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A Guide To Black Friday Combat Tactics


Quiet…do you hear that rumbling? That’s the sound of the throngs of rabid madmen and women charging towards their nearest retail stores in an attempt to cash in on some Black Friday savings.

Are you ready? Have you looked longingly in to the eyes of your lover one last time…just in case? Have you told your eldest son that he must watch over the family for the night…and possibly forever?

If so, then you’re only half prepared to enter the war known as Black Friday. After reading this article about shopping tactics, you will be fully prepared. If you don’t read this and you go Black Friday shopping anyway, make sure you leave your home with two forms of ID and your dental records pinned to your collar. Because you’re going to be dead. You will die by the hands of a 63-year old woman that smokes 2-packs a day because you didn’t think she would disembowel you because you stepped near an iPhone case that she wanted.

Carry A Knife

It doesn’t matter what size, large or small, as long as it can puncture skin and is long enough to give a human heart a genital love tap with its pointy end. Sometimes five other people want the same blender that you want, and sometimes you have to stab some hearts for a pulse-grinding Oster.


Harm, Indiscriminately

Most humans are stupid as shit. We, as a society, would build monuments to the incredible level of stupidity exhibited by most people, but we don’t have enough smart people to build such awesome structures. Stupid people tend to bring along children to their Black Friday adventures – newborns, infants, kids under the age of five. People that are okay with walking out of a Black Friday battle with no prized possessions in hand are people that are afraid of getting their hands a little dirty. If you want some half-price DVDs and TV to watch them on, you’d better put aside this out-of-date “protect the children” mentality. The best way to go about harming children for your own personal Black Friday gain is by not viewing them as children, but rather, as pawns in a game of chess who exist solely to be slain in battle and ware down an opponent’s stamina. Now, I’m not talking about killing any kids…but if you see one near some shit that will soon be your shit, a light dropkick wouldn’t hurt.

You. A light dropkick wouldn’t hurt you, is what I meant to say.

The kid’ll probably dead, or something.


Work On Your Stomp

We’ve all seen the videos of the doors sliding opening and a mad rush of blood-thirsty loons charging in to a Target or Walmart, as if all of civilization were about to end and these bastards need all the canned beans they can grab AND THEY NEED BEANS NOW! Ultimately, someone always gets stomped, much in the same way a bull from Pamplona stomps some Spanish loser in a beret and a neckerchief.

The stomp is a great tactical tool to have in your arsenal as it acts as both a time saver and a problem eliminator. Stomping is a time saver in that, when you stomp on someone’s back or head, they will try to get you off of them by launching themselves up. This launches you with them. So this person that is dying brutally acts as a your spring board toward savings. The stomp is a problem eliminator in that in that it renders the stomped person useless; taking them out of them game entirely. You can’t grab that video game a split-second before I do if your hands have been mangled in to the form a grotesque ginger root made of fingers.


Have A Menacing Presence

If you don’t look like Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones, you’re shit out of luck and you’re not getting that $29.99 Blu Ray player you had your eye on.


The guy that looks like Kahl Drogo, on the other hand, will have seven $29.99 Blu Ray players, and if you want to get one from his stash then you’re going to have to give him some mouth pleasure for a bit, or take the life of another for his viewing pleasure.

It’s Black Friday, man. For one day, and only within the buildings and parking lots of participating retail outlets, America becomes Thunderdome. If Khal Drogo wants to watch you whisper an artichoke dip recipe in to a dog’s anus for a Blu Ray player, you’re going to whisper the finest Rachael Ray artichoke dip recipe in to that dogs rancid dog butt, and your whispers will be so soft and sweet the dog may grow fond of you and attempt to press your lips to its anus whenever it sees you.


Understand That You May Not Get Everything You Want…

…are words only uttered by the weak and those that will be forgotten by time. If you want your glory, if you want your legend to be sung by the bards from now well in to the next epoch, you will leave a trail of dead and maimed in your wake…and you shall walk out of Best Buy with that Roomba, and all will know of your bravery, all will know of your violence, and all will know that you paid half-price for a robot that cleans your house for you, like this is The Jetsons or some shit.


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