Even the greatest evil the world has ever seen needs a few days to relax, unwind, let his hair down, and contemplate his next move. Such is the situation Adolf Hitler found himself in March of 1932 when he wrote a letter requesting that he be granted a leave of absence so that he may prepare for his presidential campaign. When he wrote the letter, Hitler had only been a German citizen for a few days, as his position as a junior administrator for the state of Brunswick automatically qualified him for citizenship. So soon after he landed the job, he immediately asked for time off. I knew Hitler was a terrible guy, but I didn’t realize he was a real lazy prick, too.
Hitler went on to lose the presidential race to incumbent Paul von Hindenburg, but, well, if you’ve watched the History Channel for any amount of time you know what happened next.
One notable feature of the letter is the amount of typos and misspellings within it, especially considering that there’s a very good chance Hitler typed it himself.
The document is soon going to be auctioned off in England, but only small portions of its text have been released to the public…until now. I feel that prospective buyers should know what they’re paying big bucks for before they actually pay those big bucks. As a service to history buffs with deep pockets, I have obtained and will now present you with the full text of Hitler’s historic letter for all to read.
To Wham It May Concern,
Hi. My name is Adolf. I’m but a lowly junior administrator with lofty goals and big dreams. I remember being only 8 years of age when I took to a painting canvas and doodled a picture of myself as I led the German people to glory! I was a dreamer then, much as I am now.
As a junior administrator, I feel held back. I am the proverbial big fish in a little pond. I feel I am capable of doing so much moer. When I look to the current leaders of our glorious land I can’t help but feel their not doing the Germain people justice. This is why I, Adolf Hitler, would like to request a few days off from my duties so that I may plan a campagine to run for president.
I know what you’re thinking: “But Adolf! Youve only worked a couple of days and your already asking for time off?!” Yes, I say. I care so dearly for my country that I can not contain my ambition. I do not wish to see Germnay fall in to the jews of moral decay. Did I say “jews”? I meant jaws. Like a mouth. These damn typewriters. You have to be so perfect with them or else you sound like an imbicel. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes! The jews. We have to clamp them down so they may not rot our society.
Did I say jews again? I meant to say jews – jaws! I meant to saw jaws!
I have big plans for my presidential run. I plan to make the streets safe for Germain citizens. I plan to make taxes less taxing (you just got a small taste of one of my wonderful campaign slogans). And I promise that I will somehow find a way to ensure that every germain citizen has the luscious blonde hair they’ve always wanted. As I said earlier, my goals are lofty, but I believe they are achievable. I also plan to grow a powerful mustache, but my facially-specific alopecia will certainly make things difficult.
All I need to accomplish this goal is some time off. I just need one or forty days to sit back and decide if this truly is something I want to do. You won’t even know I’m gone. Honestly, this job is a bit of a joke. The senior administrator does most of the work. All I do is answer phones. As president, I will cut the fat from the governemtn and ensure that redundant jobs are exterminated, along with some other things.
P.S. – My name is actually Hitler, not Hitlet. Hitlet is my midget cousin.