Get excited, chrome-domes. They’ve discovered the cause for male pattern baldness, which means they’re one step closer to finding the cure! This is a great time to be in your early thirties. Just as your hair starts disappearing and your boners begin to lose steam, modern medicine has refined a solution for both. There’s a lot of problems dudes in that age range face, and unfortunately, there’s not always a pill they can pop to solve them. If you’re in over twenty-five to thirty-five demographic, you know there’s a few issues you could use a prescription for. Medicine needs to focus on developing the following things:
A pill that gives you the ability to properly balance a checkbook.
A pill that makes every bone in your body stop cracking in the morning.
A cure for man boobs (besides push-ups).
A cure for ball sack sag.
A pill that makes twenty-two year old girls as intellectually attractive as they are physically attractive.
A syrum that allows people of all ages to enjoy the music of today’s youth.
Something to lower alcohol tolerance (bar tabs get increasingly expensive as you age).
A lotion that will make me invisible to gangs of arrogant, hurtful teenagers.
Something to reduce the growth of ear and nose hair.
A pill that allows us to enjoy roller coasters again.
GET ON IT, SCIENCE!