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The 9 Most Annoying People at Starbucks

Starbucks is the best and worst place on the entire planet. On the one hand, they have more than enough delicious caffeine, whipped cream, and overpriced travel mugs to satisfy your early morning cravings. On the other hand, they’re usually a steaming hotbed of douchebaggery. Here are the 9 most annoying people you’ll run into at your local Starbucks:
 
The Regular
 
Y’know what’s awesome? When you walk into a Starbucks to find a line about thirty patrons deep, and then the person who gets in line behind you just shouts to their "friend" behind the counter: "Hey, Colby! I’m getting my usual!" Then, the line jumper spends the rest of his time trying to "just sneak in and pay real quick" so that he can avoid standing in line with all the other losers who don’t come to this particular Starbucks as often as he does, and therefore don’t deserve special service. If, by some miracle, the Starbucks employee forces The Regular to wait in line to pay like a normal person, then they still get their coffee way before anyone else does, and they get to stand there and enjoy their delicious morning beverage while everyone else is pulling their hair out in desperate need of their morning fix. This type of special treatment is just blatantly wrong, unless I’m getting the treatment, in which case I’m okay with it.
 
The Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker
 
At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn’t have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Wal-Mart Greeter who also takes your order. But, since anyone who’s over-qualified to be a Wal-Mart greeter is a Wal-Mart cashier, you end up having some G.E.D.-havin’ dumbass or an excruciatingly-lonely elderly woman force their brand of corporate chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your $4 coffee in peace, you have to deal with: "Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we’re having isn’t it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn’t that be nice? It’s sooooo sunny! And what’s better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Hi! WELCOME TO STARBUCKS!!! And how are you doing today?!?!"
 
The Kid
 

It’s been scientifically proven that if you give a thoroughbred horse a tall iced mocha right before a race, it will always win*. This is because of the massive and ungodly amounts of caffeine and sugar that are somehow contained within each Starbucks brand beverage. These drinks get you so wired that they should come with some kind of surgeon general’s warning on the side of the cup. Yet, somehow, people allow 8-year old kids, who are all ready hyperactive thanks to the addition of these Starbucks brand energy injections into their normal diet, to pound back Caramel Machiatos by the dozens on a daily basis. Remember the crazy fast zombies in 28 Days Later? Well, this is the first step to making them. Keep it up, humanity!
 
The Manager Who Refuses to Recognize Standard Sizes
 
I understand: you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You, Starbucks, are the one who’s chosen to be "different" by calling your sizes something other than what they are. If you insist on looking at me like I’m a retard speaking Chinese whenever I order a "small" coffee, then I’m going to insist that you give me change for a dollar with "3 twinklies, 3 chartruse bubblebunnies, and a dragonplumber". Deal with it.
 

The Complicated Order Guy

 
When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam", you just drink a glass of water. They can make that pretty quickly, so you won’t have to pace around in front of the pick up counter like a starving circus lion at lunch time. The best part about it: last I checked, a glass of water won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety (unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana).
 

The Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office

 
 
Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. "Yeah, I’m gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot…and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?" Then, instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he painstakingly inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You’re better off flying to Colombia, slitting Juan Valdez’s throat and stealing his invasive, coffee-harvesting burro.
 
The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer 
 
Being a writer is a pretty cool (albeit thrifty) occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. However, feeling the need to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their brand new powerbook, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of Final Draft. After they get their overly-elaborate morning beverage, they’ll sit at a table and stare at their computer screen, taking deep breaths, suggesting an intense and creative thought process that normal minds are not capable of. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people? The most important thing is that you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!
 
The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day
 
 
Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world’s biggest bore and the world’s biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-shithead. He won’t shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they’re taking over the world and how their coffee totally "doesn’t taste like the gourmet stuff downtown." But when you bring up the fact that he’s ranting about Starbucks while he’s actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. "Well, here’s the thing, I just didn’t have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I totally can’t stand that I have to come here, but that’s what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you! They’re everywhere!  Can you grab me a handful of Splenda?"
 
The Study Group
 
 
Screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to have your 20-person study session in an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every f*cking thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over the frappucino machine. Would you hold a study group session in a Turkish prison? Because Starbucks is basically the same thing, except with less gay sex, and a little bit better coffee.
 
* not true

83 Responses to "The 9 Most Annoying People at Starbucks"

  1. Battleman! says:

    Anyone up for some COD4?

  2. ForzaPalermo says:

    You forgot the customer at the drive through that is too lazy to go to the walk-up window to order their four custom drinks and food that needs to be heated up. Fcuks up the whole rest of the line.

  3. Daniel.W says:

    Oh shit… you got me there… i’m jealous because a mid-40 year old bible humper has more game at annoying underage high school girls about Christ.. G’damn….

    Dipshit.

  4. the OG Anonymous says:

    dude looks gay to me

  5. Slightly Anonymous says:

    Hey…these folks look mighty familiar!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XawJcXTQNk

  6. Guillermo says:

    Ok, that ¨water from Tijuana¨ comment, if it was just a joke, alright, but don´t go spreading that lie around if you were actually serious. You just don´t drink water from the tap in Mexico, it´s common knowledge, it´s always been like that here (I live in Tijuana, btw). Bottled water is what you drink here, no one uses tap water for drinking, you´d have to be seriously damaged in the head to do that. So, remember that, please.

  7. map says:

    at least they’re not afraid to talk to the ladies….unlike yourself who wants to shove Bibles up asses cause the Christian has more game than you..LOL

  8. gernblanston says:

    a) not terrible funny b) don’t recognize any of these ‘types’.

  9. Anonylicious says:

    Yes, these are engineers measuring the impact of self-generated tectonic waves. Also conducting a cost-benefit analysis of loving the cock. True story.

  10. Smackfish says:

    You forgot the “DEVOTEE” This a**hole stands in line and jabbers on about how much they love their Starbucks and can’t live with out it. They have the travel mug as well as know and use the stupid, idiot lingo of the ‘tard manager. They have tried every drink in every combination. They don’t see it as anywhere near stupid that they are paying Starbucks three times the amount of money for a CUP of coffee what they pay Exxon for a gallon of gas. This douche probably has half the crap CDs the place sells and knows what the jerk-off writer’s book is about.

  11. anónimo says:

    actually, feel free to hate on these peeps. they are toolbags. and not like the small tool kits your dad has lying around in the basement.

    i’m talking full on home depot warehouse level toolbags.

  12. Baja says:

    YES! Cup of real coffee in Italy–60 cents.
    Burnt rubber fake stupid wait-on-line sugary milkshake 5.00 and thirty minutes of yr life.

  13. anonymous2 says:

    hey those kids go to one of the most prestigious science institutions in the country! they’re mad smart, don’t hate ;)

    funny article though

  14. Anon5 says:

    Powerbook was discontinued; therefore, it cannot be brand new. Ever. FACE.

  15. Not an Actual Barista says:

    You also forgot Peter King. The guy thinks that he discovered coffee I’m pretty sure, and since he did (and since he writes for a leading sports publication) that we all care about his “coffee thoughts.” Hey Peter, I’m an adult, and perfectly capable of determining what I like and don’t like in a beverage. What a pretentious jerk.

  16. Lance says:

    Disagree on one of these:

    The only reason to go to Starbucks is that they fill complicated orders.

    If you only want a cup of black coffee, go to effin’ 7-11, where the coffee is way cheaper and better.

    The only reason to go to Starbucks is that they’ll make a decaf soy latte. Any convenience store and most gas stations are good enough if all you want is “coffee.”

  17. perspective says:

    Go somewhere else A-hole. You are the guy who complains and goes there anyway LMFAO!

  18. dunkin sux says:

    Dunkin Donuts coffee tastes like ass and the staff pick their noses before they give you a donut!

  19. Annoyed says:

    I hate that guy when he comes into my business. He is so impotent (oops I meant important) and distracted by his soooo impotent phone call that he is rude tells me to wait while he talks then blurts out his business as though I am his personal slave. Cell phone guy GTFO!

  20. A Non Y Mous says:

    you forgot one key person: the person that refers to coffee as “joe”.

  21. Trent says:

    Dunkin Donuts…nuff said.

  22. geoff says:

    This article implies that there are also people at starbucks who ARENT annoying. it shouldve just been, the most annoying people at starbucks:anyone who goes. i dont think ive met anyone who goes there are a regular basis that doesnt have less than average intelligence and/or common sense. either that or they have image problems and need to go to be seen.

  23. Neil Diamond says:

    What’s the most you ever lost in a coin toss, FREDDO?!

  24. Other Anonymous Student says:

    As one of the other people in that study group picture, I’ve spent enough time in a Starbucks to know that the three of us are definitely the least annoying. And in general, most of the people who are there to study by themselves are not that annoying. They’re there because school libraries either a) are depressing, b) make you feel like a tool/nerd, or c) doesn’t serve Starbucks coffee.

    It’s the people who are there to have really loud phone conversations while doing stuff on two laptops at once and thereby taking up multiple tables/chairs, who are so loud that they’re impossible to drown out even with headphones in, THOSE are the annoying ones.

    Also, screw poly sci. We’re engineers. :P

  25. sera says:

    How about “The Barista Who Forgets to Make Your Drink and Then Screws it Up Every Time Anyways Even Though it’s Only a Grande Chai”?

  26. Cowboy says:

    …and with that comment “Anonymous Student” just proved that there is more gay sex resulting from Starbucks than Turkish prisons.

  27. again? says:

    You guys were thinking of the WWII Navajo code talkers in the starbucks manager section.

  28. Anonymous Student says:

    Hey, I’m the guy up front in your “study group” picture! FYI… we weren’t actually a study group.

    And Poly Sci is LAME – why would we ever study that?

  29. Actual Barista Who Hates Making The Drinks for you Fools. says:

    As much as i hate working there, its funny how when tv shows/articles try to make a drink complicated by saying mocha this, with shot that, blah blah blah….

    Seriously do some research when you make your “mock complicated drinks”. There’s no such thing as a non-fat, soy drink.

  30. Chicoson says:

    What is this “internet” you speak of? This is just a series of tubes delivering articles across the country for extensive peer review and complete APA style citations in hopes of publication in International Starbucks Journal, right?

    No, that’s not what we have here? Just a website that makes people laugh (even on reposts)? Dear God, quickly someone try to ruin it for everyone!

    Sorry everyone below this guy, he beat you to the punch.

    P.S.: my two words were “aborting Monday”: I couldn’t agree more.

  31. Anonymous! says:

    I’m willing to bet that more gay sex occurs as a result of Starbucks than Turkish prisons….

  32. Anonymo says:

    This is how Internet works.

  33. Anonymous says:

    “Starbucks is the best and worst place on the entire planet.” It really just seems like the worst. You guys aren’t much better though.

    So what is the strategy for producing content at holytaco.com? Come up with tired unoriginal critiques on how Starbucks sucks and then take some images from personal websites and facebook without crediting any photographer or asking their permission?

  34. Anonymou says:

    What about the guy having a cell phone conversation while making his order? Hate that guy!

  35. Daniel.W says:

    Why not the religious group that talks about the bible so that everyone can hear, then after they’re done, at least one of them tends to go find some young female to talk about Christ…

    I see that shit all the time, and having to hear them harass someone who isn’t interested, makes me want to shove their bible up their ass.

  36. Raoul Duke says:

    Did you mention all the people who go there and think they own the place and god forbid if you sit in the chair they want, this is a free country right!! Don’t even tell me about the bathroom issues!!! Coffee is a diretic !!!!

  37. Anonymous student's acquaintence says:

    hahaha WAD UP FREDDO

  38. Spirk says:

    You guys forgot the “I know everything about coffee” teenager who thinks its the coolest thing in the world to know so much about coffee.

  39. map says:

    Here’s one…How bout the 40 yo virgin who sits in said coffee shop…. has watched the same girl come into the coffee shop every morning…plans his jobless morning around same girl coming in everyday…gets pissed when another man talks to HIS girl, because for the last year he didn’t have the cajones to do it…Hey that’s you!
    I see you signed your last post. Go figure.

  40. Daniel.W says:

    you put too much effort into your insults… nice try tho.

  41. liketheicedlemoncake says:

    How about the lady fixing the drink behind the counter? Even though you are standing right in front of her she walks the drink alllll tthheee wwwwaaayyyy to the other end of the bar, sets it down then yells AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGSSS…. “CARAMEL FRAPACHINO ON THE BAR” even though you are the only other person in the place. Yes brunette in Athens, Ga. you know who you are!

  42. EmoShowgirl says:

    It’s so sad that I recognize myself in the overly happy order taker position. At my work place we are required to be so over the top friendly that it makes me want to shoot myself. I must occasionally commit murder in my mind just to keep my sanity.

  43. starbucks barista says:

    I work at starbucks and this list is hilarious regardless who posted it first. You guys forgot the most annoying customer of all time. The At MY STARBUCKS THEY MAKE IT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME AND USUALLY I GET CHARGED HALF THAT PRICE. Great for you. I am happy you love “your” starbucks. If you love it that much, get the hell out of my store and go back to yours, because I really don’t give a shit what they do at “your” starbucks. Your at mine.

  44. Coffee Sense says:

    For someone who makes the argument coffee should be simple, you sure are flowery in your writing. Coffee is not coffee, there are many ways to drink it and most of them are older than the way you like yours. You should be a little more open minded. Also, the best you could come up with for you muffler analogy was a camaro? That may explain why you are drinking motor oil and calling it coffee :)

  45. Creinauer says:

    Starbucks virgins. Really? I thought I’d heard everything prior to that comment, but that one cocked an incredulous eyebrow. Starbucks Nation should do us all a favour and close it’s borders so we don’t have to deal with you coming into our coffee houses and whining about the lack of choice and you don’t have to be bothered by people who are curious about the manufactured, “gourmet” experience. Further to that point, if you have to tart up your coffee with pretentious names, whipped cream, caramel drizzle, and “just a sprinkle” of freshly grated cinnamon then you have bigger problems in life. Doing that to coffee (black, delicious, 100% Arabica coffee) is like putting a trick muffler on a Honda Civic. Sure, it’s all chromey and loud, but it’s not a Camaro. Coffee is coffee. It comes in a pot and it’s poured in a cup. Sugar and cream/milk is optional and you put that in yourself.

    Starbucks knobs.

  46. tekla says:

    well i still agree with coffeegal. ive seen a lot of people like that when i travel to different contries. they are the annoying starbucks virgin.

  47. Londoner says:

    LOL. I agree with Twunt

  48. Twunt says:

    You’re right. Nobody has ever had a first time in Starbucks. It is now a genetic trait to know proper coffee protocol. Non coffee drinkers are just retarded if they ever decide to finally venture into the ridiculous, overly-complicated store. Wake up.

  49. CoffeeGal says:

    You forgot “Time Machine Victim” otherwise known as the person who has apparently never set foot in a Starbucks before and goes during morning rush hour and is just bowled over by the choices and various options “So what is a mocha again? Do you have a small sized? Now where do I go to pick that up? Do I just stand here? In the middle of everyone?”

  50. Creinauer says:

    “There are many ways to drink [coffee] and most of them are older than the way you like yours.” Really? Older than coffee? I want you to think about what you said. Older than plain, black coffee? *Older* than pouring hot water through roasted, ground up beans? Really?

    As for your observation that my writing is flowery, that’s probably how it might appear to someone just coming off picture books. :)

  51. steve says:

    i have never been nor do i plan on ever being in a starbucks….

    closest i ever come near one is the one in a target store….

  52. Anon 1 says:

    Quite ironic to read this article. #1 just happened to me a few minutes ago and I was wondering what the.

  53. Robby says:

    Hey Joe Dirt!!!

    “You crying boy? You cryin boy? Maybe we’ll go down to McDonald’s and get you a wha-burger and some french cries. How about a whine-eken? You little, sissy boy. Def Leppard sucks!”

  54. justin says:
    I have a powerbook!
  55. Webders says:

    Um, hate to break it to you, but I found a very similiar article here.

    http://www.myhumors99.com/2009/05/8-types-of-annoying-people-youll-find.html

  56. justin says:
    We’re professional writers so we don’t plagiarize, but if you feel like you’ve seen it before, that’s because you have. This was originally posted on HT on (I think) 5/21/08.
  57. billysnortscoke says:

    this was plagiarized from cracked.com

  58. corey trevor says:

    starbucks must have been closed so you couldn’t write any original content

  59. Gotcha! says:

    yeah you’re right, they really did plagiarize almost the entire article! All of the phrasing/text in this article is nearly identical to the one on the MyHumors99 site, and the MyHumors99 article was published on May 7th, 2009. This one was posted on April 27th, 2010… Do the math, and admit that you stole this article, Justin!

    (Although I admit that it’s possible that the other site could have plagiarized it from you first if you really did originally publish it in May of 2008… but until I see that article/a link to it, I agree with Webders.)

  60. Mateo says:

    Well aren’t all these sites (Holy Taco, Cracked, etc.) just written by a bunch of freelancers anyways? I read an article that said they pay writers a couple hundred bucks for these, knowing that they’ll be all over Digg and stuff. Good for this guy, he got his 200 and HolyTaco got their clicks.

  61. ogmudbone says:

    yeah this was on cracked a while back

  62. Skudoosh says:

    Sounds like you haven’t gotten laid in years.

  63. bored says:

    well them calling the writers laptop a ‘powerbook’ is a hint since there havent been powerbooks for years.

  64. Joe Dirt says:

    1st time in ages somebody hasnt ranted about being first…
    give this guy a prize

  65. The Mighty Gonad says:

    damn right, repost or article steal… good job taco

  66. Skudoosh says:

    … i think iv read this before somewhere…

  67. BRITNEY $PEAR$ says:

    jfdikfojirkfdf FUCK HOLY TACO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – BRITNEY $PEAR$ I JUST BROKE OUTTA JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH IM GAY

  68. Rebecca Rose says:

    How I tell you how much I love you for this comment?

  69. Wondering says:

    Just wondering,if you saw this before, were there tons of grammatical errors and misspelled words? This ‘writer’ apparently failed summer school middle school English.
    As far as the ‘overly friendly cashier’ goes, would you prefer a surly grump?

  70. pratik says:

    I remember reading this a few years ago…

  71. - says:

    I hope John will design a funny personality for Justin. Some hair plugs, too.

  72. clubf00t says:

    john there’s alittle at the bottom of the screen, “contact” i suggest u click it

  73. justin says:
    Sure! I sent an email to John@theinternet.com. Did you get it?
  74. John says:

    Justin, can you get in contact with me regarding design work?

  75. John says:

    Sorry, I assumed your admin level account would reveal my email address to you. Well I know it does as a fact so I’m not sure if you were just trying to be an asshole or you really didn’t know.

  76. Blumpkin says:

    i still love you holy taco!!

    but coffee is for lametards!!

  77. STFU says:

    It’s not spelled with two t’s. Please learn English now.

  78. PRAHTEEK says:

    Or buy it at my uncle’s 7-11

  79. Gun-Tottin' Redneck says:

    We don’t go to Starbucks douche! We make our own damn coffee!

  80. Joe says:

    You forgot the gun-tottin’ rednecks…

  81. DonkeyXote says:

    You forgot the faggots that ask you inappropriate questions and such as: “How do you know if you’ve never tried?” to convert you to being a faggot. It works a third of the time people!

  82. Anonymouskh says:

    Maybe only if you’re dyslexic and you read “Strip Club for Boys” as “Starbucks”. Careful about the places you walk into, now.

  83. Jo Densen says:

    ROTFL, wow you hit that nail square on the head. Well done dude.

    Lou
    http://www.anon-vpn.se.tc