If there’s one thing in life that isn’t a train wreck, it’s not Amy Winehouse. She’s a complete train wreck. Or is she? She is. But she gracefully accepted our invitation to tell readers how they can glam up their lives the Amy Winehouse way. And doing normal, every day tasks like Amy Winehouse is so simple you won’t know how you managed to go this long not doing them!
Sleeping In: Start your day all snug in bed, or on a hardwood floor, and wake up refreshed after a night of fevered vodka dreams and the shakes!
Bathe: Hop in the surf to let fish pee and Gulf oil wash your grimy undercarriage to a gritty shine.
Freshen Up: Better put on some deodorant, you’re going to be working hard today and don’t want to offend those who don’t relish the bouquet of vodka and cocaine panic sweat.
Oral Hygiene: Did you brush your teeth? Better have a friend check to make sure you got all the crack rocks out of the gaps.
Skin Care: Proactiv worked for Jessica Simpson, it can work for you too. She used to get burned by cigarettes, right?
Get Pretty: Time to put on that makeup so you’re ready to meet the world. Hello, world! Why are you running away?
Get Dressed: Hike up those ill-fitting clothes over your Shrek-ian form wherever you may have found yourself naked.
Limber Up: You have a lot of batshit crazy things to do, don’t want to pull a muscle.
Exercise: A morning jog will do you good and get the blood pumping to all those ribs.
Picnic: Is it lunch time already? Why not enjoy the outdoors?
Off to Market: Go out and get some shopping done, you need to stock up on the essentials.
Read: It’s good to be well informed. Just dn’t get caught stealing that magazine: Ha ha ha…ahh.
Dinner: Man, it’s getting late. Get yourself a healthy meal. Remember to chew onthe side that has molars.
Taking Care of Business: Uh oh, is dinner pushing lunch out? Butt scooting works for dogs, it’ll work for you, too.
Clean Up: May as well tidy up since you just left a skid on the floor.
Family Time: Why not relax with the little ones and just enjoy each other? And vodka couldn’t hurt.
Back to Sleep: It’s been a long day, time to curl up in the back of a car for some night terrors and panic shits, just like when you were a kid.