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9 Real-Life Levels of Hell

Dante’s Inferno took us through the 9 levels of hell when you die, but we think there are plenty of hellish places you can find yourself in when you’re alive.  Here are the 9 levels of hell that you’ve probably encountered at some time in your life.
 
LEVEL 1: Jiffy Lube Waiting Room
 
 
At first glance, the Jiffy Lube waiting room seems down-trodden, but normal.  It has all of the common elements of any other waiting room: magazines, a television set, coffee, donuts, and even a little candy machine.  However, upon further investigation, you’ll quickly discover that the Jiffy Lube waiting room somehow contains the absolute worst of all of these things.  The magazines are from 2002, and half the pages are torn out.  The television set somehow always has terrible reception, and is stuck on Spanish soap operas because the channel buttons are broken.  The coffee is cold, the donut box is empty, and the candy machine is half filled with Mike & Ike’s, and half-filled with the dead bugs who ate the rest of the Mike & Ike’s.  But wait, it gets worse: at the end of all of this, a guy with half of your education is going to rip you off, and then present you with a receipt from a printer that was built before cocaine became popular.
 
LEVEL 2: Open Mic Night At A Coffee Shop
 
 
Usually you’ve been invited to this level of hell by someone you work with, or one of your girlfriend’s friends.  There’s nine people in the audience, yet somehow the person you came to see is 64th on the list to go up.  After sitting through eleven different performances of John Lennon’s “Imagine,”  all of which were prefaced with a five minute talk about when they came across a homeless person/dog/child that looked “disenchanted”, the person you came to see comes up.  Then he or she plays an original song they wrote, the lyrics of which read like the opening credits theme to Full House.   Then, after they’ve finished, you can’t just leave, because they wants to “have a cup of coffee” with you, even though by this point it’s 11:45 p.m. and you’d rather not ingest something that’s going to keep you up for four more hours and cause you to shit out the nine maple scones you ate while trying to pass the time before his performance. 
 
LEVEL 3: A One-Year-Old’s Birthday Party
 
 

Walking into a one-year-old’s birthday party is like walking into a really bad acid trip. There’s colorful shit all over the walls, everyone’s speaking in disturbingly high voices and time slows to a crawl. Then, as you stand there, you have to pretend that you’re really excited for the gurgling, snotting “special little guy” who has no idea why someone is shoving a flaming cake in his face or forcing him to wear a hat. Having a birthday party for a one-year-old is like having a birthday party for a chair or an amoeba. Yet, you have to paste a fake smile across your lips every time someone says, “Let’s all take another photo of the amoeba!”
 
LEVEL 4: A Denny’s Restaurant Near A High School Right After A School Play Ends
 
 
Drama kids are the most annoying people in any school environment, but few things are worse than 30 high school drama kids hopped up on post-performance adrenaline, teenage hormones, and Moon’s Over My Hammy.  Most of these loud, obnoxious adolescent thespians will still be sporting a thick layer of stage make-up to let everyone know that they were just in a play, and if that’s not a clear enough signal, they’ll be sure to constantly scream lines from Pygmalion, or West Side Story, or whatever other shit-ass play they just stumbled through. You’re eating at Denny’s, so your meal is not going to be that great to begin with, but these cracked-out drama kids are sure to make your dining experience a living hell.
 
LEVEL 5: Kinkos

No matter what you need to get done at Kinkos, if you ask an employee for help, he’ll take a simple process and explain it to you like he’s trying to recount the plot to Mullholand Drive.  “Okay so first, you go to the color printer, no wait, first you grab the copy key, then there’s this part where you take your jump drive and…okay, before that part though, there’s this other part that’s really important where…hmm, maybe I have that backwards.”  Then after you finally figure out what machine you have to use, it sends to a printer that apparently doesn’t exist, nor has ever, yet the Kinko’s guy is sure he’s seen it before.  It’s like the Sixth Sense, except replacing Bruce Willis with a HP laser jet, and Haley Joel Osment with a 27-year-old guy who’s probably tried on several occasions to overdose on marijuana.
 
LEVEL 6: Emergency Room At 1 A.M.
 
You’re sitting next to ten people, all of whom look like they’ve caught whatever that monkey in Outbreak had.  The whole place smells like someone threw a bucket of bleach on top of a pile of baby shit.  Then every ten minutes, a nurse comes out and calls the name of someone you’re almost POSITIVE sat down five minutes ago.  Meanwhile the guy vomiting next to you has filled up his barf bag and set it down between you and he, even though there’s no one sitting on the other side of him.  You try and sleep, but the chair you’re sitting in was apparently used in Guantanamo Bay to torture Al Qaeda members into giving up Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts.  Finally, the night ends at six in the morning, when you get seen, then are informed that your insurance doesn’t cover this exact location, and you’re going to have to pay through the ass.
 
LEVEL 7: Dinner With Two People Who Want To Get Divorced
 
 
Have you ever noticed how mashed potatoes can instantly remind you of how much you hate your spouse?  If you have, then that probably means you desperately want to get a divorce, but can’t afford to.  Somehow every single element of life reminds these people that they hate each other. Subtle complaints about the green beans or the silverware quickly lead to harsh, quippy remarks on sexual performance, followed by a long, uncomfortable silence.  Don’t bother trying to change the conversation, because as soon as anyone says anything, they’ll both go back to an argument that they were having long before you even showed up.  Eventually, one of them will leave the table and the other one will complain in a hushed tone to you about why they hate their spouse, and what financial woes are troubling them. If you’re thinking you can just leave, forget it.  No matter how awkward it gets, they will never let you leave.  You’re trapped in this hell for the entire night.
 
LEVEL 8: A Gas Station Bathroom When You Have to Shit 

Upon first entering the eighth level of hell, you’re actually in awe. And then the fear sets in. How is there shit smeared on top of other forms of shit? Why is there a human leg in the corner?
Is that a bucket of custard? As you attempt to relieve yourself, the only thing you can do is spread your legs as far as they will go so no fleshly parts of your body touch the stained, beige, cracked toilet “seat.” When you’re finished with shitting, you then realize (a little too late, I might add) that you’re now forced to wipe your own asshole with what can only be described as “mushroom sand paper.” It’s not absorbent, it’s rough enough to draw blood and there appears to be some small civilization living on its surface. The fact that you now probably have AIDS doesn’t help, either.
 
LEVEL 9: Florida

 
 

There are four types of people you will encounter in Florida. 1) Proudly uneducated toothless rednecks who think they’ve “made it” because they parked their trailer “in a place that has warm all the time.” 2.) Fat, jackass Midwestern tourists in cut-off jeans who think spending two weeks of their vacation eating fried shrimp at an Orlando Red Lobster qualifies as some sort of exotic luxury. 3.) Walking, wrinkled corpses who are somehow still given driver’s licenses…and actually drive cars despite their half-inch cataracts and non-existent motor skills. And 4) Everyone who lives in Miami (snobby club sluts, Cubans who won’t shut up about Cuban politics, South Beach Guido douchebags etc.) If you ever find yourself in the Ninth Level of Hell (aka, Florida), you should probably just kill yourself. Or go to the nearest airport and take the first flight out of there. Whichever is faster.
 

52 Responses to "9 Real-Life Levels of Hell"

  1. stuck in hell says:

    florida has other people in it too.
    ever heard of a native floridian?
    we are still here, and we would very much like if those four groups you mentioned would kindly leave,and take the new jersey transplants with you. you can drop them off in georgia, those guys will treat ‘em real nice.

    because, yeah, they do make4 it hell here. my work is 10 miles away, with a posted speed of 45 miles an hour, only 2 lights, and it still takes me an hour to get there.

  2. Drunkenfetus says:

    WOW! Way to recycle yet another article fucking lazy ass loser douchebags

  3. Lazy Amerikan duche says:

    vacation in kina?

  4. Colin says:

    No you’re wrong. Its only a stereotype if it isn’t true. It IS NOT a stereotype. Hahahaha. Whoever wrote this nailed it on the head with Flori-duh.

  5. Minnesconsin says:

    Here’s one for ya! Going black friday shopping(ur a guy) with a group of women during one of those midnight shopping things at a mall.

  6. Bigdogdaddy says:

    Sounds like someone has had a bad experience down here in Florida. What happened? What did you do? Try to pick up a hooker and run up on some dick? That could happen to anybody, anywhere. Shame on you! Florida is a great place.

  7. bullshigat says:

    Fucking Cuban politics! Amirite???
    I just don’t care man, stop talking to me about Castro. Also, I don’t like Cuban food, and Cuban people get so offended when they find out. Like beans and rice is some kind of gastronomic masterpiece that should be appreciated as an art form.

  8. eddiedk says:

    I only have one thing to say stop winning and complaining.
    hell is if you times that by 1000 you still wouldn’t be close to what hell is like
    so if you don’t like the place go somewhere else like heaven for instance.
    and realize that if they have no customers they will close down

  9. AnonymousStill says:

    Again, same as last time. If Florida is the 9th level of hell, what kind of sewage filled abyss would you classify California, New Jersey, and New York as? 42nd layer of hell?

  10. Anonymous1223455 says:

    Really, Florida? Really? Not all people in Florida are like that. That is a horrible stereo-type. Haters hate no matter what anyone tells them; but I’m a girl born in Chicago, but I live in Florida. I’m not a guido, or an old maid, or some snobby skank.
    I could actually say the same principles work for New York, or any populated place. LA, NY, TX, FL, they all have their own stereo-types. Why does FL have to be so bad?

  11. Batman (has already been taken) says:

    TOO.

    MUCH.

    STUPID!

  12. PussInBoots says:

    No nick is safe now during DonkeyXote’s reign!

    It’s fucking anarchy I tell ya, ANARCHY!!

  13. your mind on drugs says:

    oooooolllllllllllllddddddddddd

  14. really? says:

    not defending the piece but I think “a place that has warm all the time” was the joke, because a floridian hick would say it like that. So I’m going to go with no pwn. Also, pwn is fucking retarded.

  15. WillSmithCirca1995 says:

    HT mocks Cracked’s list format a few days ago then reposts a list

  16. office jerk, says:

    this is fucking awesome work HT. i’m going to the 3rd 7th AND 9th levels of hell AT THE SAME TIME this weekend.

  17. Any says:

    pwn!

  18. Captain Obvious says:

    hey everyone, pay attention to DonkeyXote!!!!

  19. nickmare says:

    thats funny coming from someone who just wrote “a place that has warm all the time”

  20. DonkeyXote says:

    Florida? Really? The real life 9th level of hell is actually my house after my tranny mom and lesbian dad get drunk and start hunting me down.

  21. justin says:
    I don’t even understand what your comment says.
  22. six-pack of kegs says:

    there are about 4 subjects that I’ve seen have their own page on this site. get some originality HT

  23. marymaryquitecontrary says:

    He is so clever and witty!….

  24. Jessica 850 says:

    Florida is the shit! FTW!!!

  25. Don't Defend Florida says:

    I live in Florida. The stereotypes listed above are absolutely true. Having live all over the east coast of the US I can promise you that Florida is the absolute worst place of them all. The best way to describe Florida is a quote from fuckthesouth.com regarding Northern (read: Real Americans) opinion of the state:

    ” ‘Let the Spanish keep it,’ we said, ‘It’s a shithole.’ But no, you had to have your fucking orange juice.”

    This place is a fucking smelly ass swamp populated by some of the worst human beings on the planet. Glenn Beck should move here. He’d be right at home.

    Second worst – New York City.

  26. Don't Defend Florida says:

    1) Proudly uneducated toothless rednecks who think they’ve “made it because they parked their trailer “in a place that has warm all the time.

    Define Native Floridian: see above.

  27. HarryPotter812970 says:

    This is so ironic…i just got back from Florida 2 days ago…lol :)

  28. Woodnote says:

    Eh, Florida isn’t that bad. Certainly it is deserving of a spot on this list, as it is shitty, but it’s not complete hell.
    The smaller towns in particular, while full of rednecks, are also very nice in general.

  29. DonkeyXote says:

    Dad?!

  30. Cletus "pig fucker" Wilson says:

    hot damn bubba ray i thought an’ momma done left and gone ta Alabamy after daddy done caught u fuckin momma in da chikin coupe. I say god damn boy i aint seen u since u drank that there moonshine i made and went blind.

  31. bubba ray douchebag says:

    hey ya’ll wait a minute! i’m is a native floridian that takes offence to this. not all of us didn’t get no good learnin. hell i done gots more better edumakation that most people! LMAO

  32. the pig fucker says:

    hell yea im yer daddy now go an get me a beer you little bitch for i beat yer momma again and knock her teeth out so she can gum my dick. Also go make sure the meth lab aint on fire

  33. not impressed says:

    While some of these stereotypes may be true, you’re clearly just jealous of Florida.

  34. FloridaBoy says:

    Really? Florida???????? Ill agree with you on a few of the reasons But some of use are pretty nice. just saying

    Oh and I love the rest of the levels

  35. Dooseey says:

    A car crash with a total B = http://bit.ly/8n02R1

  36. Alektra Blue's Training Partner says:

    I’m calling shenanigans on this one. Oh and, first.

  37. the truck-stop rapist says:

    phew! i thought i was gonna have to tell you the same thing. Oh and you might wanna get checked out for herpes.

  38. Just Trying to Help says:

    Jokes on you. I have Aides and now, so do you :)

  39. random junky says:

    hey i remember you i was the guy shooting up, you were the guy fapping with slim jim grease. Y’know we made eye contact then laughed, then i raped you and took your wallet but u only had a coupon for an arby’s sandwich that expired in 2001. Good times

  40. Just Trying to Help says:

    The bathroom picture…that half-eaten slim jim on the back of the commode, I think thats mine. Place doesn’t look so bad, a little floor sweep and refill the toilet paper roll….it’s usable.

  41. This girl is hot says:

    DMV is where Satan, a.k.a The Devil, a.k.a. Lucifer lives!

  42. random arab says:

    hey buddy, you know u like it when i take shitty pictures of you and mark female on your drivers license while i speak in broken english trying to tell you that we dont give out titles

  43. AlaNonymous says:

    Another thought provoking query from one of our true American treasures.

  44. Ben Affleck says:

    How the hell is the DMV not on this list?

  45. HarryPotter812970 says:

    I wonder why PMS isn’t on there….because that should be level 148 of hell……PERIODS SUCK!!!!!!

  46. whiterabbit says:

    the 4th would probably be 10 if you were WORKING that night at Denny’s.

  47. VaJJ says:

    Drama kids rock don’t hate.

  48. HarryPotter812970 says:

    Drama kida aren’t that bad, seeing as I AM ONE!!!

  49. Dr. Pepper says:

    10th Circle of Hell is a reading a blog whose author is so fucking lazy they recycle front page material.

  50. Some buddy says:

    Yes.

  51. c-hagg says:

    Hasn’t this been on the main page before?

  52. poopcicle says:

    Nothing like a Chevron Gas station in the middle of Florida trying to desperately hold yourself up using the walls of the stall and all the upper body strength you got from your dike gym teacher in high school.