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A Parapalegic Losing Part of His Penis is the Most Comically Sad Story Ever

You ever hear about somebody you just pray you never, ever become? I’m not taking about rapists and murderers: just normal, everyday people who have been dealt nothing but continual 2-7 offsuit hands in the Poker Table of Life.

Minus the bluffing skills to make it work.

Meet the latest case of a guy so sad you almost have no choice but to be glad you’re not him. He’s anonymous, and for good reason: he’s suing a Quebec hospital for botched surgery on his penis that resulted in over an inch being lost. Hopefully it wasn’t an inch from the bottom.

I don’t care if you’re John Holmes — losing an inch of your manhood always makes for a bad day. Even if an hour later you win the lottery, your day is still going to suck because all you’ll be able to think about it your poor, poor mutilated peenee. Even worse is why he had to go down for surgery to begin with. Three years ago, he was having sex with his wife and somehow fractured the damn thing, probably while trying some wacky porno position that, if successful, would qualify him for the Cirque Du Soleil. He went to the hospital, and the nurse simply “made a brief visual inspection of the penis without touching it.” This is normally not the reaction a guy wants when exposing his junk to somebody else.

Unless this was the nurse.

Unfortunately, the nurse was wrong, and the penis was not OK. Months later, he was finally diagnosed with a penile fracture and went under the knife, where an inch of it went bye-bye. Since then, he claims, he hasn’t been able to have sex and his wife left him. Another sad case of a guy who forgot that fingers and tongues exist for a reason.

If that’s not bad enough, the man’s a paraplegic, being quoted as saying, “This has caused a greater impact on my life than when I lost the use of my legs.” If this guy’s story is real, then he is officially the saddest non-homeless man alive. No legs, a teeny-weeny weenie, a wife that abandoned him for somebody who isn’t Halfy from South Park — I feel like the Prime Minister of Canada should pass an Executive Order requiring everybody to give this guy a great big hug, because he clearly needs it.

What’s even worse (yes, there is an “even worse” in this case) is that it didn’t have to be this way. There was a guy just last year who suffered a botched penis surgery and ended up with an eight-month erection. He’s suing, because that’s just what people do, but as long as you stay away from playgrounds, schools, churches, supermarkets, the mall, Burger King, or anywhere else with people, how in the world could that be a bad thing? Unless the cat mistakes it for a swatty toy that is.

Or if he jumps on your lap at absolutely the wrong time

If everything’s on the up-and-up, hopefully this guy gets his money and moves on with his legless, chopped-up-hot-dog life. Because if he does what some other dude did, and mail a bomb to the doctors who fucked up his hoo-hoo-dilly, having no legs and no penis will take a giant back seat to having no freedom.

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