911 dispatch is the core of our law enforcement system, and it's helped billions of people over its 41-year existence. One major complaint from 911 operators, though, is that the service is so often under-utilized. People only call for really crazy things, like if a crime is taking place, but they don't seem to realize that 911 can be used to solve a wide range of common problems. Here are a few examples:
If You're Locked In a Car
For those of us who don't have to wear special rubber pants or drive a fancy wheelchair operated only by our mind, being locked inside of a car is an easy fix. Luckily, 911 is there for the rest of us.
If Time Is Being Warped
There's nothing worse than being dead, on the phone, and in a time vortex at the same time. And if you're super, super high at the same time? Forget about it. Don't worry: 911 will help you (get fired from your job).
If There Are Cows Nearby
Cows are the invisible killers of America's youth, except that they're not invisible and they rarely kill people. Nonetheless, if you ever see one standing around and doing nothing, it's your civic duty to report it immediately.
If You Hate Your Stupid Asshole Kid
You know how, whenever you see your own kids, you just want to murder them? Well, 911 is great for that type of situation.
If You're Old And Don't Understand How Things Work
911 is also useful for solving other mysteries, like "what's this strange liquid coming out of my sink?" and "how come when I push this button on the wall, the room gets really bright?"
If You Need a Date
Don't waste your money on online dating services and chat lines. Instead, you can just keep calling in with fake emergencies until an attractive, available police officer shows up at your doorstep.
If You Lost Your Juice
When there's something strange, in your neighborhood (like, say, missing orange juice), who you gonna call? No, not them. Just call the f*cking cops, man.
If You Have a Boner
I wonder how many times during the previous three days this guy picked up the phone, dialed 9-1, and then thought, "nah, I'll wait this huge, painful boner out. It'll probably be gone by the time they answer. Yep, any minute now..."
If You Need Some Chicken Nuggets
Not getting McNuggets in your paper sack when you were clearly expecting McNuggets could be considered a hate crime in some states. That's why it's perfectly acceptable to call 911 dispatch and have them send out the city's finest to diffuse the situation and hand out some cold, hard justice...and maybe some Polynesian sauce.
"It scares me to know there are people out there who are so stupid, and breading."
What scares me is people who scared of stupid people "breading". ROFL
I'm sorry. I fucked up when created this people. My job is too hard, so many details. I'm sorry for Sarah Palin too. But not for her tits. I put more time on those than on her brain.
The lady who called the cops trying to get a date was in Hillsboro, Oregon..... and the one right after it where the Hispanics are at the McDonald's, is in "Aloha", which isn't actually a real city, but the very outskirts of Hillsboro, Oregon...
Hillsboro is a melting pot of white trash, cheap labor, tweakers, and cops... LOTS of cops. It is where the Washington County Jail is located, and two blocks away is the Hillsboro Police Department.
I would love to bang bread with my 4 day boner. While being high on brownies, with the time going by really really slow, while being chased by killer cows and smashing a kid in the head with a hammer right before i stole orange juice from a mcdonalds that does have orange juice.
To the fake God who posted earlier I have some things to say to you.
1) Ever heard of blasphemy? No? How about Hell?
2) I have never "f*cked" up - That's why I am God. I may have taken that free will thing too far, but I did not f*ck up...OK, maybe once...That whole "anti-christ" person...what's his name? Oh yeah, Obama.
3) My job is not hard and there are not too many details, only too many jerks like you trying to pass themselves off as Me.
4)I am definitely NOT sorry for Sarah Palin. She is HOT! She is SMART! She is INDEPENDENT! Most importantly she is right! Plus her daughter is hot too. I would take them both right now in a 3 way if I wasn't GOD.
Twitter
December 10th, 2009 at 09:58 am
It scares me to know there are people out there who are so stupid, and breading.
December 10th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Hey Smart Guy Steve, It's "Breeding"
December 10th, 2009 at 10:41 am
I think Steve means that the breading on the chicken mcnuggets that he did not get scares him.
December 10th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I don't honestly think that post could have been more enjoyable.
But seriously, maybe he was really concerned people were baking bread incorrectly.
December 18th, 2009 at 02:00 pm
skairs me mor that thare r peeple out thare makin coments about dum peeple, win thay shood b lukin at a diktshunary...
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Thanks for giving me a good laugh on my lunch hour - I mean the comments not the calls.
December 10th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Second!
December 10th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Grats on the second!
P.S. - I hate you.
December 10th, 2009 at 10:11 am
"It scares me to know there are people out there who are so stupid, and breading."
What scares me is people who scared of stupid people "breading". ROFL
December 14th, 2009 at 06:24 am
What scares me ARE people who ARE scared of stupid people "breading". ROFL = TWAT
December 10th, 2009 at 10:30 am
i fucking hate it when people bread
December 10th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I like bread! And the whole process of making it myself as well.
December 10th, 2009 at 01:05 pm
the best part is that your name is PB(&)J
December 10th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I'm sorry. I fucked up when created this people. My job is too hard, so many details. I'm sorry for Sarah Palin too. But not for her tits. I put more time on those than on her brain.
December 10th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
well, if God is this stupid, then that explains a lot....
December 10th, 2009 at 02:09 pm
You are a liar.
December 10th, 2009 at 10:48 am
The high cop call was hilarious. I saw that on Bill O'Reilly a little bit back.
December 10th, 2009 at 02:08 pm
Good stuff!
December 10th, 2009 at 04:32 pm
I picked a bad day to quit eating pot brownies and calling 911.
December 10th, 2009 at 06:01 pm
Stupid people who "bread" piss me off.
December 10th, 2009 at 06:20 pm
Those fuckin cows have got to go. They murdered my neighbor and raped him (in that order).
December 11th, 2009 at 09:04 pm
Wow dude that is just too cool!
RT
www.online-privacy.th.tc
December 12th, 2009 at 12:14 am
This just goes to show you that God has a sense of humor.
December 12th, 2009 at 04:44 am
The lady who called the cops trying to get a date was in Hillsboro, Oregon..... and the one right after it where the Hispanics are at the McDonald's, is in "Aloha", which isn't actually a real city, but the very outskirts of Hillsboro, Oregon...
Hillsboro is a melting pot of white trash, cheap labor, tweakers, and cops... LOTS of cops. It is where the Washington County Jail is located, and two blocks away is the Hillsboro Police Department.
December 12th, 2009 at 07:05 am
I would love to bang bread with my 4 day boner. While being high on brownies, with the time going by really really slow, while being chased by killer cows and smashing a kid in the head with a hammer right before i stole orange juice from a mcdonalds that does have orange juice.
December 29th, 2009 at 07:50 am
haha i just farted at work
December 31st, 2009 at 09:21 pm
To the fake God who posted earlier I have some things to say to you.
1) Ever heard of blasphemy? No? How about Hell?
2) I have never "f*cked" up - That's why I am God. I may have taken that free will thing too far, but I did not f*ck up...OK, maybe once...That whole "anti-christ" person...what's his name? Oh yeah, Obama.
3) My job is not hard and there are not too many details, only too many jerks like you trying to pass themselves off as Me.
4)I am definitely NOT sorry for Sarah Palin. She is HOT! She is SMART! She is INDEPENDENT! Most importantly she is right! Plus her daughter is hot too. I would take them both right now in a 3 way if I wasn't GOD.
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