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9 of the Most Depressing Fetishes Ever

Fetishes make the world go ‘round and everyone is into something.  You prefer blondes, you prefer big boobs, you like honey mustard on your taint, whatever.  Most fetishes (not all.  Never all.  But most) are perfectly OK.  It’s a harmless quirk that turns your crank, so good for you.  But even if they’re OK, it doesn’t mean they’re “OK.”  Like have fun with it, but be prepared to acknowledge the fact it’s kind of sad that this is what it takes to get you off.  Don’t feel bad if any of these work for you.  I can only get aroused by being sworn at while I take apart Schwinn bicycles.

Feet

AKA Podophilia!  A foot fetish is insanely common. Vaguely scientific research suggests it is in fact the single most common fetish and, amongst fetishized body parts, pulls in numbers around 47%.  Meaning 47% of people surveyed on the subject dig feet, with all other body parts making up the rest.  Good for you, feet.

Love feet or hate them, you have to acknowledge that being turned on by feet is just a headshaking turn of events.  Again, no judgment, this is self reflection.  It’s a foot, the most utilitarian part of your body.  Gnarly nails, calluses, unusual hair placement – if you didn’t have an ass, the foot would be your ass.

Sure some people (ladies) take really good care of their feet and get pedicures and look at sleek and sexy but at the end of the day they’re still the meaty stumps made to keep your whole body upright and to traverse rocky outcrops and turd-filled fields like our ancient ancestors did.  If that turns you on, it’s probably because you enjoy a little degradation.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Trees

AKA Dendrophilia.  Seriously, this is a fetish.  You get a boner (lady boner) for trees.  Nothing really positive can be said about this.  Why trees?  Is it a nature thing?  Any trees or just some trees?  Do you hump the tree or just rub it?

Loving nature is fine, we’re bastards to forests, they deserve some consideration.  But maybe not weiner consideration.  Things like weevils, fungus, splinters, all of these are concerns when you have a love of trees and all of these are things that give others full permission to judge you.  Judge away, judgey.

Whiz

AKA Urolagnia!  Yeah, people dig pee.  Do you dig pee?  There are some remarkably ignorant people who drink their own pee because they think it has health benefits.  If you ever get a chance, chat with one, it’s stunning to listen to.  Then see what else you can dupe them in to, because clearly they’re not super bright and will swallow just about anything *rimshot*.

Pee drinkers aside, some folks just enjoy a golden shower or, if the internet is to be believed, watching people pee.  You can see how this started as almost normal intimacy – there’s a whole bodily fluid thing that seems pretty popular during sex, according to research I’ve done. It’s just urine is generally not 100% needed during sex, whereas some other fluids are.  But folks like variety and if you’ve been drinking a lot of Mr. Pibb, one thing can lead to another and there you go, you’re getting off on waste water.  Fetish.

Bus Perving

AKA Frotteurism!  This sounds almost classy when you don’t call it bus perving, but at the end of the day it’s totally bus perving.  Substitute “subway” at your leisure.  Basically it’s getting off on rubbing against people.  The other person is not in on the perving, hence what makes it perving.  So it’s dry humping a stranger.  And while all of us have probably had our goodies jostled in a crowd by accident, is it fully necessary to pursue this as some kind of hobby?  Not really.  Plus the risk of being caught and beaten senseless is high.  And you’ll deserve it.

Mucus

AKA Mucophilia!  Why on God’s green Earth is this a thing?  Of all the sticky, wet things in the human body, mucus is arguably one of the least arousing.  If this is your fetish there’s probably a sordid, weird history of you having a lot of colds as a child or weird sinus infections and your mom making you blow your nose, or you sneezed on some boobs or who knows what.  It’s weird anyway.  Mucus in your respiratory system basically works like a sticky rodent trap does in the kitchen, only instead of catching mice it catches all the funk you breathe in. Mmm, sexy.

Dressing Like a Baby

AKA Infantalism!  Hey, you ever seen an adult baby?  Yeah.

Old People

AKA Gerontophila!  This is getting turned on by the elderly.  I don’t know what qualifies as elderly exactly.  Is it over 65?  Maybe.  I will take this opportunity to point out that Susan Sarandon is a mature lady and I would date her so hard.  SO HARD MAN!!  GRRRRAAAGHHH!   She actually shot me down once on Twitter (no lie) so it was a bit of a whirlwind romance.

Mannequins

AKA Agalmatophilia! Yeah, nothing like humping a dummy, ask Courtney Stodden’s husband!  Ha ha ha!  Oh man.  But seriously, did you ever see the movie Mannequin?  I would wreck 80’s Kim Cattrall.  I apologize for being so offensive to women, it’s only because I’m offensive.

Farts

AKA Eproctophilia!  Dude, for real?  Farts?  I know poop is a fetish that I chose to leave off this list because farts actually seems sadder to me.  Worse?  No, but sadder.  A poop fetish is gross, but a fart fetish just seems like something a sad clown has.  A sad, alcoholic clown who lost a foot to diabetes and now his sad clown penis doesn’t work unless someone farts on him.

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