Ice Loves Coco is the new reason to shoot your television and give literacy a second chance. Following in the tradition of Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels, Tommy Lee Goes to College and MC Hammer’s show that probably had a name but I can’t in good conscience look up, Ice and his large everything’d wife Coco are allowing cameras to watch them all the time so we can see how they really live, in a tightly scripted, real way. Unlike those shows, this one brings with it the knowledge that if you criticize it publicly and Ice T takes issue, he does possess the requisite skills to literally kill you with his bare hands thanks to his time as an Army Ranger and knowledge of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. This is extra troubling since you’re really going to want to make fun of this show.
Lest you think this is just a slapdash attempt to make money and somehow continue to overexpose Coco’s ass which has been seen more times than a Snellen Chart, don’t forget that there were a number of rejected premises for this show. As we congratulate ourselves on that Snellen joke, you read what could have been.
Will it Bend? – Internet fave “Will it Blend” is the inspiration for Ice and Coco’s amusing take on a tried and tested formula of destroying unusual things in unusual ways. In this iteration, Ice will firmly wedge things in Coco’s vice-like behind and see if he can bend them out of shape before Coco’s shape gives out.
2 Ass 2 Curious – Using WETA special effects artists and a team of skilled cosmetologists, Ice disguises Coco’s ass as every day things and places it out in the world at large. One week it appears as a Cinnabon, the next week maybe Danny DeVito’s head. Will unsuspecting people fall victim to Coco’s heiny ruse? Catch all the action on hidden camera!
The Ice Man Giveth – Ice visits local hoppitals and attempts to find people worthy of his altruism and patronage, people who deserve help in life. Those he deems worthy win a shot at seeing what’s hidden in Coco’s ass, which could be anything from $1 to $10,000.
Survive Her – Coco sits on a contestants head for 5 minutes. Those who survive win an all expense paid trip to Compton. Those who fail already signed a waiver agreeing to hold Ice and Coco blameless for loss of life or higher brain function.
CookCook with CoCo – Ice and Coco invite you into their kitchen to learn fun, simple recipes that taste great and won’t cost a fortune while at the same time wowing guests and family alike, mostly because of the massive ass and cleavage that will be all over the plates.
Epic Squeal Time – Ice and Coco travel to unique and extreme locations such as mountain tops, forest fires, the middle of the Mojave Desert, the La Brea tar pits and a hobo village under a bridge to engage in inappropriate behavior (humping) with a lot of bacon involved.
The Surreal Wife – Ice gets Coco blitzed on mushrooms and has her read poetry to washed up celebrities. What do you expect from VH1?
The Simple Wife – Coco, Paris Hilton and Ice travel to the Heartland. One things lead to another and Paris ends up getting pimped to down home country folks.
Parking Whores – Ice and Coco drive around Philadelphia and ticket hookers whose asses don’t measure up. This likely would not have been Emmy-worthy.