A Deep Voice Doesn’t Mean He Has A High Sperm Count, Says Science

You know how you’ll meet a guy with a really deep voice and you think to yourself, perhaps out loud, “Man, I bet he shoots massive loads bursting with gagillions of sperm cells.” Of course you think that. That’s a thing literally all of us have thought, and at many different points in our lives. In fact, there is rarely a day that goes by in which we don’t think about deep, sultry male voices and the loads and loads of sperm that always seem to travel with them. That’s why we have that phrase, “they go together like baritones and billions of tiny would-be people.” That’s a saying that all people say, and they say it so often that me saying that people say it so often is redundant. It’s like, “I know, Luis. I get it. We all get it. Dudes with deep voices have so much sperm. Just buckets of sperm cells. It’s common knowledge, perhaps because literally everyone knows that fact of life.”

Well, just because everyone knows that doesn’t mean the world of science isn’t one the scene, ready to challenge our pre-convinced notions of what it means to have a whole bunch of sperm.

A team of researchers from Australia conducted some science to determine whether a low-pitched male voice has any correlation with a high sperm count.

In short, no; having a deep voice does not mean you are so ultra-manly that you can repopulate the globe in a post-apocalyptic act of Adam and Eve-style saving-the-human-race sex. In fact, the high testosterone levels that give you that deep voice may actually be hurting your sperm count. There’s some science behind it, of course, but I didn’t reach the heights of internet comedy that I have by relying on science to explain stuff to you. So, here’s my theory on why a deep voice eradicates sperm:

The depth of the voice rattles the testicles with low frequency vibrations which, over time, shake your sperm cells to death, like a case of shaken baby syndrome that occurs long before the baby is even born.

That kind of analysis is the reason I get paid the very little amount of bucks that I get paid.

According to the study, 54 men provided voice recordings and semen samples, with an astounding 80% of them having the wherewithal to not ejaculate on microphones and speak in to their penises. I don’t know why I made that joke; it just seemed appropriate.

This finding is surprising, mostly because the article I’m getting this news from told me it’s surprising. Personally, I’ve always known that the manlier men out there were always lacking in the penis department. It’s sissy boys like me and the rest of the internet comedy writing community that have potent, sometimes even pungent, sperm cells. Together, we will create a race of snarky humans that don’t know how to change a tire or survive in any form of wilderness other than our living rooms, but goddamn, can we fill you with babies. So many. Like, 12, to put a fine point on it. We will put all the babies in you, and then we’ll write a blog about how sex is icky and freaks us out and how we wish we were had more confidence in our penises.

Meanwhile, Senior Muscles over there is pumping seedless grapes in to wombs, wondering why all the lumber he jacks and weights he lifts don’t amount to a cavalcade of children. It’s because you’re over-doing it, Bruno. Why don’t you start talking like an effeminate man-boy like the rest of us sperm rockets?