There are a lot of "do and don’t"’s during a sexual encounter that most people have a very little trouble following. (i.e. – DO insert your penis, but DON’T sneeze during intercourse). But some people always seem to do something to screw the whole thing up. Here are 9 of those types of people.
The Over-Attentive Waiter
"How is everything? Good? Am I putting too much weight on you? Is this position okay? Did you make that noise because you didn’t like that? Or because you did like that? I’m confused. Is that bad? Is it good? Do you need some water?" It’s fantastic that you care so much about your partner’s enjoyment, but when you feel the need to check in every time you move your genitals, it starts to take a hot situation and make it feel like you’re a waiter trying to butter her up for a 20% tip because your rent is due tomorrow. Just check in every now and then, read body language, and if they want some dessert, they’ll order it.
The Cat Person
Here’s a complete list of things that cats give a shit about: other cats, and dangly objects. Therefore, they don’t give a shit that you’re sharing an intimate moment with someone of the opposite sex, they just want you to pay attention to them, so they start meowing or positioning themselves so that they’re the only thing you see. And even though you’re not bothered by a cat watching you while you’re doing some hardcore boning, your partner might be more than a little creeped out that Mittens decided to engage her in a staring contest where the first one to claw the other one’s eyes out wins.
The Person Who Answers Dirty Talk Hypothetical Questions With Serious Answers
Dirty talk is like playing in a coed softball league: it’s a fun activity, but if you take it too seriously, you look like a complete asshole. Durty talk questions are part of a fantasy that makes sex hotter. Therefore, when a woman asks you five times in a row "How do you make me so wet?", and you give a real-world answer, like "I dunno. It could be that I ate a pretty good breakfast today, so maybe that affected my body chemistry or something", then it completely kills the mood, even if you say it in your sexy voice.
The Guy Who Learned Everything From Early ’90′s Slow Jams
If you were boy born in the ’70′s, then you probably went through a phase of listening to "slow jams" by guys like Al B. Sure and Keith Sweat, whose songs consisted of them saying exactly what they were doing to a woman as they were doing it to her. But in real life, no woman wants to have some dude try to be all deep and stare her straight in the eyes while he says, "I’m laying you down on the bed that’s covered by the finest red roses by candlelight, drawing you a bath of organically-grown herbs to relieve you of the day’s tiring troubles. Now I’m performing an ancient love ritual of yoga body bends before rubbing my lotions all over your naked, quivering back." Women like romance, but they could do without the Joe Buck-style play-by-play before, during, and after sex.
The Person Who Doesn’t Turn Off Their Cell Phone
When you have an erect penis or a stimulated vagina, the last thing you want to hear is a midi version of Fleetwood Mac’s "Landslide". Cell phone rings are intended to get your attention. That’s their job. So leaving one on while you’re having sex is basically the same as bringing your mother into the room and asking her to scream "Hey! I have important news about your cousin, Kyle! He got into Brandeis!" over and over again while you try to reach orgasm, which you would never do (unless you’re German).
On the surface, a woman who’s totally into screaming sounds like a great sexual experience. But in actuality, it’s more terrifying than hot when you stick your penis inside of a vagina and she starts screaming like an injured hyena trying to locate its young. The only thing going through your mind will be "are the neighbors going to call the cops? Do they think I’m killing her? Is she faking? Is there something wrong with my dick? Is she enjoying this? Is she terrified? Are the cops about to kick in my door? Oh, god. Please shut up! I’m going to jail. Jesus Christ. I’m going to prison for attempted murder. Will you please just be quiet for a second?!"
Sex can be emotional, sure. But penises aren’t able to tell the difference between tears of joy and tears of sadness or intense fear, and those two emotions will kill a boner like they were trained to do so in a top secret CIA program. And if you’re a man and you start crying during sex, the first thing your lady is going to think is "a priest and/or uncle has been here before me." Pedophilia kills the mood for everyone…except for Pedophiles.
The Dave Matthews Fan
It’s great to create an atmosphere that’s conducive to love-making, but running over to your computer and tossing on your "Pussy Rock Jams 2007" playlist immediately makes your special lady feel like she’s at her junior prom and you’ve been waiting since the first grade to grab her tits. Plus, pussy rock is like Nazism: you either really like it, or you really don’t. If she happens to be one of the many people who don’t like it, then all she’s going to be thinking about is "how the f*ck can he like this shit music?", which will dry up her vagina faster than any shammy ever offered in infomercial history.
The Person Who Goes Straight for the Genitals
Vaginas are like your roommate’s Pringles: they’re meant to be shared, but never opened unless you ask first. Women are genetically engineered to have penises put inside of them. They want that. That’s why they’ve gotten naked in the same room as you. But jamming your hand down there immediately sends a message. It says: "I don’t care if you enjoy the sexual encounter that you’re about to be a part of." Surprisingly, women get kind of turned off when they realize that all you care about is spraying semen on them. It’s best to let her think that she’s getting some enjoyment out of this, too.