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A Vagina Like a Clown Car

Heroin_Money

In clown parlance, cramming a bunch of stuff in to a small space is commonly referred to as a Clown Car. In Dungeons and Dragons vernacular the Bag of Holding is probably the best analog. In the world of heroin dealing, it’s called a Karin’s Poon.

Before we begin discussing the exploits of Karin Mackaliunas’ poon, we must first discuss the great depths of Karin Mackaliunas’ poon. For starters, it’s so vast and expansive that astrophysicists theorize it may contain a wormhole to heroin dens in other dimensions. It’s so deep it has its own molten core that humans can live near after the machines rise and scorch the skies. Karin has such an impressively deep, wide and long vagina that she was actually able to hide (although, not for long) 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8 1/2 prescription pills and $51.22 from police officers…in her hefty bag-esque vagina.

Let’s break that down:

Here’s a picture of what we can assume is an averaged sized packet of heroin.

That’s, what, and inch? Maybe an inch and a half? How thick would you say that is? We say roughly a quarter of an inch. So that’s about an inch and a half long, quarter inch thick. Now go grab a calculator and multiply that by 54. We’ll wait…

Okay, now look at you calculator and see if your final total matches ours: this chick has a vagina like a Mexican drug mule’s asshole.

On top of the stuffed packets of heroin were 31 empty bags, and we’re just going to go ahead and assume when the word bag is used it is in reference to tiny packets like the one pictured above, and not the ones that line the trash bins of a high school cafeteria.

Next up is 8 ½ prescription pills. To put this in perspective, cram 54 Sweet-n-Low packets in your mouth. Then cram 31 strips of plastic wrap in there as well. After that, see if you can get more than 3 M&Ms in there without vomiting. Finally, quickly sniff some freshly cracked black pepper. Aaaaand now you are filled with the same fear of sneezing that Karin was.

Then we have the 51 dollars. Why 51? Because 52 would have exploded her baby slot. If I were the police officer in charge of slipping those moist, sloppy dollar bills out of her cooter, I would have made sure to first cram my ATM card in Karin’s mouth, tweak her nipples, then watch the cash just pour out. Also, our resident Holy Taco scientist tells us that if you exposed Karin’s cash-filled vagina and then punched her in the stomach, it would have looked like a homebrew version of one of those money chambers that create a whirlwind of cash.

And finally, the 22 cents. Now, this could have pushed the boundaries of her vagina’s non-baby carrying capacity, depending on the series of coins that made up the 22 cents. If it was 2 dimes and 2 pennies, that’s 4 coins total. Not too much of a load to bear. But the structural integrity of her vaginal walls begins to compromise when the 22 cents is represented by 4 nickels and 2 pennies; a 6 coin total.  We know that her vagina wasn’t filled with 22 pennies because, as far as we know, her vagina did not burst, like a sack of Halloween candy after trick-or-treating through a retirement community. Although, it would have been wonderful if it did and she just so happened to be near a homeless man begging for change.

“Do you have any spare change?”

[sloppy poots followed by the sound of a slot machine payout]

If the whole drug dealing thing doesn’t work out for Karin (which it clearly has not), then she should look at the bright side and understand that she can always get a job at an arcade circa 1986 making change for kids that want to play Galaga.

3 Responses to "A Vagina Like a Clown Car"

  1. Wilford Brimley's Monkey says:

    this was the interior semiotics girl right?

    don’t google that.