Say hi to our guest article by Nicholas Pell, a freelance writer who will touch your wife.
Apparently watching ABC mix up red state Bible bumpers and blue state body piercers wasn’t entertaining enough for America. Celebrity Wife Swap takes it up a notch, pairing outlandishly inappropriate celebrities against suffering wives. Our favorite? Professional scary uncle figure Gary Busey and definitely “not” gay disgraced pastor Ted Haggard. You know… the one who did meth with a manhooker in a massage parlor.
Over all, the show is a lot less exciting than what we’d expect from something called Wife Swap. Rather than watching it on TV, we’re looking to get into the real thing. But before that, we’re going to need to know what’s expected of us.
Become a Republican
A plurality of swingers are Republican and conservative. It’s not terribly surprising. Swinging has often been the prerogative of middle-class suburbanites. Compare this to the debauchery taking place in a sex or fetish club on a typical Saturday night in a major city. The whole notion of “swinging” has an inherently conservative bent to it. You aren’t going out and scoring gash from strangers. You’re calling Chad and Cindy next door, having them over for a bit of wine and cheese, and then screwing in each other’s presence.
Leave the Rubbers at Home
Dutch researchers recently cautioned swingers to wrap their meat before they pack it. Condom use isn’t exactly encouraged in the wife swapping community. In fact, it’s quite roundly discouraged among the suburban swinging set. Forget about putting on a condom to get head. That’s virtually unheard of. This all might sound pretty awesome, but after your wife or girlfriend has been balled by five different guys in a night, the one nut you busted in your buddy’s girl isn’t going to seem as awesome.
Swinging Is Threesome Central
Like most guys, swingers tend to be a little creeped out by bisexual men. And, like most people living in the 21st Century, swingers tend to be into some friendly girl-on-girl action. The upside of this is that it’s basically expected for women to engage in lesbionics in the swinging community. One of the trade offs of having your special lady friend be a party favor is that you can get a little quality time with a couple party favors at once. Best of all, one of them doesn’t even have to be your lady.
Swinging Couples Swing Together
While you two might (and probably will) break up at some point to pursue individual extra-curricular activity, it’s not encouraged to leave a man alone at a swinger party.
What to Wear
You’ve got outfits for the office, the beach, the gym, hiking, ballgames and every other situation you can think of. What you don’t have is a good swinging outfit. Don’t wait until the last minute and pace around your bedroom looking for the right outfit. Prepare yourself in advance. You’re going to want to wear casual, respectable Republican clothing to the swinger’s do. Once you get there, feel free to change into a bathrobe, sweatpants or something a little more comfortable. Like your old man on a Saturday afternoon, skip the boxer briefs and let Big Jim and the twins hang loose. Leave all your valuables and cash at home. If they get stolen your life sucks and your host is embarrassed.
Keep It Clean
While the sex might be dirty, you should be clean. Don’t forget to give your nether regions a good soaping, as well as the tits and pits. Wear deodorant, brush your teeth and put on clean drawers and socks. Maybe ru a scraping device in your crack. It might be a swinger party, but that doesn’t mean the women there are desperate. Quite the opposite. Despite the good ratio at such events, women are still prized commodities.
Yes Means Yes, No Means No
Don’t play around. If you’re approached by a snaggle-toothed hag you wouldn’t screw with someone else’s member, don’t tell her “maybe later” unless you actually mean “when I’m drunk enough.” On the other hand, accept a “no” gracefully, even when it isn’t explicit. If you’re hanging out at swinger parties you should be mature enough to know when a woman’s “maybe” actually means “leave me alone you Burt Reynolds-mustached, medallion-wearing creep.” If a woman gives you an explicit or implicit no, take it gracefully and walk away. There’s plenty of others hanging around.
If you’re trying to get down in private, don’t go to the group room. Similarly, don’t lurk around different bedrooms trying to get a peek at something without engaging. When you want to make off with someone else’s lady, you need to talk to him first. Don’t wait for him to run off with another woman to make your move.
Keep It Positive
When you like the party, say so. If it’s not your thing, just leave. No one wants a Debbie Downer around talking about how everything sucks. This is doubly true at a swinger party.