A good roommate can be a great way to keep you company and help split the cost of rent. A bad roommate, on the other hand, is like a case of AIDS. He or she can take away your freedom, independence and ultimately, your will to live, until you are a shell of the person you once were. Here are the nine worst.
9. The Deadbeat
The first of every month this guy is like a broken record, "Hey man...yeah, so, like, my company...they, like, forgot to pay me. So I don't, like, have any money for, ya know, rent." And he says the same thing when the electric bill, cable bill, or any other bill needs paying. But somehow his total lack of cash doesn't stop him from going out four nights a week, while you're stuck eating Ramen noodles and dryer lint just to make ends meet. And whenever you try to explain to him that you can't always pay for his share, he gets offended, takes a communist stance, and says that if you were in the same position, he would totally help you out. But, unfortunately, Arby's doesn't plan to double his $13,000 salary anytime soon.
8. The Food Stealer
We’ve all taken food that didn’t belong to us at some point, but the Food Stealer is on an entirely different level. It’s as if they spent years in an early twentieth century orphanage, learning grifting and slight of hand techniques. If you ever happen to leave any of your food in a common area like “the fridge,” they’ll immediately eat all of it, and then when you ask them about it, they’ll act like a drug dealer being questioned by the cops about a murder.
YOU: So, did you see the Cheez-its that were in the cabinet?
THEM: Cheez-its?
YOU: Yeah, cheez-its, cheesy snacks, look kind of like wheat thins. You know what they are.
THEM: OH. Cheez-its. Nah, don’t know what happened to them.
YOU: But they were here earlier, and now they’re gone.
THEM: That’s unfortunate. Maybe they’re just missin’. (stare down between you and them)
YOU: Gah! I know you did it you son of a bitch!
7. The Party Guy
Every night this guy comes home at five in the morning, with a group of people that all look like the fourth picture in a twelve picture “Faces Of Meth” montage. If the sound of the music blasting doesn’t wake you up, the drunk woman stumbling in to your room and attempting to f*&k her boyfriend on the bed you’re sleeping on does. Inevitably you have to walk out into the living room, and turn down the music, and everyone looks at you like they’re a group of graduate students and you just told them you “don’t really care for Arrested Development.” You tell your roommate you have to be up in two hours, and they’re like “Oh, no way, okay, totally sorry. We’ll turn this down.” Then you head back to your room, and you clearly hear through the wall, your roommate saying “just wait like two minutes and then we’ll pump that shit up again.”
6. The Borrower
They borrow everything from you, and either lose it or use it for something it wasn’t supposed to be used for, leaving you saying things like “It’s cool you borrowed my copy of Shawshank Redemption, but I’d rather you didn’t use it to hold up your dresser. It’s not really a load bearing DVD.” You don’t want to look like an asshole, but before you know it, you’re gingerly asking them to BORROW BACK the things you lent them. “Hey man, I was wondering if I could grab that toothpaste back from you, just cause I ran out of mine. As soon as I buy new toothpaste, I’ll bring it right back.” “Hmmm, I kind of need it tonight and there’s not much left.” “Okay, cool, no worries.”
5. The Gamer
Everyone likes to kick back and blow off some steam and playing video games. But nothing is more annyoing than sharing an apartment's only television with someone who's surgically attached to his Xbox and/or PS3. Because the only thing lamer than always playing video games, is having to watch someone always play video games. The problem is, hardcore gamers don't sleep, or seem to have regular jobs. Which means you're getting woken up by him screaming into a headset at a seven-year-old in Poland about how his Warlock totally annihilated by his cleric. Or when you get home from work and you just want to watch some mindless TV, but he's playing Madden by himself so he can "practice running up the middle. Or when you just want to watch the Super Bowl and he "Needs to get to this one last level of Call of Duty so I can save it. Can you listen to the first half on the radio? I'm sure it's online somewhere."
4. Couch Potato
Remember how you used to like sitting on your couch? Remember how it used to not smell like rotten guacamole? Remember when it wasn’t covered in what looks like various dried bodily fluids and sweat stains? Well those days are over, now that you’re living with a Couch Potato. The Couch Potato roommate is usually a combo roommate, meaning that the Couch Potato will most likely also be The Gamer, The Dead Beat, or (worst of all) The Guy Who’s Girlfriend is Always Over. Either way, this couch is his new home, and there’s no moving him once he’s established it as his territory. Your best plan of action now is to position a garbage can nearby, get a fresh bottle of Febreeze, and learn to like Law & Order (all of them), because he who controls the couch controls the television, and that SVU shit is like Couch Potato heroin.
3.The Guy Whose Girlfriend Is Always Over
When you're roommate is in a relationship, it's like you're in a relationship, too. Except you only get the shit parts of having a girlfriend. You're always hanging out with her, she's eating your food and she's taking up your spot on the couch, but you don't get to have sex with her. And somehow, you end up watching Grey's Anatomy because she wants to because you're roommate wants to watch it because he wants to keep having sex with her.
2. The Slob
After the slob is done cooking, your kitchen looks like someone raped a barbecue chicken sandwich.Every time you walk past their bathroom, it smells like a baby shit on top of a copy of the New York times, then died.Every time you ask them to clean up, they respond with picking up something and moving it somewhere else, then look at you to see what your response will be like they’re playing chess for the first time and want to make sure they moved the knight correctly.The apartment gets messier and messier, until the only way the apartment could get any dirtier, is if it f*&ked strangers for money.That’s when you realize you’ve lost the battle, and start laughing when your roommate blows his nose on a pair of basketball shorts he found stuffed inside your silverware drawer.
1.Mr. Anal Retentive
Maybe this person was raised in a strict household. Maybe at some point they were thrown into the back of a garbage truck, and they’ve been freaked out by messiness ever since. Freud would say that at some point in their childhood they had to hold in a huge dump, and that magically turned into obsessive-compulsive disorder. Whatever the reasoning, there are some people who are anal retentive neat-freaks, and this can translate into a roommate nightmare. To compound the issue, most anal-retentive people are passive aggressive, so they won’t express frustration and resentment over having to wash your two dirty dishes in the sink to satisfy their twisted psychological disorder. After about 7 months, though, all of their frustration will build into a repressed volcano of bitter rage, and eventually they will go ballistic over something completely inane, leaving you to calm the situation down by saying something like “Dude. Sorry, I didn’t know we had separate sponges for the dishes and the counter.” Unfortunately, you’ll still have five months left on your one-year lease. Good luck with that.
You forgot the girlfriend who you convinced to move in with you even though her and her parents thought she should at least be engaged first. Then when the pressure is on to get engaged you realize, it was a bad fucking move, and the only way out is a lot of fucking tears, and bullshit, and talking.
You forgot the roommate who has a pet but is never home to take care of that pet. I have a roomie who brought up her cat to live with us. I didn't mind because I brought a kitten in too. The only issue is she suddenly got a boyfriend and is now pretty much living with him, only she left her cat with me, never buys any of the food or litter, and pretty much expects me to take care of it. What would we call her? "Irresponsible Pet Owner Roomie?" "Oh My Gosh I Have A Cat Roomie?" Or my favorite, "Oh Noez! I Gave Your Cat Awayz To Teh Shelterz!"
Let's see....I think one of my old roommates was a combination of The Slob, The Guy Who's Girlfriend is Always Over, The Couch Potato, The Gamer & The Deadbeat. And me being Mr Anal Retentive didn't mix well. But he always had pot & I f*cked his girlfriend when he was out of town so I guess it worked out in the end.
I wish I was as lucky and got to fuck my roommates girlfriend for all the shit I end up buying for them and watching with her. kudos to you. but what's worse then the slob and couch potato and deadbeat-pot-smoker-with-no-job all combined into one is when you ask this guy to pick up his shit he gets defensive and tries to backfire it on you for one bowl you left around his pile of shit and couldn't clean because of an overflowing dishwasher and sink he created from making hash brownies and smells up your house because all he did all day was make weed butter in your crockpot and left the mess to fuck his girlfriend at her house for the next 3 days.
Fuckers who move their gf in without asking the other rent payers need a solid beating. Worst thing ever ever ever is when a roomie's gf moves in. That should be number 1. At least the anal retentive dude is cleaning shit up; he should be #9.
Agree! I had a roomate whos GF lived A BLOCK A FUCKING WAY and she never went home. Shes a slob and so were her roomates, so she lived in our place and bitched about it incessantly. Plus she was a 'Vegetarian' who only ate chicken, go fucking figure. everytime he went grocery shopping hed come back with 18 pounds of chicken, and get pissed when the roomies wouldnt throw cash to help him out. "I just bought us groceries, and nobody will throw a couple bucks". Sorry Brah, im not paying for you and your GF to have dinner for the next month. Oh, and then theres hearing them fuck all the goddam time. And she parks at the end of the driveway, but doesnt work in the mornings, so you have to pound on roomies locked door at 8am cuz your late for work and theres a chevy paperweight blocking you in. AHHHHHHH!
You should add Momma's Boy or Daddy's Girl to this list.
You know who they are... no matter what problems arise, they run to mommy or daddy to save the day. They throw away perfectly edible food and make comments about how hard it is to choose what new car to buy. You know that you should feel bad for them, and good about yourself, because you're a responsible person who doesn't need anyone to support them. But you can't help resenting the fact that they live a blissfully unaware life while you shlep to your dead end job every day.
The only upside to this roomate is that you can usually get some good scraps if they come home from going out to dinner with leftovers. Oh, and if they're buying booze for the house, you know you're gonna get the good stuff.
How about the roommate who automatically assumes because you live together that you're like super tight BFFs okay! And everything you do has to be together and all of your friends are automatically their friends and on Saturday night you say "actually I'm going out with my boyfriend tonight" and they say "SWEET! Where are we going?!" Let's call them: Clingy Roomie
...my roommate was a mix between Clingy Roomie, Party Girl, Food Stealer, Roommate whos (Boy)friend is Always Over, Anal Retentive and Irresponsible Pet Owner Roomie.
lol. I lived with some roommates with a rule: No live-in girl friends. The rule was that if they came by all the time and slept over all the time, that was fine but they had to live elsewhere so that when shit hit the fan, they would bail and no roommate had to suffer the shit storm. Two roommates broke that rule. I saw 1st hand why it was such a good rule. Nothing like hearing your buddy's gf having a shrieking argument with her parents at your front door.
Aside from that black memory, I would like to add "Won't Take a Message Guy". Doesn't apply as much nowadays with cell phones but once upon a time, this kind of roommate sucked.
Or how about the roomie who always makes parties awkard.
During our FIRST party together my roommate got blackout drunk at about 10pm. It was supposed to be an all girls slumber party so she invited two guys that no one knew who immediately made the party awkward and then she invited some chick she met on new years eve.
Her and the chick then proceded to start making out... with no shirts on... in the middle of the livingroom. Everyone saw WAY too much... including my mom who happened to be at the slumber party because her husband was out of town.
My roommate, after a bunch of convincing, then moved her and her lady into the bedroom and had loud sex for about 2 hours. After that she came out of the bedroom and picked a fight with some of my friends and ended up punching one of them in the face and breaking his tooth with a glass of rum and coke... she claims she doesnt remember doing any of it.
My mom hadnt smoked in 10 years until that night. Tramatized for life.
"Hey guys, wanna come to a party at my new place? It's an all girls sleepover party! I invited my Mom so you know it's going to be super awesome."
Why are you allowed to invite your guy friend (the one who got his tooth knocked out) to the "all girls slumber party" but she can't bring her guy friends? And you didn't even get naked and make out with a chick afterwards to entertain the guests!
My mom is very cool, it was supposed to be a slumber party where we all drank girly martinis and watched Sex and the City so my mom brought a sh!t load of booze and was mixing yummy things all night. She's a very chill lady and all of my friends love hanging out with her becuase she gives killer advice but isnt one of those creepy moms who try to be 20 again.
You said it was supposed to be an all girl party that she brought 2 dudes to. Then later you claim she busted yer friend's tooth. You refer to it as "his tooth".
haha sorry missed that part, after she retired to the boudoir to have lots and lots of messy lesbo sex all of her friends left because this was the first time they'd met me, the new roommate, and they felt kinda awkward. All that was left was one of my friends and my mom. Later a couple of my buddies showed up to hear the lesbo sex and they were chilling out drinking and chatting until crazy drunk bi-roomie came out and started yelling "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!" and they were all saying they were my friends and we were all trying to calm her down until she punched my buddy in the face. etc etc.
Lol....what a dirty whore of a roomie....and doesn't even sound like a nice one at that. aahh well...i guess alcohol can do some fucked up shit to people
Or the roommate who drags home a drug dealer when you just want to have a nice night dropping some shrooms with a few mates, the drug dealer has a bad trip and starts threatening everybody while the roommate pretends to fall asleep...
fuck that. my sister is in university right now and is poor as cockfuck i can totally see her doing that stupid fucking look. always stealing my god fuckin cookies
(304 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
April 6th, 2009 at 02:55 pm
So true.
April 6th, 2009 at 03:00 pm
You forgot the girlfriend who you convinced to move in with you even though her and her parents thought she should at least be engaged first. Then when the pressure is on to get engaged you realize, it was a bad fucking move, and the only way out is a lot of fucking tears, and bullshit, and talking.
April 6th, 2009 at 03:10 pm
"Couch Potato heroine"? Really?
April 6th, 2009 at 03:25 pm
LOL @ the guy whose gf is always over!
so true, so true
April 6th, 2009 at 03:35 pm
What about "The Girl in the hole in your basement." The constant crying and pleading is a real pain in the ass.
http://sickpigs.com
April 6th, 2009 at 03:35 pm
You forgot the roommate who has a pet but is never home to take care of that pet. I have a roomie who brought up her cat to live with us. I didn't mind because I brought a kitten in too. The only issue is she suddenly got a boyfriend and is now pretty much living with him, only she left her cat with me, never buys any of the food or litter, and pretty much expects me to take care of it. What would we call her? "Irresponsible Pet Owner Roomie?" "Oh My Gosh I Have A Cat Roomie?" Or my favorite, "Oh Noez! I Gave Your Cat Awayz To Teh Shelterz!"
April 6th, 2009 at 05:00 pm
"Oh Noez! I Gave Your Cat Awayz To Teh Shelterz!"
Man, you're a fucking genius. That line had me cracking the fuck up.
April 6th, 2009 at 07:26 pm
Haha I agree with Buddy. Funniest damn thing I've read in a long time.
October 21st, 2009 at 08:57 pm
Shoot the cat
April 6th, 2009 at 04:04 pm
Let's see....I think one of my old roommates was a combination of The Slob, The Guy Who's Girlfriend is Always Over, The Couch Potato, The Gamer & The Deadbeat. And me being Mr Anal Retentive didn't mix well. But he always had pot & I f*cked his girlfriend when he was out of town so I guess it worked out in the end.
April 6th, 2009 at 06:35 pm
Did you get checked for STDs afterwarts?
August 26th, 2009 at 03:39 pm
haha afterwarts?
November 4th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
I wish I was as lucky and got to fuck my roommates girlfriend for all the shit I end up buying for them and watching with her. kudos to you. but what's worse then the slob and couch potato and deadbeat-pot-smoker-with-no-job all combined into one is when you ask this guy to pick up his shit he gets defensive and tries to backfire it on you for one bowl you left around his pile of shit and couldn't clean because of an overflowing dishwasher and sink he created from making hash brownies and smells up your house because all he did all day was make weed butter in your crockpot and left the mess to fuck his girlfriend at her house for the next 3 days.
April 6th, 2009 at 04:13 pm
Fuckers who move their gf in without asking the other rent payers need a solid beating. Worst thing ever ever ever is when a roomie's gf moves in. That should be number 1. At least the anal retentive dude is cleaning shit up; he should be #9.
October 21st, 2009 at 09:39 am
Agree! I had a roomate whos GF lived A BLOCK A FUCKING WAY and she never went home. Shes a slob and so were her roomates, so she lived in our place and bitched about it incessantly. Plus she was a 'Vegetarian' who only ate chicken, go fucking figure. everytime he went grocery shopping hed come back with 18 pounds of chicken, and get pissed when the roomies wouldnt throw cash to help him out. "I just bought us groceries, and nobody will throw a couple bucks". Sorry Brah, im not paying for you and your GF to have dinner for the next month. Oh, and then theres hearing them fuck all the goddam time. And she parks at the end of the driveway, but doesnt work in the mornings, so you have to pound on roomies locked door at 8am cuz your late for work and theres a chevy paperweight blocking you in. AHHHHHHH!
April 6th, 2009 at 04:16 pm
You should add Momma's Boy or Daddy's Girl to this list.
You know who they are... no matter what problems arise, they run to mommy or daddy to save the day. They throw away perfectly edible food and make comments about how hard it is to choose what new car to buy. You know that you should feel bad for them, and good about yourself, because you're a responsible person who doesn't need anyone to support them. But you can't help resenting the fact that they live a blissfully unaware life while you shlep to your dead end job every day.
The only upside to this roomate is that you can usually get some good scraps if they come home from going out to dinner with leftovers. Oh, and if they're buying booze for the house, you know you're gonna get the good stuff.
April 6th, 2009 at 04:23 pm
five stars for "shlep" usage
April 6th, 2009 at 04:19 pm
How about the roommate who automatically assumes because you live together that you're like super tight BFFs okay! And everything you do has to be together and all of your friends are automatically their friends and on Saturday night you say "actually I'm going out with my boyfriend tonight" and they say "SWEET! Where are we going?!" Let's call them: Clingy Roomie
...my roommate was a mix between Clingy Roomie, Party Girl, Food Stealer, Roommate whos (Boy)friend is Always Over, Anal Retentive and Irresponsible Pet Owner Roomie.
Fun times.
April 6th, 2009 at 04:20 pm
It's funny when the gf starts fucking the dudes roommate. I've seen it happen twice now.
<3 the morals of today's females
April 11th, 2009 at 10:43 am
The morals of yourself and finding humour in that are also quite outstanding. Feel proud buddy. Real proud.
August 30th, 2009 at 05:51 am
Sorry your BF fucked your roommate, maybe you should put out more and hold the bitchiness
April 6th, 2009 at 04:21 pm
lol. I lived with some roommates with a rule: No live-in girl friends. The rule was that if they came by all the time and slept over all the time, that was fine but they had to live elsewhere so that when shit hit the fan, they would bail and no roommate had to suffer the shit storm. Two roommates broke that rule. I saw 1st hand why it was such a good rule. Nothing like hearing your buddy's gf having a shrieking argument with her parents at your front door.
Aside from that black memory, I would like to add "Won't Take a Message Guy". Doesn't apply as much nowadays with cell phones but once upon a time, this kind of roommate sucked.
April 11th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Are you a chick? Because chicks give 'messages'. If you want to tell a guy something and you're a guy, man up and just say it.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:32 am
He means phone messages, you dolt.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
LMAO. Dolt. Nice.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:47 am
total dolt
April 6th, 2009 at 04:24 pm
Or how about the roomie who always makes parties awkard.
During our FIRST party together my roommate got blackout drunk at about 10pm. It was supposed to be an all girls slumber party so she invited two guys that no one knew who immediately made the party awkward and then she invited some chick she met on new years eve.
Her and the chick then proceded to start making out... with no shirts on... in the middle of the livingroom. Everyone saw WAY too much... including my mom who happened to be at the slumber party because her husband was out of town.
My roommate, after a bunch of convincing, then moved her and her lady into the bedroom and had loud sex for about 2 hours. After that she came out of the bedroom and picked a fight with some of my friends and ended up punching one of them in the face and breaking his tooth with a glass of rum and coke... she claims she doesnt remember doing any of it.
My mom hadnt smoked in 10 years until that night. Tramatized for life.
April 6th, 2009 at 06:17 pm
Should I feel bad that I just jerked off to that?
April 6th, 2009 at 07:57 pm
No. That sounds like a party I would want to check out.
April 6th, 2009 at 08:22 pm
Absolutely not
August 8th, 2009 at 04:34 pm
thats the part were you tell um 2 chill the fuck out and not just stare at um like a tard
October 14th, 2009 at 11:52 am
"Hey guys, wanna come to a party at my new place? It's an all girls sleepover party! I invited my Mom so you know it's going to be super awesome."
Why are you allowed to invite your guy friend (the one who got his tooth knocked out) to the "all girls slumber party" but she can't bring her guy friends? And you didn't even get naked and make out with a chick afterwards to entertain the guests!
April 6th, 2009 at 06:34 pm
yeah if you had a camera you could have gotten your revenge and make us all happy.
April 6th, 2009 at 07:54 pm
you brought your mom to the partay?
April 7th, 2009 at 10:25 am
My mom is very cool, it was supposed to be a slumber party where we all drank girly martinis and watched Sex and the City so my mom brought a sh!t load of booze and was mixing yummy things all night. She's a very chill lady and all of my friends love hanging out with her becuase she gives killer advice but isnt one of those creepy moms who try to be 20 again.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:21 am
You're wrong, that is exactly the type of mom she is.
April 7th, 2009 at 09:53 am
You said it was supposed to be an all girl party that she brought 2 dudes to. Then later you claim she busted yer friend's tooth. You refer to it as "his tooth".
So I have to ask: Is "Mom" a euphemism?
April 7th, 2009 at 10:24 am
haha sorry missed that part, after she retired to the boudoir to have lots and lots of messy lesbo sex all of her friends left because this was the first time they'd met me, the new roommate, and they felt kinda awkward. All that was left was one of my friends and my mom. Later a couple of my buddies showed up to hear the lesbo sex and they were chilling out drinking and chatting until crazy drunk bi-roomie came out and started yelling "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!" and they were all saying they were my friends and we were all trying to calm her down until she punched my buddy in the face. etc etc.
She was the best roomie ever.
September 24th, 2009 at 04:29 pm
Lol....what a dirty whore of a roomie....and doesn't even sound like a nice one at that. aahh well...i guess alcohol can do some fucked up shit to people
April 6th, 2009 at 04:27 pm
Thats the best picture you could get for "Food Stealer"?
I so would have went with the Hamburgler
August 26th, 2009 at 03:45 pm
Grrrr that Hamburgalur! I'll get him one day.
April 6th, 2009 at 04:29 pm
0. The rich douche bag that has the incessant need to remind you just how rich he is every waking moment.
April 6th, 2009 at 04:39 pm
You forgot the "does something illegal behind your back and gets the house torn apart by cops" roommate.
Yeah, that was fun.
October 4th, 2009 at 06:38 pm
This sounds like a story I would love to hear...
April 6th, 2009 at 04:41 pm
Or the roommate who drags home a drug dealer when you just want to have a nice night dropping some shrooms with a few mates, the drug dealer has a bad trip and starts threatening everybody while the roommate pretends to fall asleep...
April 6th, 2009 at 04:48 pm
Thats the best picture you could find for "food stealer"?
I so would have went with the Hamburgler
April 6th, 2009 at 05:08 pm
fuck that. my sister is in university right now and is poor as cockfuck i can totally see her doing that stupid fucking look. always stealing my god fuckin cookies
April 6th, 2009 at 07:28 pm
god fucking cookies...those sound intense as fuck...I bet they are Mrs Fields...yep...Mrs fields fucks god.
http://tsanda.wordpress.com/
April 6th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I fucked Mrs Fields too....does that mean God had my sloppy seconds?
September 24th, 2009 at 04:26 pm
Mmmmmm god fuckin' cookies....could so go for some of those right now!
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