A
New York Community Council recently
approved a motion to build a Mosque near Ground Zero, and that’s got a lot of
people in a tizzy. Some people say that the opposition is just being racist, but we can see where they’re coming from: whatever they build at Ground Zero, it should be the ultimate symbol of American pride and patriotism. With that in mind, we’ve come up with a few ideas of our own. Here’s what they should really be building at Ground Zero:
A KenTacoHut
What better way to symbolize our nation’s indomidable spirit than with our three favorite national pasttimes: KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut, all rolled into one Gabourey Sidibe-sized building.
A 131 Foot Tall Buddy Jesus Statue
Rio de Janeiro beat us to the punch when it comes to giant Jesus statues. Rio’s 130-foot tall "Christ the Redeemer" statue is quite impressive, which is why America’s new Buddy Jesus statue has to be at least a foot taller. Also, it’s Buddy Jesus, not regular Jesus, so that makes it way cooler by default. We could also use Buddy Jesus’s pointing gesture to our advantage. Like, maybe he could be pointing at the Statue of Liberty, as if to say "Hey, baby. That’s a nice torch you got there. Have you ever had an American tickler?" Eat it, Rio!
A Tower Built of Churches from Every Religion
Some people might argue that building a Mosque near Ground Zero is a good way to keep the area safe, because Muslims are the ONLY people who can be terrorists. But people who have passed the second grade will quickly point out that, in fact, anyone can be a terrorist (I’m looking at you, Timothy McVeigh). Therefore, rather than just protecting the city against future Muslim terrorists, we should protect it against all future terrorists by building a giant tower out of churches from every religion on Earth. What are you gonna do now, terrorists? Blow your own church up? I don’t think so!
A Walmart
There’s nothing more American than consumerism, and there’s no better representation of consumerism than a Walmart Supercenter. As an added bonus, Manhattanites will finally get to experience the joy of buying everything in bulk, and I mean everything. Do you know what it feels like to be in possession of 840 Slim Jims at once? You will, Manhattan. You will.
The WWF Hall of Fame
There just needs to be a WWF Hall of Fame. Sure, the WWE has a Hall of Fame now, but a) there’s no actual building for it, and b) the WWF was way cooler. As for the location, there’s no specific reason why the WWF Hall of Fame should be build on Ground Zero, other than the fact that they have a lot of open space in a densely-populated area, and this Hall of Fame museum needs to be f*cking huge.
A Monster Truck Rally Stadium
The day we can’t run over cars with even bigger cars is the day the terrorists win.
There’s no better symbol for American industry and perseverance than beer, and since
Pabst Blue Ribbon is the only true American beer, this just seems appropriate. It’ll also prove incredibly convenient for all the Williamsburg hipsters, who pound PBR like Gabourey Sidibe eats cake. I hate to keep harping on it, but that chick is
really fat.
The Tits & Guns Museum
Tits + Guns = America. Any questions?
An American Flag Bald Eagle’s Nest Tower
If we’re talking about straight-up symbology here, nothing beats a Bald Eagle perched on top of a giant American Flag-colored tower. It wouldn’t be useful for anything other than inspiring patriotism, looking awesome, and pelting the pedestrians below with giant eagle shits that will be traveling at about mach 5 by the time they reach the ground, but the point isn’t usefulness. It’s awesomeness, and this plan delivers. The eagles will also take care of Manhattan’s nasty pigeon/rat/obnoxious immigrant child problem.
Then again, battle scars are also a good way to show how badass you are.
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