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According To Science, WiFi Kills Sperm. To Put It Another Way, WiFi Is A Contraceptive

laptop-use-sperm-quality

If you and your lady have been trying to have a baby but your sperm just isn’t finding its way to the egg, then you should probably stop having sex while amid the invisible fog of your home’s WiFi connection and you should probably stop ejaculating while you have your laptop rested on your lovely lady’s back as you catch up on episodes of House on Hulu.

A team of Argentinian scientists at the Nascentis Center for Reproductive Medicine in Cordoba, Argentina got their hands on some WiFi and some sperm, as all men are want to do on a thrice daily basis, and they performed some science all over that shit. Their conclusion?

WiFi kills sperm!

Everybody panic NOW!

According to their research, when a drop of healthy sperm was placed under a laptop connected to WiFi and was kept there for four hours, 25% of the sperm had stopped moving and 9% showed signs of DNA damage. This is sad news for any and all baby-crazed female vagrants that troll public library computers for any residual seed left behind by chronic public masturbators. Lady vagrants, if you want that baby that badly, you’re going to have to take some of that left-over sperm early. And bring a baster. That last one is more of a reminder to use common sense when you impregnate yourself with the sperm of a stranger left behind at a library computer.

When the researchers placed a drop of sperm beneath a laptop that was not connected to WiFi the sperm retained its vitality.

In all, the big thing to take away from all of this is, when WiFi goes anywhere new your package it kills your swimmers, which suddenly makes the guy using the Wifi at Starbucks to write his screenplay even less sexually appealing than he already was, which is incredible considering how truly fascinating his story about a the trials and tribulations of an albino paraplegic homosexual with polio living in Nebraska is.

This news is disheartening to say the least, especially for me, seeing as my genitals are almost always situtated near my laptop, my desktop computer, my PS3, my tablet PC, my smart phone, and my MiFi box, which turns my genitals in to a moving WiFi hotspot. And with all of those gadgets and gizmos churning out so much heat, my crotch is a literal hot spot. You can roast marshmallows off of the fierce heat emanating off my genitals. You wouldn’t want to eat those marshmallows, though, because all that heat makes my package a bit gamey. Like hot chum.

So, clearly, I’ve accepted the downsides of my need to have all my wireless devices wirelessly connected at the same time and around my testicles, namely the dick chum thing, but now tech-savvy go-getters like me will not be able to spawn. And if I can’t spawn, then how will I be able to pass on my knowledge to future generations?

I know! I’ll write a blog post about it!

Let me just get my laptop…

laptop-on-lap

Aaaaand…oh, wait.

I felt a great disturbance in my shorts, as if millions of tiny sperm voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.

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