to pay for it, so of course they pull out the old checkbook.
- Waiting in line behind the person who apparently has never in their life used an ATM machine before.
You're on a long line that's creeping along. The fat ass in front of you finally unloads their cart in slow motion and then stares at the cashier as they ring every single goddam item up, never making a move to bag their own groceries or pull their wallet out. Then they watch, slackjawed, as the cashier bags the whole order. Only then do they reach for their wallet. Fumble. Fumble. Fumble. Finally they pass some bills to the cashier and as they open the cash drawer you hear the words of doom -
"Wait ... I think I have a penny."
F*ck me. I've got loads of pennies. I've already got them in my hand since I've had oodles of spare time watching this slow motion drama unfold over the last 10 minutes. At that point I hand a couple to the cashier just to get the jerk out of my way. Life is too short for this type of idiocy.
If wolves roamed the streets they would eat these people first.
Add to waiting in line at the grocery store/pharmacy the fact that the jackass in line behind has to stand so close to you that you can feel their breath on the back of your neck, and everytime you move you bump into them and they have the audacity to look annoyed at you when it happens. From my many experiences, the culprit is usually some form of older asian woman.
Where you go when you're trying to be quick but find yourself behind some retard with an entire cart full of crap and a baby in one arm who doesn't have a fucking clue how to use the scanner. Then they can't pack all their groceries in the bag holders because the platform for weight is too small for their load. Go to a regular lane, idiot in Safeway on 4th Street in Calgary or put your kid back in the damn cart. They don't need to be in your bloody arms 24-7.
Or behind some borderline-homo who notices an old friend in the line and chats more than they fucking scan. You want to talk? Go to a fucking coffee shop.
Haha I was just in Flordia for vacation all of last week and the whole time I was down there I couldn't belive how much I hated all the people there. I'm glad I wasn't the only person to notice this.
How about the level of being stuck at a St. Patty's Day house party with people who aren't Irish and do the "drinking" they think the Irish do. But, they do have red hair. That's like being African American with a small penis. No offense. I have to be white with a big penis
I'd have to say that one of the lowest levels of hell happens to be going into a gas station anywhere in the midwest to quickly pay for gas so you can leave. When you get to the (only) cashier working, you notice that there's an old redneck fart in front of you that wastes a ungodly amount of time fucking with lottery tickets. "Yeah, ummm gimme 3 powerballs, (long pause) 4 quick picks and a number 3, 4, and 5 scratch-offs. I got a gazillion old tickets, could you see if they won anything?"
Good god you old bastard, either die or move!! Then, there are several employees not doing anything to help people get the fuck out of there. One counting cigarettes, one outside smoking, one in the back room loafing and someone cleaning the windows....hell I tell ya!
What about being stuck on hold on the phone while trying to check the status of your unemployment claim? It's worse than listening to the DirecTV setup channel infinitely.
Aw that's not nice. I've worked hard all my life and never asked anyone for a damn dime til now...that I am unemployed...Its the least my employer could do for me. Do you want to make my next mortgage payment sir?
Unemployment is paid to people who have been unexpectedly laid off and don't have another job to immediately fall back on. Also you have to be actively looking for a new job. Don't call people lazy when you're a moron.
People like us wouldn't have to collect unemployment if "hard-working business owners" didn't lay us off without cause.
In a perfect world, I'd have a savings account that could keep me afloat for 3-6 months while I search for a new job, but since the aforementioned "hard-working business owner" was only paying me $10/hr, I didn't have enough extra money to put into savings because I was working paycheck-to-paycheck.
Maybe you should have gone to college or taken up a job which offered more than $10/hr. It's not other peoples fault you took a low paying job, don't blame others.
What about being in the elevator with co-workers or strangers who insist on making annoying, pointless small talk with you, even when you have your headphones on full blast and shades on? WTF?
(179 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
March 17th, 2009 at 01:22 pm
How did a Check Cashing and/or Bails-Bonds shop not make this list?
March 19th, 2009 at 05:15 pm
Because the majority of people don't use these services
October 5th, 2009 at 07:06 pm
I have a good one.
Your work place's elevator ride -- Cheesy music, COMPLETELY packed, and one fat guy in the middle of the elevator just ate at Taco Bell (imitation Mexican Food makes for some REALLY nasty farts).
March 17th, 2009 at 01:22 pm
I would also say any College open mic. Every fucking bro and their bro buddy has to cover (terribly) some dumbass Dave Mathews band song on their gay ass acoustic guitar. Its sickening.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Why does every guy who buy's a acustic guitar and smokes pot think the DMB invented music?
November 12th, 2009 at 06:43 pm
u are fucking stupid dmb is one of the greatest bands. and i dont even smoke never have and never will. he has beautiful lyrics a great voice and he is damn good on the guitar.
March 17th, 2009 at 02:13 pm
Spot on, as usual. I have to agree with Nick, too. Pretty much any open mic in a "hip" environment is cause for suicide.
March 17th, 2009 at 02:26 pm
Coworker talking about his kids.......where do you go? You are cornered
March 17th, 2009 at 02:29 pm
Change Level Four to
LEVEL 4: A Denny's Restaurant Near A High School Right After Prom/Homecoming Ends
March 17th, 2009 at 02:35 pm
I have one thing to add to the people who live in Fl. Anybody whose life has become so unbearable wherever else they lived that they move to florida. Shit flows downhill, and that is as far south as you can get.
March 19th, 2009 at 05:13 pm
Downhill, not down latitude fucktard
January 2nd, 2010 at 08:55 pm
latitude, elevation. yea, in a metaphor it makes AAAAALL the diference
March 17th, 2009 at 02:39 pm
You don't have to worry about Miami, unless you are in Miami. The rednecks surrounding Miami make sure those assholes stay there. What you missed however (with the exception of midwesterners...actually, just people from Ohio and Michigan.) Are the few groups that make this place such a heaping helping of shit. Specifically, New York/New Jerseyers, Californians, Canadians, and the aforementioned midwest.
Look deeper into why Florida sucks. Traffic is ridiculous because old people. Who came from where? New York/New Jersey. I swear you send your old folks and guidos down here on purpose.
Club sluts and few other south beach guidos? That's right, poor Californian immigrants. Also, the weird crime, people eating their children and fucking goats? Californian transplants, every time.
Canadians and midwesterners are less evil. Just old, senile, self important assholes slowly growing their melanoma.
But hey, I like shuffleboard.
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:43 am
swear you send your old folks and guidos down here on purpose.
As a New Yorker I endorse your product and/or services.
March 17th, 2009 at 02:43 pm
Nice call with Florida. Here's a few other ones that could be on this list...
- The endless powerpoint presentation during a conference, during which every key point is repeated at least three times.
- Waiting in line at the grocery store while the checker has a long conversation with the person in front of you - in the express lane. At which point the person realizes after all of their crap is already bagged up that they still need to pay for it, so of course they pull out the old checkbook.
- Waiting in line behind the person who apparently has never in their life used an ATM machine before.
March 18th, 2009 at 09:02 am
Checkout lines bring out the worst in people.
You're on a long line that's creeping along. The fat ass in front of you finally unloads their cart in slow motion and then stares at the cashier as they ring every single goddam item up, never making a move to bag their own groceries or pull their wallet out. Then they watch, slackjawed, as the cashier bags the whole order. Only then do they reach for their wallet. Fumble. Fumble. Fumble. Finally they pass some bills to the cashier and as they open the cash drawer you hear the words of doom -
"Wait ... I think I have a penny."
F*ck me. I've got loads of pennies. I've already got them in my hand since I've had oodles of spare time watching this slow motion drama unfold over the last 10 minutes. At that point I hand a couple to the cashier just to get the jerk out of my way. Life is too short for this type of idiocy.
If wolves roamed the streets they would eat these people first.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Add to waiting in line at the grocery store/pharmacy the fact that the jackass in line behind has to stand so close to you that you can feel their breath on the back of your neck, and everytime you move you bump into them and they have the audacity to look annoyed at you when it happens. From my many experiences, the culprit is usually some form of older asian woman.
March 17th, 2009 at 02:51 pm
How did Monday's and Tuesday's at the DMV miss this list?
March 17th, 2009 at 04:07 pm
Reading articles on HT because your keyboard is broken and it's one of five links in the favorites that you can access by mouse.
March 17th, 2009 at 04:20 pm
Self-checkouts in grocery stores.
Where you go when you're trying to be quick but find yourself behind some retard with an entire cart full of crap and a baby in one arm who doesn't have a fucking clue how to use the scanner. Then they can't pack all their groceries in the bag holders because the platform for weight is too small for their load. Go to a regular lane, idiot in Safeway on 4th Street in Calgary or put your kid back in the damn cart. They don't need to be in your bloody arms 24-7.
Or behind some borderline-homo who notices an old friend in the line and chats more than they fucking scan. You want to talk? Go to a fucking coffee shop.
March 17th, 2009 at 06:14 pm
Or in the checkout line behind the person with a fist full of coupons.
March 17th, 2009 at 05:47 pm
Haha I was just in Flordia for vacation all of last week and the whole time I was down there I couldn't belive how much I hated all the people there. I'm glad I wasn't the only person to notice this.
March 17th, 2009 at 06:03 pm
Floridas actually a pretty great place. I love it
March 17th, 2009 at 06:26 pm
I gotta say that #8 truly is my living hell!
March 17th, 2009 at 06:56 pm
Amen Brother! I live in Orlando and everything you said is the absolute truth. I can't wait to get the hell outta here.
March 17th, 2009 at 07:51 pm
Just gotta stick to Tampa. the only normal place in Fl
March 18th, 2009 at 05:39 pm
Were there are more Strip Clubs than there are schools! lol
MIAMI FTW!!!
You guys just go to the wrong places I tell ya.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Miami and Tampa ftw every place else can fuck off.
March 20th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Tampa: homeless capital of Florida!
March 17th, 2009 at 09:06 pm
How about the level of being stuck at a St. Patty's Day house party with people who aren't Irish and do the "drinking" they think the Irish do. But, they do have red hair. That's like being African American with a small penis. No offense. I have to be white with a big penis
March 19th, 2009 at 05:07 pm
Obviously you're not Irish
March 17th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
This means the 9th gate of hell is held by Miley Cyrus. Im glad to state that the demon cleaner has obviously left its post.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
You forgot to add old folks homes. Those places are totally hellish. Well...Maybe they're more like purgatory.
March 19th, 2009 at 03:20 pm
They are all here in Florida. Duh.
March 18th, 2009 at 01:09 am
I'd have to say that one of the lowest levels of hell happens to be going into a gas station anywhere in the midwest to quickly pay for gas so you can leave. When you get to the (only) cashier working, you notice that there's an old redneck fart in front of you that wastes a ungodly amount of time fucking with lottery tickets. "Yeah, ummm gimme 3 powerballs, (long pause) 4 quick picks and a number 3, 4, and 5 scratch-offs. I got a gazillion old tickets, could you see if they won anything?"
Good god you old bastard, either die or move!! Then, there are several employees not doing anything to help people get the fuck out of there. One counting cigarettes, one outside smoking, one in the back room loafing and someone cleaning the windows....hell I tell ya!
March 18th, 2009 at 01:48 am
What about being stuck on hold on the phone while trying to check the status of your unemployment claim? It's worse than listening to the DirecTV setup channel infinitely.
March 18th, 2009 at 03:28 pm
Hard working business owners pay your unemployment check....go fuck yourself.
Lazy bitch.
March 19th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Aw that's not nice. I've worked hard all my life and never asked anyone for a damn dime til now...that I am unemployed...Its the least my employer could do for me. Do you want to make my next mortgage payment sir?
April 12th, 2009 at 08:40 pm
Unemployment is paid to people who have been unexpectedly laid off and don't have another job to immediately fall back on. Also you have to be actively looking for a new job. Don't call people lazy when you're a moron.
Stupid dick.
September 13th, 2009 at 04:09 pm
Dude, you fuck off.
People like us wouldn't have to collect unemployment if "hard-working business owners" didn't lay us off without cause.
In a perfect world, I'd have a savings account that could keep me afloat for 3-6 months while I search for a new job, but since the aforementioned "hard-working business owner" was only paying me $10/hr, I didn't have enough extra money to put into savings because I was working paycheck-to-paycheck.
Asshole.
December 18th, 2009 at 08:04 am
Maybe you should have gone to college or taken up a job which offered more than $10/hr. It's not other peoples fault you took a low paying job, don't blame others.
March 18th, 2009 at 08:24 am
What about being in the elevator with co-workers or strangers who insist on making annoying, pointless small talk with you, even when you have your headphones on full blast and shades on? WTF?
March 18th, 2009 at 09:50 am
At least you got the Jiffy Lube Level correct.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Yes, please stay out of Florida, we don't want you here.
And you didn't mention the DMV....Not clever and a poorly thought out list.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:41 am
somebody is pissy for Florida...
March 19th, 2009 at 09:22 am
Florida just got pwnt
April 17th, 2009 at 03:53 pm
Florida pwnt your mom.
Ohhhh snap.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Hey Florida...Shut up stupid
March 19th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
IF Florida is #1 then New York and California must be 1b and 1c because they are filled entirely with cunts.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:50 am
People with limited vocabulary who depend totally on the "f" word to express their whiny and vacuous thoughts.
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