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American Idol Recap: The Finale

I know what you’re thinking – “Ian, can I undress and feed you chicken wings?”  The answer is a resounding yes.  And while we do that let me explain something to you – American Idol is, as far as I know, still on TV.  I set out this year with a mission, and by that I mean I caught the first episode of American Idol’s new season on a whim and decided I would do episode recaps for you.  Why?  Because I used to read Paul Tompkins’ recaps of Idol and they were funny.  But he is a professional and I am just me.  I don’t have the balls.  So I’m going to recap the final episode of American Idol, which I assume will air in April or some shit, and just save all of us the trouble of having to endure this whole season of terrible TV.

Nicki Minaj showed up dressed like Ray Liotta giving birth to a squash blossom.  Mariah Carey fell asleep about 10 minutes into the opening credit/recap of last week’s episode fiasco and no one bothered to disturb her.  Randy Jackson stared with unmasked malice at everyone in attendance and Joe Jonas or whoever that guy is just sat there smiling in a tight t-shirt.  Ryan Seacrest dared you to punch his winning smile as stacks of money and poontang fell all around him.

Ford commercial.

Only two contestants remain, Generica Montrose and Averagio, the Italian Stallion.  But before we find out who America voted for a record 345,653,223,456,219,740,301 times, let’s look back over their journey.

Ford commercial.

Cue up the Sarah Maclachlan as we see little Generica on her first day of auditions.  Oh my God, it seems so long ago.  But she was confident.  She had star quality, Nicki Minaj even said so!  Oh God, what a roller coaster.  Then there were more eliminations rounds and the time she was in the bottom three OH MY GOD IT WAS SO SCARY!  But then here’s her family and they’re so supportive.  The whole town of Twat Waddle, Louisiana where Generica comes from is out to support here. The mayor declared June 16 Generica day!  Oh God it’ so heartwarming.  Isn’t your heart warm?  Is it warm?  Mmm, yeah.  Like spicy chili.

Ford commercial.

Then we go to Averagio.  He’s a single dad.  His baby has herpes.  He works 15 jobs to buy herpes medication and his mom helps out too, but she only has one arm and one leg and they’re on the same side so she falls over a lot.  But he’s a good kid.  He used to play guitar in public bathrooms.  He played in private bathrooms, too.  He plays the shit out of that guitar.  Back home in Toledo, he’s a local celebrity and the mayor doesn’t give a shit about him but a few local bars aggravate the regulars by putting on American Idol instead of sports.

Ford commercial.

What a crazy journey it’s been.  Look at all these Idol hopefuls who didn’t make it.  Let’s enjoy them as they sing a little musical montage together, it’s so awesome!  Wooo!!  Oh man, the Beatles and LMFAO were made to be together when you think about it, and then a little bit of Carly Rae Jepsen for flavor.  Yeah, this is a good song.  This song should be on Glee.  It will be, next week.

Ford commercial.

Let’s check in with the judges, what do they think of this season and our two finalists?  Mariah Carey is still asleep, she doesn’t give a shit.  Jason Mraz thinks they’re both great and he also likes milk and the color beige.  Randy Jackson thinks they’ve been pitchy dawg and yo, it’s been a wild ride and dawg and pitch and feelin’ it and what up and the producers just cut off his mic.  Ford commercial. Nicki Minaj thinks she’s still better than they are and that they have a lot of feeling in their singing and that she’s completely and utterly unqualified to give any kind of professional, constructive and worthwhile criticism to anyone, anywhere at any time.

Ford commercial.

At this point we can now enjoy a duet with our two finalists.  It is staggeringly sappy.

Ford commercial.

And now it’s time for the results.  Seacrest in!  The music is tense and we draw this out into 10 solid minutes of literally nothing.

Ford commercial.

And we’re back.  Seacrest smiles and vaginas blossom all around.  And the winner is Generica OH MY GOD WHAT A WONDERFUL JOURNEY SHE’S ABOUT TO BEGIN AND DON’T WORRY AVERAGIO BECAUSE YOUR SUBPAR ALBUM WILL COME OUT FIST OH MY GOD WE LOVE YOU ALL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR AMERICA!

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