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9 Funny 911 Calls

911 dispatch is the core of our law enforcement system, and it’s helped billions of people over its 41-year existence. One major complaint from 911 operators, though, is that the service is so often under-utilized.  People only call for really crazy things, like if a crime is taking place, but they don’t seem to realize that 911 can be used to solve a wide range of common problems.  Here are a few examples:
If You’re Locked In a Car
For those of us who don’t have to wear special rubber pants or drive a fancy wheelchair operated only by our mind, being locked inside of a car is an easy fix.  Luckily, 911 is there for the rest of us.
If Time Is Being Warped
There’s nothing worse than being dead, on the phone, and in a time vortex at the same time. And if you’re super, super high at the same time? Forget about it. Don’t worry: 911 will help you (get fired from your job).
If There Are Cows Nearby 
Cows are the invisible killers of America’s youth, except that they’re not invisible and they rarely kill people. Nonetheless, if you ever see one standing around and doing nothing, it’s your civic duty to report it immediately.

If You Hate Your Stupid Asshole Kid
You know how, whenever you see your own kids, you just want to murder them? Well, 911 is great for that type of situation.
If You’re Old And Don’t Understand How Things Work
911 is also useful for solving other mysteries, like "what’s this strange liquid coming out of my sink?" and "how come when I push this button on the wall, the room gets really bright?"
If You Need a Date
Don’t waste your money on online dating services and chat lines.  Instead, you can just keep calling in with fake emergencies until an attractive, available police officer shows up at your doorstep. 
If You Lost Your Juice
When there’s something strange, in your neighborhood (like, say, missing orange juice), who you gonna call? No, not them.  Just call the f*cking cops, man.
If You Have a Boner
I wonder how many times during the previous three days this guy picked up the phone, dialed 9-1, and then thought, "nah, I’ll wait this huge, painful boner out.  It’ll probably be gone by the time they answer. Yep, any minute now…"
If You Need Some Chicken Nuggets 
Not getting McNuggets in your paper sack when you were clearly expecting McNuggets could be considered a hate crime in some states.  That’s why it’s perfectly acceptable to call 911 dispatch and have them send out the city’s finest to diffuse the situation and hand out some cold, hard justice…and maybe some Polynesian sauce.

27 Responses to "9 Funny 911 Calls"

  1. John WOods says:

    Wow dude that is just too cool!



  2. pratik says:

    Those fuckin cows have got to go. They murdered my neighbor and raped him (in that order).

  3. 911 dispatcher says:

    haha i just farted at work

  4. HectorHips says:

    This just goes to show you that God has a sense of humor.

  5. T8r says:

    The lady who called the cops trying to get a date was in Hillsboro, Oregon….. and the one right after it where the Hispanics are at the McDonald’s, is in “Aloha”, which isn’t actually a real city, but the very outskirts of Hillsboro, Oregon…

    Hillsboro is a melting pot of white trash, cheap labor, tweakers, and cops… LOTS of cops. It is where the Washington County Jail is located, and two blocks away is the Hillsboro Police Department.

  6. 1.5' erected weener says:

    I would love to bang bread with my 4 day boner. While being high on brownies, with the time going by really really slow, while being chased by killer cows and smashing a kid in the head with a hammer right before i stole orange juice from a mcdonalds that does have orange juice.

  7. The Real God says:

    To the fake God who posted earlier I have some things to say to you.
    1) Ever heard of blasphemy? No? How about Hell?
    2) I have never “f*cked” up – That’s why I am God. I may have taken that free will thing too far, but I did not f*ck up…OK, maybe once…That whole “anti-christ” person…what’s his name? Oh yeah, Obama.
    3) My job is not hard and there are not too many details, only too many jerks like you trying to pass themselves off as Me.
    4)I am definitely NOT sorry for Sarah Palin. She is HOT! She is SMART! She is INDEPENDENT! Most importantly she is right! Plus her daughter is hot too. I would take them both right now in a 3 way if I wasn’t GOD.

  8. Anonymush says:

    Grats on the second!

    P.S. – I hate you.

  9. Second! says:


  10. Martin Riggs says:

    I picked a bad day to quit eating pot brownies and calling 911.

  11. Chicoson says:

    I don’t honestly think that post could have been more enjoyable.

    But seriously, maybe he was really concerned people were baking bread incorrectly.

  12. WhoMe Dontwannatell says:

    Thanks for giving me a good laugh on my lunch hour – I mean the comments not the calls.

  13. tea bagger says:

    skairs me mor that thare r peeple out thare makin coments about dum peeple, win thay shood b lukin at a diktshunary…

  14. Steve says:

    It scares me to know there are people out there who are so stupid, and breading.

  15. smart guy says:

    Hey Smart Guy Steve, It’s “Breeding”

  16. LaQuisha says:

    I think Steve means that the breading on the chicken mcnuggets that he did not get scares him.

  17. nerd says:

    well, if God is this stupid, then that explains a lot….

  18. Riggy Riggs says:

    You are a liar.

  19. God says:

    I’m sorry. I fucked up when created this people. My job is too hard, so many details. I’m sorry for Sarah Palin too. But not for her tits. I put more time on those than on her brain.

  20. musrum says:

    What scares me ARE people who ARE scared of stupid people “breading”. ROFL = TWAT

  21. Anony says:

    “It scares me to know there are people out there who are so stupid, and breading.”
    What scares me is people who scared of stupid people “breading”. ROFL

  22. Michael Bay's Cock Milk says:

    Stupid people who “bread” piss me off.

  23. office jerk says:

    the best part is that your name is PB(&)J

  24. PBJ says:

    i fucking hate it when people bread

  25. Breadmand says:

    I like bread! And the whole process of making it myself as well.

  26. Riggy Riggs says:

    Good stuff!

  27. The high cop call was hilarious. I saw that on Bill O’Reilly a little bit back.