If a Jigsaw-like serial murderer kidnapped you and posed you with this very simple question, how would you respond?
Which is more important to you, Facebook or using the toilet to do whatever it is you do with toilets?
Seems like a simple question, right? Clearly, Facebook is more important, because you can take a dump on the sidewalk, take a picture of it, and post it to Facebook; thus garnering yourself a greater ephemeral sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when your friends comment on it and “Like” it, as opposed to the old timey tactile satisfaction of a boring old toilet flush.
If the paragraph above sounds almost exactly like your way of thinking, then you are very much like a majority of the 3,000 adult respondents in a study conducted by London’s Science Museum, who ranked Facebook as more important than a toilet that can flush away the crimes against humanity you dropped in it.
Apparently, to many people being able to not live in an environment composed entirely of your own fecal waste is exactly 4-spots behind Facebook on the list of life’s most important things. Being able to play Farmville and lurk on to the profiles of hot chicks you knew in high school is more important than not being able to constantly smell your rotting insides. The smell of dead and decomposed things is just something you put up with when you enjoying living in a world where you can give a digital thumbs-up to a Lady Gaga lyric someone posted as a status update.
Here are the top-ten responses from the list of things people couldn’t live without:
2. Internet connection
3. Clean drinking water
9. Flushing toilet
10. Mobile phone / smartphone
As you can see, life giving sunshine just barely beat out the internet, while clean water (without which we wouldn’t be able to live for more than a couple of days) placed third behind the internet (without which you wouldn’t be able to find out you liked internet more than water).
With this information, we can now officially create these comparison equations.
Flushing Toilet > Smartphone < Email
Translation: Humans believe that a flushing toilet is better than a smartphone, but a smartphone is not as great as Email, which can be accessed on a smartphone. Sadly, we cannot yet shit in to smartphones.
Facebook > National Health Service > Flushing Toilet
Translation: Humans (in this case English humans) believe that Facebook is better than the National Health Service, but the National Health Service is better than a Flushing Toilet. This is probably because if you don’t have a flushing Toilet, at least the medical costs you incur due to your intense bacterial infections and E. coli poisoning will be paid for by the government.
If we move farther down the list we find that…
Tea and Coffee > Light Bulbs
Translation: Edison can suck it.
Disposable Diapers < Makeup
Translation: Looking pretty is more important when picking out a mate than the stench of your festering shit-smeared pantaloons during a bout of dysentery.
If the fact that humans find non-essential items more important than relatively essential items makes you depressed, then you’re in luck, because according to the study pain killers are more important to us than fresh fruit, shoes, air conditioning, and freezers. So when you’re riddled with scurvy as you wander around this scorching earth with broken glass in your feet and without preserved food to eat, you can always down a fist-full of Vicodins to melt away all of your troubles. Like we do now, even with all of those things.