With colleges all over America starting up, we here at the Taco feel it’s important to prepare incoming freshman for the people they might meet in their University’s library.
1. DUDE LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO MASTURBATE
Everybody masturbates. But it takes a special kind of person to masturbate in a crowded library behind a row of books about the Ugandan genocide. Most of the time he stays well hidden in a low traffic area of the library, waiting for a boner to hit him like artist looking for that spark of inspiration. Then once found, he looks quickly to his right and left, jams his hands down his pants and then turns his mid section away from the center of the library, much like a baseball catcher cautiously protecting his signs from the opposing third base coach.
2. NERD WHO LEVERAGES HIS NERDNESS IN HOPES OF GETTING LAID
For those nerds who actually went to college to learn something, the time around Mid-Terms and Finals are a lot like frat parties and sporting events for other, socially normal students. It’s the only time of the school year that they get to talk to girls who aren’t wearing horn-rimmed glasses and covered in acne. So as test time rolls around, they sit in the library surrounded by spreadsheets and protractors like spiders in the middle of their web, waiting for the flies. And when the flies come, they totally blow it by photocopying all their notes, giving them to the flies and then never seeing the flies ever again.
3. SORORITY CHICK WHO LEVERAGES HER HOTNESS TO GET NERD TO DO HER HOMEWORK
Sorority chicks get a bad rap for being stupid, ditzy airheads who spend their weekends in a haze of cheap beer, bulimia and frat semen. And while all of that is true, they turn into bleach blonde Einstein-Hawkings when it comes to getting what they want from their school’s resident eggheads. Since they haven’t attended a class since 3rd grade, the sorority girls just need to show up at the library with a short skirt on, walk up to a nerd and say, “Hey Cutie, I’ve been noticing you around campus. We should totally hang out sometime. Would you mind writing this paper for me? I would toooootallly love you forever! The nerd, who’s never actually talked to a woman before, immediately starts writing the paper for what he assumes is his new girlfriend. The sorority girl, who’s “schoolwork is done, goes back to hurling up PBR and man juice at this weekend’s big game. And the university circle of life is complete.
4. PERSON TALKING ON THEiR CELL PHONE IN A WHISPER THATS LOUDER THAN NORMAL SPEAKING
These people think that because they’re speaking in a whispery voice, it doesn’t matter that that whispery voice is reaching decibal levels normally reserved for alerting people around you that you’re being raped.
Even though cell phones are not allowed in Libraries they need to “just take this one call because it’s important that they know right away that their friend Tiffany may or may not get a pesto sandwich from the cafeteria.
5. FAT OLDER LIBRARIAN WHO HATES ANYONE UNDER 50
She walks around the library much like a Nazi prison guard strolling through a concentration camps, looking for unruly Jews. Because she hasn’t experienced an orgasm in over eighteen years the sexual energy pent up in her vagina has been repurposed in the form of super human hearing, allowing her to detect the sound of a cheetos bag being opened or a non-educationally related whisper happening from over 100 yards away.
6. COUPLE WHO LOVES PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION
Watching these people is like watching the first 2 minutes of a porno, over and over again without being able to fast forward to the part where the plot is thrown out the window to allow for unencumbered nasty ass sex. These people go through all the trouble of bringing their books and notepads and everything else to the library, only to set them down immediately and start making out and grinding each other’s private parts together like they’ve got a piece of granite between them that they’re trying to sand in to chess pieces.
7. THE DRUG DEALER
Smart criminals conduct their business where it is least suspected. And who’s going to suspect that a degenerate drug hustler would be roaming the Art History section peddling shake weed and prescription narcotics? No one. Well no one except 18-22-year-olds with a pocket full of spending money, plenty of time on their hands and a searing desire for experimentation
8. DUDE WHO’S MADE A BED OUT OF ALL NEARBY FURNITURE
The constant drinking and unprotected sex of college life can be exhausting, so students need to grab their z’s wherever they can. Some people choose to lay out in the quad and do their snoozing in the sun, but some choose to get their sleep in the library. When this happens the student usually hikes one leg up on a table, tries to use a backpack as lumbar support, piles up 6 books to use as an elbow prop, and folds himself over three chairs all so he can put his head comfortably down and drool all over his laptop. Then, when something startles him awake he immediately grabs the nearest book and pretends to start reading.