Apparently America hates certain people so much that we as a nation have decided to officially rank the worst of the worst. It’s like a social Most Wanted list. The government has their list of terrorists, and we citizens have a list of pseudo-celebrity asshats that we would punch very hard if given the opportunity.
Why do we make these kinds of lists? It’s hard to say, really. I guess to rally us all together in to one driving force of an idea in these times of divisive debate. Taxes? You’ve got tons of differing opinions. Casey Anthony? One unified opinion: pummel her with stones.
We don’t like seeing people tossed to on lists like these, becoming public enemy #1. So, we’re going to give the follow 10 folks some advice on how to improve their public image.
You know, Casey, I don’t want to toss a harsh label on you, especially one that you have been legally cleared of; but you should strongly – very strongly – consider not killing children and then partying afterwards like the child was your office and killing it was your TGIF moment. Also, let’s face this fact: the only reason your case got so huge was because you’re pretty and your daughter was adorable. There have been plenty of harsher cases of motherly murder out there, but yours was the most marketable and the easiest to look at.
You should take a sincerely long look at your own existence; discover what your role in the world is. Ask yourself, “Is there more to me than simply being the albino ape that is followed by today’s modern equivalent to National Geographic videographers, MTV reality show cameramen?” If the answer you arrive to is no, then move to the Himalayas, find a herd of goats and become their lord. Your white, wispy-haired visage will have them convinced you were once just like them…and then you evolved in to a higher state of goat consciousness.
Realize that you got famous for doing something literally billions of people in the history of the world have done (childbirth), and they never became famous for it.
Resurrect Leslie Neilson and make more Naked Gun movies. And then catch a football and run it back for a touchdown on the moon.
Mid-life crisis’ are tough. We assume. No one working here has reached middle age, so we don’t know what it feels like to hit the middle of your life and realize that the biggest impact you’ve made is turning your very large family in to a circus sideshow that acts like your own, personal perpetual money-making machine. We have no idea what it’s like to turn your desperately sad life in to a reality TV show and a goldmine for tabloids. Suggestion: don’t film or be filmed as you live through your own life’s misery.
Levi, you’re like a fly that hovers around the rank ass of a Triple Crown winning race horse…just replace “Triple Crown winning race horse” with “media whoring backwoods yokels.”
Sandra Bullock stuff aside, the world simply has no need for a guy that has the power to turn cars in to bigger, dumber cars.
Sometimes people that were born in to wealth get a bad rap for being handed everything on a silver platter and never having to earn and work to reach the lofty heights of success that you have. So you f*cked a guy and got ultra-famous and richer. There is no hope for you.
There really isn’t a reason you’re on this list. You just creepy people out. When you hear the phrase “Hollywood Madam” you don’t expect to see the After picture from a Faces of Meth ad.
Because all of humanity’s worst and most base instincts, the ones we as a society have been fighting to rid ourselves of for so long, thrive on your show like a petri dish of viral bacteria that’s been left out in the sun. And that’s why we listen and laugh every morning.