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A 3-Step Guide To Drinking Alone on St. Patrick’s Day

functioning alcoholic businessman

This Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day, a day when everyone pretends they actually like the Irish so they can have an excuse to show up to work on Church on Sunday hung over and reeking of beer and someone else’s vomit.

But some people aren’t fortune enough to have friends and loved ones to drink with on this fine day. Some people are like Ken. Say hello, Ken.

All of Ken’s friends and family were killed in a gas leak during his 29th birthday party. As Ken played with a Noodle in the pool by himself, even though it wasn’t a pool party, everyone he loved died silently in his home. Isn’t that right, Ken?


Ken 2

I get it. I completely understand.

With everyone he cared for dead and no longer able to drink with him, Ken now drinks alone on St. Patrick’s Day. So we’ll use Ken as an example of what you should and shouldn’t do all by your lonesome on St. Patty’s Day.

Ken 3

As Ken knows, being alone on a day you are expected to join arms with your brethren and rejoice as you kick back some cold ones can illicit some, um, let’s say, “raw emotions.” Isn’t that right, Ken?

Ken 4

That’s a shame.  Now, one simple rule to follow is to not cry in bars a lot. In fact, do your crying elsewhere; perhaps in the building where they hand out vaginas for big, whiny crybabies.

Ken 5

Good suggestion, Ken.

Ken 6

When you’ve got a bunch of alcohol running through your system, it mingles with your inner sadness and creates a strange brew of anger. This anger manifests itself in the form of violence. So if you’re out just trying to get your mind off the senseless deaths of everyone you know, you might try to lash out and inflict your pain on others. This isn’t good behavior. Being all alone means you don’t have a posse to back you up. So if the shit goes down, you’re going to have 7 college kids kicking your face in an alley and no one to tag in to assist.

Ken 7

One alternative is to internalize your rage and lash it out on yourself, saving others from running the risk of harshing their buzz.

Ken 8

Wow, Ken! You’re chock-full of great ideas!

Ken 9

With all of that sadness, rage and whiskey running through your Irish blood on this lonely St. Patty’s Day, there may come a moment when you think about ending it all. DON’T DO IT! Killing yourself will only confirm everything your co-workers thought about you, and that’s that you’re a pathetic quitter that couldn’t handle the little shot of deep depression that chased your frosty mug of ale. Ending it all may seem like a great idea at the time, but once you’re dead you’ll regret it.

Ken 10

Exactly. Ken, thank you for your participation and for trying to help others out there like you that will be drinking alone today.

Ken 11

Yeeeah, sorry. I’ve got a thing.

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