News broke today that a law firm in Alabama is suing Taco Bell for false advertising, claiming that their beef isn’t actually beef at all, seeing as it contains only 36% actual cow flesh. That leaves 64% of the “beef” to account for. Tech blog Gizmodo got their hands on a list of the rest of Taco Bell’s beef ingredients, but they only went as far as to mention what those ingredients are, by name. We’re going to swoop in and give you a basic description of what those are specifically, and what it is they do.
1) Beef – It’s only at number one because if they flipped number’s one and two to save some cash Taco Bell would then have to advertise their products as containing “savory, gelatinous beef water.”
2) Water – Coming in as the second most prominent ingredient in Taco Bell beef is water, because the principle that applies to poor people tricking themselves in to thinking that adding water in to the jug of milk means you have more milk also applies to corporate fast food chain beef preparation, aka Beef Chicanery.
3) Isolated Oat Product – used as a “meat extender,” which is, by the way, is also a phrase found in the product descriptions of quite a few dick-related sex toys. Isolated oats are oats that have been told they will never amount to anything and will never have any friends. Thus, they become sheltered and anti-social and they listen to a lot of Slipknot. While they may be pretty far down on the list of oat products you’d hang out with in high school, they are number three on the list of Taco Bell beef ingredients. It’s like that nerdy kid in school that no one hung out with who later become the CEO of a major tech company.
4) Salt – If you add enough of it, anything can taste like food.
5) Chili Pepper – see # 4. Also, it masks that created-in-a-test-tube-under-strict-anti-biohazzard-contamination-regulations taste.
6) Onion Powder – If onion powder is made of onions, and garlic powder is made of garlic, what’s baby powder made of? Ha-ha! Stole that from every 90s stand-up comedian!
7) Tomato Powder – What tomato fairies sprinkle on tomatoes to make them fly. The tomatoes must also think a happy thought in order to fly. Sadly, most tomatoes are idiots that can’t even think. And the ones that can are only thinking murder.
8) Oats – The once-popular-but-now-kind-of-sad older brother of Isolated Oat Product. He used to get all the chicks in high school, but after he blew out his knee during a football game, he lost his University of Florida scholarship. He now works various crappy temp jobs and can only make it up to the number eight slot of the most prominent ingredients in Taco Bell beef. He is to this day jealous of his younger brother Isolated Oat Product.
9) Soy Lecithin – Scientifically classified as a “wetting agent.” We should note that a Super Soaker can also be considered a wetting agent. And if you’re saying wetting agent without reading it, then yes, it is also a person that works out the various contracts used during weddings.
10) Sugar – Because you can’t make diabetes an actual ingredient.
11) Spices – A vague enough word to make you think something devious is afoot, yet a concrete enough word to make people quickly give up thinking about how devious it sounds.
12) Maltodextrin – a corn-based sweetener added in to meet the American public’s demand of eating corn while eating a corn tortilla. Maltodextrin allows for the corn-within-corn dynamic. It’s also known as the Inception of corn-based products.
13) Soybean Oil – The most boring and tasteless of all the oils.
14) Garlic Powder – Made from cremated bodies of dead garlics.
15) Autolyzed Yeast Extract – Like MSG, but cheaper. Taco Bell is cutting corners on a product that every mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant in North America has so much of they probably pour it in to your water.
16) Citric Acid – A meat tenderizer. More efficient then having a dude pound 100 million pounds of meat with a hammer.
17) Caramel Color – Because without it your taco beef would look like semi-coagulated paint primer.
18) Cocoa Powder – A holdover from when Taco Bell thought about competing with Starbucks for the coffee drinker demographic, back when they were trying to figure out how to make beef-flavored mocha lattes. The experiments were not successful. Many chimps died.
19) Silicon Dioxide — An anti-caking agent, and the contents of those little sacks of beads you find in new clothes. So, if you are opening a new clothing store, you can stuff the pockets of all of your jeans and button-up shirts with taco beef. Consuming the product ensures your stomach stays fresh and doesn’t attract moths.
20) Natural Flavors – All of them. All naturally occurring flavors are included, including dirt, bitter horse ass, and placenta.
21) Yeast – Because Taco Bell is required by the government to include at least one familiar sounding thing this far down on the list.
22) Modified Corn Starch – It was modified with an obnoxiously loud tail pipe and a 4-foot-tall spoiler.
23) Natural Smoke Flavor – It tastes like burning.
24) More Salt – Because the fat Mexican mom that stirs the bubbling industrial vats of meat with a gigantic wooden spoon gave the meat a taste before it was done and thought it was too bland.
25) Sodium Phosphate – Used to preserve meat. Also, it’s a laxative found in home enema kits. Without it the only way you could rid your bowels of the tacos you had for lunch would be with an incredibly invasive 14-hour rectal surgery.
We wrote all of this not knowing whether of not Taco Bell was an advertiser on our site. We still don’t know. But just in case they are, we would like to suggest to you, the loyal Holy Taco reader, that you sew a second mouth on to your asshole so you can enjoy the wonderful foods of Taco Bell at the same time, from both ends.