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A List Of Things To Do Before The Falling Satellite Kills You

If you have plans for the weekend you may want to cancel them, or at least move them forward really quickly. There’s a chance you might get nailed with a piece of a satellite that’s going to be careening towards North America. The chances are really small, but the truth of the matter is, you should live every day like it’s your last, and now that there’s hot space metal screaming towards your apartment building, your chances of eating it early are even better. So get out there and sieze the day. The Holy Taco staff recommends the following activities, and how to recover from them, should you live through the weekend:

1. Go see the movie “Drive,” we here it’s really good. (If it’s not good, be glad when you’re alive to talk about how bad it was.

2. Drop out of college, it’s relatively pointless and expensive. (Get yelled at by your parents, re-enroll on Monday.)

3. Attempt to hook up with a long-time female friend. (Get rejected, blame the impending potential death by satellite wing.)

4. Max out your credit cards. (Doesn’t matter, even if you don’t get killed by fiery chunk of satellite, the U.S. Economy is totally done for.)

5. Tell your boss how much you hate him. (Get fired, beg for your job back on Monday, blame the overwhelming sense of impending doom for your irrational actions.)

6. Give away all your personal belongings. (When Monday rolls around, you’ll be able to buy most of it back. The stuff you can’t get back, you probably didn’t need anyway.)

7. Go on a road trip to a neighboring state. (You only have one day left, so you can’t go far.)

8. Climb a nearby mountain. (Climbing a bigger mountain would work well if your bucket list if your impending death were so nearby.)

9. Start the screenplay you’ve been putting off. (You’ll never finish it, but now you’ll have an excuse as to why — can’t finish a screenplay if you’re dying from a satellite wound.)

10. Wear a superman costume for the remainder of the weekend. (You’ve been waiting for an excuse to wear a Superman costume as an adult, so here it is. When you’re confronted about it on Monday, act as though you don’t know who Superman is. You are now Clark Kent.)

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