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An Open Letter to the Nude Sculpture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez

Hey nude sculpture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.  How are you?  Nude, obviously, but otherwise, is everything good?  I’m good too.  I just want you to know I’ve been thinking about you.  Not because of our past or anything, you’re pretty new.  No, I’ve been thinking about you because no one wants to mention that you have a goose humping an armadillo at your feet.  Or question why you even exist. Nude sculpture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, why do you exist?

I understand you were made by one of those pretentious ass hat artists, an artists whose previous work includes a sculpture of Paris Hilton being autopsied and Britney Spears giving birth, and that he thinks his work has a point and isn’t provocative for the sake of being provocative, that’s the kind of thing hack artists have to think or they’ll just go to the beach and lay down in the tide.  I also understand the goose symbolizes Canada where Bieber is from and the armadillo symbolizes Texas where Gomez is from, but is the point of you that Bieber humps Gomez?  I think we all get that.


Nude Sculpture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, I want to thank you for leading to the 20 minute conversation I had to have to explain what you were and why I was looking at you to a coworker who naturally assumed I was a depraved art perv who wanks to nudie bronze smut. Once someone sees a naked boy-child and reads the words “Justin Bieber” on your monitor, it’s hard to really back pedal to a safe, sane and non-terrifying place.  Frankly I don’t think they believed a word I said and I will likely be hearing from HR before this article goes live on the site.


Why does Justin Bieber have Bruce Lee’s haircut?  I don’t remember that happening to the non-bronze Bieber.  And by non-bronze I, of course, mean Flesh Bieber.  For with the sun dappling his delicate, Canadian flesh, he too is a bronze Bieber.  Also if his liver failed, he might qualify for the same nickname.


I know you probably don’t know why your sculptor decided to make you guys share a leg, especially with the hump implication, or why his symbolism is more ham fisted than a gluttonous troll gorging itself at a pig farm, but I’d like you to think about it, and think about why you even qualify as news.  Did you know there’s a deadly riot still raging in the UK right now?  Did you know serial killer Anthony Sowell was just sentenced to death for murdering 11 women?  Did you know Rebecca Black had to drop out of school because of bullies?


Nude sculpture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, I don’t want to write about you.  I didn’t want to know you exist, but you’re so goddamn full of SEO goodness it would be poor business to not talk about you, and that makes me sad in my soul.  And I hope, under your Lone Star and Maple Leaf, your bronze genitals tightened up just a little bit with the realization that you stole this space from something, anything, everything more important.

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