Very soon, like probably next week soon, America will change forever. I’m not talking about some radical amendment to the constitution, or a declaration of war. I’m talking about a world-altering union of two of this country’s greatest superpowers — Olive Garden and Red Lobster. That’s right, soon Flagler County Florida will be home to a monument in this great nation’s history! Breadsticks or Cheddar Bay Biscuits? How about both! You’re living in the promise-land, friends. Why stop here, I say? Two is just not enough for the average American’s appetite for options. Which is why I’m presenting to you a revolutionary new dining experience I’ve deemed “America Eats!”. If things go according to my plan, I’ll this new mega-restaurant in every major city by 2015, and you’ll all be too fat to stop me!
Imagine you’re on vacation. You’ve got your entire family there, in-laws included. Maybe twelve people all together? Quite a herd. You’ve just spent the bulk of your day at the beach swimming with your shirts on and now everyone is famished! You want to go out to eat but where do you go? Everyone is undecided. Aunt Laura wants to go to Applebee’s, your kids want Pizza Hut, Grandma wants Hometown Buffet, and your nephew is insisting that everyone go somewhere decent that’s not a franchise restaurant. You quickly disregard your nephew because he’s obviously a socialist, then you try and figure out how you’re going to please this hungry clan!
I’m about to give you the most fantastic solution to your dining dilemma — you’re going to win over that hostile crowd by taking the whole gang to a conveniently located, reasonably priced “America Eats!” franchise. Let me walk you through the experience:
You walk in, you’re greeted by a sort of attractive twenty-something hostess who leads you to a table car, where you and your entire family sit around a large circular table with cushy, comfy bench seats. No menus necessary, and your silverware and napkins are placed in a large bucket towards the center of the table car. It’s convenient that way. Everyone signs a standard liability waiver which will make sure America Eats is not held responsible for any food poisoning, diabetes, depression, or general regret that may come as a result of eating here.
Drinks? Of course. On your table you will find sixty-four ounce glasses with ice in them. Simply choose your drink from the soda fountain located in the center of your table car. Refills are free and encouraged!
Your table car begins to move slowly towards your first station. Which we’re calling “App-town!” Take your pick of appetizers from one of fifteen American franchises. Applebee’s jalapeno poppers your favorite, second only to Outback’s bloomin’ onion? Well, guess what, friend. You can have them both and take two, because they’re small, and there’s no limit. But let me warn you, you’re going to want to leave room because you’ve got a lot of ground to cover between App-town and Dessert Island! (Stop drooling, more about that later!)
You’ve crushed a few quesadillas and made short work out of a bucket full of ‘tater skinz and you’re still feeling empty inside, so now what?! You’re about to run the gauntlet of pre-entree/post-appetizer options, that’s what! First up is “Salad City” — A salad bar that includes your choice of signature salads from establishments such as Olive Garden, Longhorn and the Cheesecake Factory. The best part is, you can customize your salad by grabbing a handful of bits from our bacon bucket then topping it off with a little dressing from the Hidden Valley Ranch hose located between the soda fountain and the gravy dispenser!
Alright, entree time! Finally. Just go ahead and open your pants now because you’re going to feel really American when you’re in the middle of a food orgy. You may find it difficult to divide your attention between a Red Lobster Admiral’s feast, an Olive Garden tour of Italy and a Jack Daniel’s steak and shrimp feast from T.G.I. Friday’s! These colors don’t run, or get full!
Ready for dessert? I sure hope so, because “Dessert Island” is the next stop on this epic food-venture! Apple Pie from Cracker Barrel, cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory and all of Baskin Robbins’ 32 flavors are just the beginning you may want to slow the table car down for this one — We’ll fry anything you want! That’s right. You know what’s good? a piece of Oreo pie. You know what’s better? A piece of fried Oreo pie. You’re welcome!
Your three hour edible odyssey has finally come to an end, but our staff is still looking out for you. The second to last stop on your ride, just before the cash register, is the bathroom. Your table car will stop outside our incredibly large restroom facility so you can let loose before the car ride home!
An enjoyable dining experience? That’s an understatement. Your entire family will go back home satisfied and full, and they’ll be talking about the experience for the rest of their lives! If you’re interested in investing in the restaurant of the future, please contact our editors.
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Red Lobster and Olive Garden are both (failing…IMO) Darden restaurants. They’re both pretty awful. One is basically microwave seafood (not to mention, too much salt) and the other is microwave Italian (not to mention, too much fat). However, you could see a Seasons 52 combined with a Bahama Breeze or a Longhorn combined with a Capital Grille, but you probably won’t see things outside of these Darden brands. Or everything will be a Taco Bell…like in Demolition Man.
That nephew needs to be eliminated as should all socialists. Damn democraps! Wake up America, we’re at the verge of becoming a Commie Banana Republic and all because of those damn Marxist, Marxian (I’m too uncultured to know the difference between the two) beliefs.
Republican for life.
Dwight K agrees
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