911 dispatch is the core of our law enforcement
system, and it’s helped billions of people over its 41-year existence. One major complaint from 911 operators, though, is that the service is so often under-utilized. People only call for really crazy
things, like if a crime is taking place, but they don’t seem to realize that 911 can be used to solve a wide range of common problems
. Here are a few examples:
If You’re Locked In a Car
For those of us who don’t have to wear special rubber pants or drive a fancy wheelchair operated only by our mind, being locked inside of a car is an easy fix. Luckily, 911 is there for the rest of us.
If Time Is Being Warped
There’s nothing worse than being dead, on the phone, and in a time vortex at the same time. And if you’re super, super high
at the same time? Forget about it. Don’t worry: 911 will help you (get fired from your job).
If There Are Cows Nearby
Cows are the invisible
killers of America’s youth, except that they’re not invisible and they rarely kill people. Nonetheless, if you ever see one standing around and doing nothing, it’s your civic duty to report it immediately.
If You Hate Your Stupid Asshole Kid
You know how, whenever you see your own kids, you just want to murder them? Well, 911 is great for that type of situation.
If You’re Old And Don’t Understand How Things Work
911 is also useful for solving other mysteries, like "what’s this strange liquid coming out of my sink?" and "how come when I push this button on the wall, the room gets really bright?"
If You Need a Date
Don’t waste your money on online dating services and chat lines. Instead, you can just keep calling in with fake emergencies until an attractive, available police officer shows up at your doorstep.
If You Lost Your Juice
When there’s something strange, in your neighborhood (like, say, missing orange juice), who you gonna call? No, not them. Just call the f*cking cops, man.
If You Have a Boner
I wonder how many times during the previous three days this guy picked up the phone, dialed 9-1, and then thought, "nah, I’ll wait this huge, painful boner out. It’ll probably be gone by the time they answer. Yep, any minute now…"
If You Need Some Chicken Nuggets
Not getting McNuggets in your paper sack when you were clearly expecting McNuggets could be considered a hate crime in some states
. That’s why it’s perfectly acceptable to call 911 dispatch and have them send out the city’s finest to diffuse the situation and hand out some cold, hard justice…and maybe some Polynesian sauce.