Drinks are delicious, but so is meat. No time for talk, on with the article!
The original dead thing beverage, Clamato is tomato juice that someone squeezed shellfish into. There’s no decent way to spin that, but it’s still remarkably popular in Caesars and other beverages that require some tomato and a hint of mollusk. How did it come to pass that someone felt drinking seafood would be a good idea? No idea, but there’s a good chance they were drinking something else first.
Tastes as Good As: Tongue kissing an oyster
Everyone likes cheeseburgers, that’s a fact. Before you list vegans and those who claim to not like cheeseburgers, note that, according to the UN, those people aren’t people, so technically I’m still right. Knowing this, it might seem reasonable (if you don’t think about it very hard) that a cheeseburger beverage would be awesome. That’s why someone invented one. Its impressive list of ingredients include rum, lettuce water, mustard powder, bread crumbs, tomato and beef. Dead cow beef.
Probably Tastes as Good As: Arby’s
Deer Penis Wine
This is the kind of product you hope has some manner of metaphorical name, but it’s pretty literal. It’s wine, and there’s deer junk in the bottle. To most of us this would raise some eyebrows, but according to a small but crazy number of Chinese people it’s a surefire cure for sports injuries. You know that old saying “When sporting injuries come near, get drunk on penis of deer?” No? Maybe it’s a regional thing. Anyway, this is some abysmally strong, paint-thinner quality wine with a severed wang in it just to add some kick.
Probably Tastes as Good As: Hot dog water
This isn’t really a martini, but its real name, “Bring Home the Bacon” was so stupid I refused to use it to title this entry. It’s a vodka drink with beef bouillon, garnished with a trio of meat-stuffed olives. It also looks like a bowl of hot sick.
Probably Tastes as Good As: A bowl of hot sick.
This was originally some manner of hilarious joke, because bacon + internet = funny (ask anyone). However, because anything that’s good enough to be a joke is good enough to be reality, there’s a video! Yay!
Basically this is just a European with an unsettlingly skinny can of Coke Zero jamming a strip of bacon inside and then drinking it. It’s anticlimactic and generally gross but it was a name brand and thus had some cache for this entry. Plus look how skinny that can is! Europe is whack.
Probably Tastes as Good As: Tab
Flavored vodkas are pretty old school at this point, and most of them are unremarkable. And yes, there’s bacon vodka too which we all know about at this point, but one dirty distiller in Alaska had to take it a step further up the meat food chain and tossing fish into their vodka. If the idea of salmon vodka isn’t appealing to you, it’s because you’re still saddled with a human soul.
Probably Tastes As Good As: the floor of a Russian Red Lobster
Tofurky and Gravy Soda
From the good people at Jones Soda comes a fake meat flavored beverage that we’ll acknowledge here for being the vegan alternative to a meat flavored drink, which is something even less than no one would ever dare ask for. Sure, Jones makes these drinks as kind of a joke and all, but we still want to give them credit for making this one so offputting and to take the chance to mock the word “tofurky.” If you want food to taste like meat so bad, just eat meat. Otherwise, be happy with the way pine cones taste all on their own. Also, why the hell doesn’t tofurky have an “e” in it?
Probably Tastes as Good As: Tofurky
Tropicana Cheesy Orange Juice
Remember how regular orange juice fails miserably in satisfying your thirst due to its lack of rare cheese flavor? So do the Japanese. In between fighting off Godzilla attacks and downplaying their nuclear disasters, they’re hard at work mixing cheddar and 51% orange juice for a thirst quencher sure to have you running to the bathroom with energetic joy and probably severe stomach cramping. Sure, it’s technically hard to make fun of Japan these days since pretty much everything on the market there is insane, but whatever. This is cheese juice. What up with that?
Probably Tastes As Good As: Waking up in Vegas, Hangover-style
Apple Flavored Horse Sperm
Topping wine infused with deer dink wasn’t easy, but New Zealand, perhaps high on its sense of self-worth after Lord of the Rings made it so popular, upped the ante by charging people to drink horse semen. It’s flavored with apple, apparently, because I guess it’d be gross otherwise or something, and it costs about $20 for 30ml. So there’s literally nothing good you can say about this. It’s overpriced apple semen. Everything in that sentence is crap because we all now apple is the worst of all fruit flavors to put in a drink and don’t kid yourself that it’s not.