It’s Valentine’s Day! Are you ready to be intimate? We sure are. The best way to engage in such intimacy is to learn from masters and who better to teach you than the Hollywood elite? We’ve assembled a pastiche of some of the hottest sex scenes in film to help you get in the mood and get randy with your special someone. We dare you to watch these and not touch yourself!
Team America (German)
Ahh, the Germans, they make everything more erotic. When it comes to patriotic marionette sensuality, nothing beats Team America and when it’s dubbed in German (the language of eroticism) it’s twice as boneriffic.
Probably the greatest movie ever that also stars Jason Biggs and has Pie in the name, American Pie featured this scene which is basically the purest form of eroticism you’ll ever see, as it includes a pie and therefore any pretense of trying to show off for a partner or being embarrassed or demure is stripped away, because that pie don’t give a shit – it just wants to hump
I couldn’t find this scene to embed, but I’ll just let these screen caps do the talking (except for the part before the last image where she sees a horse weiner. I didn’t screen cap that, but I want you to know the context).
Halle Berry is in this scene and so is a nameless hot blonde whose parents may or may not have told their friends their daughter was in a major Hollywood motion picture giving Wolverine a blowie. But the icing on the sexy cake in this scene is the triple threat of Vinnie Jones watching, nerd hacking and John Travolta with that haircut. If your lady doesn’t immediately beg for serious sexing upon seeing this scene it’s because she’s gone sex catatonic. Give her 5 minutes then she’ll beg.
Before she became a leather cyborg, Kim Cattrall was young and attractive and howling like a dog while she banged a dude on some sweat socks and used jocks. That still makes it move for me. Every time.
If you have ever partaken of better sexy talk than what you see here, please leave a comment.
Howard the Duck
Lea Thompson humps a duck in this scene. Shakespeare didn’t know it at the time, but this is what his sonnets were about. Yeats, Wordsworth, Donne. All of them were striving blindly towards this feeling, this sense of closeness and love. Duck humping. Humping a duck.
Uwe Boll is history’s greatest director and a master of framing sensual scenes. As we can see in Bloodrayne here, when the Terminator bangs a dude against a metal gate, your brain responds by producing a chemical compound called “bonerium” that will leave you and your partner ensconced in rapturous sexification for a solid 5 minutes.
I could watch this over and over again because it’s such a multifaceted scene. It’s a rape scene which is bad, but it’s a snowman which is good. It’s a murder which is bad but it’s a snowman which is good. It’s a carrot penis which is…wait…hmm. I dunno man, but for real, this is Shannon Elizabeth and a snowman.