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The 9 Lamest Sports Commentator’s Puns

For some reason, every sports commentator in the world feels the need to use a really lame sports pun for the title of his column or TV segment. Here are the 9 worst.
9. Dodds and Ends – Dennis Dodd
Is the title of this college football column supposed to be a pun on "Odds and Ends" or is it a pun on "Dennis Dodd discussing a sport with tight ends"? Either way, I think Dennis could’ve spent a little more time coming up with a title that sounds a little more sporting and a little less like my grandmother’s church newsletter.
8. Neutral Zone Wrap – Evan Berofsky
lame sports puns column analyst
Naming your hockey column after the defensive strategy that single-handedly made the sport eye-bleedingly boring and unwatchable from the mid 1990s on is like Chrysler naming one of their cars after the 1973 oil crisis. (FYI, you might want to think twice before you buy the new Dodge "Embargo".)
7. Young Is Restless – Steve Young
young is restless steve young football espn qb quarterback
There are two things wrong with the title of Steve Young’s segment on ESPN. First, it’s a play on a soap opera. And second, the only time I’ve ever seen Steve Young get so excited as to be referred to as "restless" was when I saw him sneeze once. Seriously, Stevie is blander than watered down skim milk.

6. Banks’ Shot – Don Banks
In the world of sports, the bank shot is about as exciting as the the intentional walk, the punt and anything that happens during a game of cricket. I would’ve gone with "Going, Going, Don," "The Don of Man," or "Achilles TenDon" personally.
5. Forde-Yard Dash – Pat Forde
lame sports puns forde yard dash
I wonder if Pat Forde started writing about college football just so he could use this pun on the forty-yard dash for his column. It’s almost too perfect. Something tells me if his name was Pat Muperbole, he might be writing about a different kind of football.
4. Mike’d Up – Mike Francesa
lame sports puns mike'd up
As a New Yorker, I like listening to Mike Francesa tell his callers how stupid they are, but "Mike’d Up" is only acceptable if it’s a show about someone named Mike on a cocaine binge. (I’m guessing that show will be on Fox before 2011.)
3. Football Phil-osophy – Phil Simms
lame sports puns phil simms football philosophy
This is probably what went through Phil Simms’ mind as he was trying to come up with the title for this segment on CBS:
"…let’s see here…Simms’ City? No, that’s not sports related. Phootball? Nah, I guess that doesn’t make much sense. Phil ‘Er Up? Gas prices are in the news now…hmm…probably needs to say something about football. Football UnPhiltered? That’s pretty awesome. I’ll ask the producers and see if they like that one…"
2. Hoop Du Jour – Peter Vecsey
lame sports puns peter vescey hoop du jour
Of course Peter Vescey, the self-important NBA commentator who takes his job of talking about guys putting a ball into a hole way to seriously, has to incorporate something you’d order at a fancy French restaurant into the title of his column. Was "Vesceyssoise" already taken?
1. Mayne Street – Kenny Mayne
lame sports puns kenny mayne
Kenny Mayne is one of the funniest ESPN anchors of all time ("Even for those of you who used us for background during sex, thanks for watching SportsCenter."), which makes it all the more sad that he settled on the laziest pun of them all for his new comedy series on ESPN.com. Was there a contest to see how lame of a title you could come up with? Next time just call it "Kenny’s short video program on the Internet that attempts to incorporate humor and sports. You will probably see many plugs for it on ESPN."

7 Responses to "The 9 Lamest Sports Commentator’s Puns"

  1. Tyler says:

    Forde-yard Dash rocks.

    the article always has a 40 theme…plus the Dashettes are as close to boobs as ESPN/Disney will go (which isn’t saying much, at all)

  2. Fedor says:
    is there a lame pun about Andrei "The Pit Bull" Arlovski??
  3. Pratik says:

    Wasn’t it Kenny Mayne who described Albert Belle’s ejection from a game as “thrown out faster than a drunk in the family seats”?

    Ehhh, could’ve been Dan Patrick. Not sure.

  4. Anonymous says:

    This is an incredibly stupid article. Most of those puns are pretty good (except the Phil Simms one).

  5. Baked Potato says:

    Kenny Mayne is most definitely the man though…I think we got a homer cause the pitcher said “Doh!” is one of his best lines.

  6. Bert McGert says:

    Phil Simms’, Phil-osophy is damn near unwatchable and Phil Simms is a horrible announcer just a step above Bryant Gumbel. I usually can’t watch the games on CBS because of him.

  7. Manbearpig says:

    Hey Bert McGert. I think it’s a foot race between Phil Simms and Dan Dierdorf for shit bag announcers. Is it me, or does Fox’s Kenny Albert (Marv’s kid) look like he has a mild case of Down’s??