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America Doesn’t Have the World’s Fattest Kids…But We’re Pretty Damn Close

(Off to a great start.)

We’re number 5! We’re number 5!

Take our adoration of Honey Boo-Boo and the adorable fat sidekick in damn near every child-themed movie and TV show in the past half-century, combine it with your average 11-year-old’s steady diet of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and ice cream sandwiches, and it would come as no surprise if the good ol’ U.S. of A. actually did have the chunkiest-ass kids on the planet.

Buuuuut, turns out we don’t have that distinction. We’re not even in the top three.

The Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) — yeah, I never heard of it either — conducted a study in which it ranked the United States fifth in child obesity, with 30 percent of boys and girls tipping the scales and making for choice dodgeball targets. Greece and Italy are at the head of the pack, which is too bad considering both countries’ output of hot women may dwindle in the next generation.

The study revealed that the countries with the largest child obesity rates all suffer from economic downturns that caused household budgets to go kerplooie, meaning families can’t really afford good, nutritious vittles and are instead feeding their children shit out of frozen food section boxes. I get that, but I also think there’s something to be said for chronic fucking laziness: I can’t speak for other countries, but when you consider the number of Americans who are averse to breaking a sweat, it should come as no surprise that the OECD still has us at the highest overall obesity rate — 35 percent compared the national 18.4 percent average.

That’s a lot of premature heart disease and high medical bills burdening the taxpayers…not to mention a whole lot of “Xs” on clothes sizes and rank stenches in public places as a result of belly fold-washing negligence. People, do us all a favor: Don’t let your damn kids get fat.

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