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11 People Who Should Be On ‘Dancing with the Stars’

Last night, “Dancing with the Stars” began its 11th season. Let’s put that in perspective. “Seinfeld” ran for nine seasons. “Arrested Development” barley made it three. “Andy Barker, P.I.” only made it four mother-loving episodes, but a show about a bunch of washed-up has-beens and a few never-weres dancing around like morons is still going strong after 11. Granted, they can pump out two seasons a year, but still, the success of this show is nothing short of obscene.

Who watches this show? More importantly, why? Who gives a good god damn if Bristol Palin can ballroom dance? We already know she can do the horizontal mambo. Michael Bolton, Margaret Cho, The Situation: I go out of my way to not see these people, yet last night they pulled in nearly 21 million viewers. What planet am I on?

Clearly, most guys would rather take a shovel to the face than watch this crap, which got us thinking: who would have to be on this show for it to be watchable? And with that, we came up with 11 people who should be on "Dancing with the Stars." If we missed anyone (besides our moms), let us know in the comment section.

David Hasselhoff

I hate “Dancing with the Stars,” but I like to give credit where credit is due. And someone deserves a boatload of credit for making this happen. David Hasselhoff has been a punchline for so long that he now transcends has-been status. He is a celebrity simply because he is a celebrity. He is everything that’s wrong with this country, and everything that’s right. He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end. Simply put, he’s The Hoff. Try and tell me you don’t want to watch him dance.

And besides, maybe he’ll go on a bender.

Ben Roethlisberger

Yeah, everyone loves golden-boy Kurt Warner, and by everyone I mean elderly, religious types. And I’m not knocking Kurt or his love for the J-man. For the record, he was a good QB, and his God is an awesome God. But watching Kurt Warner dance is about as exciting as watching Lindsay Lohan get wasted. Where’s the drama? He’ll do well, and win or lose, he’ll be gracious. He has to, or else he’ll go to hell.

Why not give “Big Ben” Roethlisberger a shot. He’s got a few weeks to kill. And since his last alleged assault went down at a college bar, he probably likes to dance. Besides, watching the dancer’s reaction when she gets paired up with Ben would be priceless. And for those of you concerned about her safety, just giver he a panic button, or something.

Michael Vick

If "Big Ben" is a little too “rapey” for middle America, why not give Michael Vick a shot? The thought of “Ron Mexico” himself doing a samba to “Who Let the Dogs Out” warms me to my core. And if you’re worried about offending the audience, I think every old lady with a lap dog will tune in just to root against him. That’s “Bad Newz” for the other networks.

John Mark Karr (a.k.a. Alexis Reich)

Best known as the weirdo who falsely confessed to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, Karr spends his time abusing women, looking at child porn, and hanging out in Thailand doing god knows what. Clearly, the world needs to see this guy dance. Did I say guy? I meant to say girl, since he now goes by Alexis Reich and takes hormones in order to live as a woman. Something tells me that he and Bruno Tonioli would hit it off quite nicely.

Joe Jackson

Sure, Michael Jackson might be dead, but luckily for us, we’ve still got the next best thing. More than any other person, Joe Jackson is responsible for molding Michael into the man he became. Of course by man, I mean deformed, hobgoblin, pederast man-child, but let’s not split hairs. Joe’s years of abuse might have made his son a tad unstable, but those vicious beatings are just as responsible for “Thriller,” so you have to take the good with the bad. Besides, it will be fun to watch Joe instinctively beat the other contestants with a “switch” when they mess up.

Lisa Nowak (a.k.a. The Crazy Diaper-Wearing Astronaut)

Last season, a heavily botoxed Buzz Aldrin disgraced his legacy and the space program with his stint on “Dancing with the Stars.” Why not trade one weird, diaper wearing astronaut for another?

Lisa Nowak might not have walked on the moon, but she has been in space. She’s also been in jail for allegedly trying to kidnap her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. Love makes people do crazy things, but the fact that she was rumored to have worn astronaut diapers on her way to the kidnapping is extra crazy, although it does speak volumes about her stamina and determination. Plus, those diapers will come in handy if she comes down with a bout of stage fright.

Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson should be on this list for obvious reasons. First of all, I’d love to see him dance to “If I Were a Rich Man,” from Fiddler on the Roof. Second, some of the outfits the female dancers wear can be quite provocative. Some might say they end up looking like a “pig in heat.” I, for one, would love to hear Mel’s thoughts on the matter, and I’m sure our next contestant would, as well…


Times are tough for DMX. Over the past ten years, he’s been in and out of prison for everything from car jacking to animal cruelty. Why a millionaire would have to resort to car jacking or animal cruelty is beyond be. Then again, I sincerely doubt that DMX is still a millionaire. But his loss is ABC’s gain, as I’m sure they could land the rapper on the show for a cool four figures. Tell me that’s not more fun than Donny friggen Osmond?

M. Night Shyamalan

“Dancing with the Stars” is a well known venue for waning stars looking to get back in the spotlight. And if there was ever a career on the down slide, it’s the career of M. Night Shyamalan. Considering I’m sitting in a bathrobe smelling my own farts as I write this, I hate to mock someone who has actually made something of himself. But sweet Shiva, is Shyamalan in trouble. He hasn’t had a critically acclaimed film since 2002 (and that’s being generous, since I’m not sure if Signs even qualifies). Critical reception isn’t everything, but it’s gotten so bad that the trailer for his latest effort, Devil, was reportedly booed at some theaters. Apparently, the producers themselves didn’t have much faith in the film, as it was not screened for critics. Maybe they just didn’t want people to know how awesome it was? At any rate, Shyamalan should cash in his “Dancing with the Stars” chip now, before he gets passed over for McG or Brett Ratner.

Faye Reagan

Faye Reagan isn’t exactly a household name, but if I had to guess, I’d say quite a few people with the “head of household” status know who she is, even if they won’t admit hit.

You see, Faye is what’s known in the business as an “adult entertainer.” Why should she be on the show? Because I love her with all my heart, that’s why. And if the films I’ve seen are any indication, Faye will talk Brooke Burke into a topless make-out session before the first commercial break.

I love you Faye! Email me at feedback@holytaco.com and ask for Jame. God bless you!

Stephen Hawking

The Christian Right has had plenty of representation on “Dancing with the Stars.” This year alone, they’ve got both Kurt Warner and Bristol Palin. Why not give secular atheists their equal time? And who better to represent them than the smartest man in the world, Stephen Hawking? Yeah, he can’t exactly walk. But he can’t talk either, and everyone still knows his “vocie.” Give him a few moments to think up the schematics for a dancing-robo exoskeleton, and he’ll be doing the the worm in no time.

6 Responses to "11 People Who Should Be On ‘Dancing with the Stars’"

  1. Jo Manny says:

    Steven Hawking? That would be interesting.


  2. wut? says:

    +1 on the Faye Reagan one, I am starting a petition to put her on the show!, hell maybe she’ll keep the show interesting by not wearing any panties, lets see the censors try to blur 10+ twirls!

  3. Cleanse Body says:

    Hoff has got my vote all season long.


    David Hasselhoff is on the show already but ill let you off the hook just beacuse of the picture of the day
    shes like a nija expect almost naked or a jedi yaaa a almost naked jedi ninja

  5. Jame Gumb says:
    Yeah, I know he is, that’s why I’m "giving them credit where credit is due." READ!