Before we get to work every day here at Holy Taco we usually try to entertain ourselves with the most random and obscene things we can find on the internet. This little game usually boils down to us finding pictures of naked people who should not be naked and other kinds of horrors along the same lines. After a while, we developed a game wherein we type random words in to Google to see which one of us could find the strangest things the internet had to offer that day based off of our search queries.
To play the game, we used a random word generator to churn out a random clean word. We then combine this random word with the results of a random curse word generator that we love dearly due to the ridiculous curse words it spits out. Never once in the history of man has anyone ever called someone else a snot bagel or a piss tweeter. Well, maybe there’s a golden shower fetish site with a Twitter page whose team of micro-bloggers call themselves the piss tweeters, but even that’s stretching it.
We take the random words, plug them in to the Google search bar, and then try to find the single strangest/most disgusting/entertaining website link and the single strangest/most disgusting/entertaining picture.
In the end, we usually find something so disturbing that we all part ways for about ten minutes, completely unable to look at each other because the shame glimmering off our bodies radiates like the blinding power of a star going supernova.
We are now happy to present today’s Google Searching Adventure to you. Today’s words are Comprehensive C*ck Beef.
Are we below the article break? Good. The starred word is Cock. It’s cock, everyone. Just letting you know it is cock.
Anyway, Comprehensive Cock Beef brings to mind the mental image of a rather hearty penis – robust and very set in its ways – lecturing dryly, and at great length, on an academic subject. Maybe something historical, like irrigation systems during the Roman Empire.
Sadly, that’s not what we got. The most memorable page in the lot was a forum board discussion over at AudiWorld.com with the topic heading of “The most comprehensive vagina nickname list in the world!”
AudiWorld.com: a place for both fans of fine German automobile engineering and creative synonyms for pussy.
The post – written by AudiWorld.com user gh0st – was originally written way back in March of 2003; a time when we were all so innocent and naïve, and only knew a handful of ways to reference female reproductive organs. But thanks to gh0st and his impeccable research and/or vulgar imagination, today we call vaginas a bunch of stuff like quim, Black Hole of Calcutta, Rooster Jaws, Sausage Wallet, Yo Yo Smuggler, Calamari Cockring, Wilt Chamberlain’s Daily Glove, the Twatlantic Ocean, Stench Trench, and, of course, the incomparable Sea Food Six Pack.
In the post, there are some words that, like the word Cock in this article’s title, are starred out. We assume this is done to preserve the integrity of vaginas. Sure, you can mention a series of increasingly insane nicknames for them, like The Indoor Barbecue and Salami Garage, but, please, have some respect. Babies come out of there. No need to disrespect such a sacred area with filthy language. Republic of Labia pushes the boundaries enough as it is, and Pastrami Flaps is crossing the line in terms of taste, but no curse words. Have some class for Christ’s sake.
Ultimately, the most peculiar thing about the site is this is a site dedicated to Audi owners. Audis aren’t cheap. So gh0st is presumably an older guy, maybe a couple of kids in their late 20s or early 30s, and he’s probably a powerful and well respected lawyer/doctor/investment banker…who takes time out of his busy business day, in between brokering huge deals with overseas corporations and giving presentations to important CEOs, to share with his fellow Audi-owning buddies an impressive array of different things to call vaginas. It would be no surprise if this guy was working at a financial institution that later swapped derivatives and sold people sub-prime mortgages.
There were tons and tons of pictures of dicks. So many, in fact, that dicks have lost their meaning to us. Like when you say a word a bunch of times over and it starts to sound like nonsense after awhile. That’s what dicks are – pure nonsense. But this picture caught our eye. It’s an old timey diagram of a fashionable man pumping his wiener with a penis pump.
The device probably had a name like Professor Hinkleprink’s Phallic Revitalizer, and it probably promised to cure your schlong of its maladies and dreariness.