9 Ron de Jeremy Rum Cocktails

You may not have heard but porn star Ron Jeremy now has a brand of rum named after him. The good people who make Ron de Jeremy rum provide a few recipes for drinks on their site, but none of them really cut to the heart of what makes Ron Jeremy rum something better to drink than any old rum you may find in a hobo’s boot. Lucky for you, we’re experts when it comes to both rum and porn, so we whipped up these special recipes for you.

Hot Buttered Ron

1 small slice of butter
1 tsp brown sugar
Ground cinnamon and ground nutmeg to taste
2 oz Ron de Jeremy rum
Boiling water

Rinse a mug with boiling water to heat it up. Put the sugar, butter and spices in the bottom of the mug, pour in the rum and top off with boiling water.

When to Drink: A hot buttered Ron is the perfect drink for when the in-laws come for a visit over the holidays and you want to tell your mother-in-law that you might enjoy snaking her drain by the fire. Alternately it’s a good accompaniment to masturbating alone in a ski lodge.

Blue Hawaiian Balls

1 oz. Ron de Jeremy Rum
1 oz Blue Curacao
2 oz Pineapple Juice
1 oz Cream of Coconut (optional)

Combine all ingredients in cocktail shaker with ice and shake well. Serve in a Collins glass.

When to Drink: You can best enjoy this delicious escape to the islands during dinner parties with friends or on spring break as you lecherously eye girls who are trying to overcome their low self esteem by convincing themselves you’re attractive and mostly sanitary, at least in this light.

Devil’s Penis aka Jacking Ron Jeremy

1 oz. Jack Daniels
1 oz. Ron de Jeremy

Fill a shaker with ice. Pour in rum and JD and shake. Strain into a shot glass

When to Drink: Lost your job, your house, your family? Book a trip to Vegas on your credit card and start mixing some of these until you’re just about ready to book get a tattoo and a showgirl bride.

Egg Knob

3 Cups Gold Rum
1 Cup Ron de Jeremy Rum
2 Quarts Half & Half
1 Cup Sugar
12 Eggs
4 tsp. Vanilla Extract
Nutmeg

In a large mixing bowl beat the eggs until light. Add the sugar, half & half, rums, and vanilla. Cover and chill over night. Take out of fridge about 1/2 hour before serving.

When to Drink: Eggs and porn-themed alcohol plus the holiday season? You should probably be drinking this for breakfast throughout December.

Monkey Jizz

1 oz. Ron de Jeremy Rum
1 oz. Melon Liqueur
1/2 oz. Creme de Banana
2 oz. Orange Juice
2 oz. Pineapple Juice
1/2 oz. Lemon Juice

Combine all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into a into a pint glass filled with fresh ice Top with a splash of soda.

When to Drink: When’s the best time to meld fruity goodness and debauchery? Sunday brunch just after church seems appropriate, when you’re out with the church ladies and want to show them that you’re able to unwind responsibly and, if need be, enjoy some DP.

Pina Colonic

1 1/2oz. Ron de Jeremy Rum
2 oz. Pineapple Juice
1 oz. Cream of Coconut
1/2 Banana
1/2 cup crushed ice

Combine all ingredients in an electric blender with the ice. Blend 20 – 30 seconds. Pour blended mixture into a Collins glass.

When to Drink: When you want to get wasted and scour your colon the Ron Jeremy way.

Pumping Pie

1 oz. Ron de Jeremy Rum
3/4 oz. canned pumpkin pie filling
1/2 oz. Kahlúa
2 oz. with cold milk

Mix ingredients in blender with ice and blend thoroughly. Pour into graham cracker-rimmed highball glass.

When to Drink: Nothing says refreshment like a drink made with pie filling for that shot of thickness most beverages so readily eschew. Enjoy your Pumping Pie as a dessert drink or as a shot of inspiration at work when you’re trying to think of a good way to seduce the new temp at work but aren’t sure if whipping out your junk is the best way to introduce yourself.

Shlong Island Iced Tea

1/2 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Gin
1/2 oz. Ron de Jeremy Rum
1/2 oz. Triple Sec
1 oz.Sweet & Sour
Top with Coke

Fill a Collins Glass with Ice. Pour in ingredients. Garnish: a lemon twist

When to Drink: Class. Sophistication. Refinement. Make sure you’re far from these things, then buy one of these drinks for yourself and the girl you feel is most likely to do you in the bathroom.

Zomboner

1 oz. Light Rum
1 oz. Gold Rum
1 oz. Ron de Jeremy Rum
1/2 oz. Apricot Brandy
2 oz. Orange Juice
1 oz. Pineapple Juice
1 oz. Lime Juice
1 tsp. Sugar
1 cup Crushed Ice

In a blender, combine all ingredients with crushed ice. Blend at a high speed until smooth and pour into a Collins glass.

When to Drink: This is a big drink for a big thirst based on a big porn star known for his big unit. Put this in a travel mug and drink it on the bus whilst waiting for an impossibly gorgeous woman to get on with incorrect fare who will then do you when you give her correct change. Keep drinking until it happens.