It looks like you have been officially crowned the most obese state in the union for the year of 2011, which makes this your 7th successful title defense. If you were a professional sports team, that would be wonderful news that would surely solidify your place among the greatest sports franchises of all time, across all sports. But that isn’t quite the case. Instead of having the honor of being great at myriad of other things, you guys have consistently proven time and time again that you are at your best when you’re struggling to breath as you claw your way out of a recliner.
Mississippi, we understand your love for all things fatty, greasy, and heart disease-y, but it’s gotten to the point of embarrassment. For all of us. 34.4% of your population is obese; meaning 65.6% of your population is not. If life were high school and weight were worth a grade, you’d have a D right now and your teacher would be requesting that you be moved to the special needs classes with the kids that aren’t mentally challenged but can’t function normally. So, I guess you can be happy about the fact that you aren’t exactly classified as retarded in this metaphor.
You’re not the only one to blame, though, Mississippi. It seems even our thinnest state, Colorado, which has a 19.8% obesity rate, would have been the most obese state in America if this were 1995. In other words, we’ve all gotten much fatter in the past 16 years, and today’s thinnest state would have been yesterday’s fattest.
But here’s the thing, Mississippi: you have a really shitty reputation. You do. Don’t deny it. In the 2008 documentary Prom Night In Mississippi, it was shown that even in 2008, the year America elected its first black president, you still had segregated high school proms. So in the year 2008, you had segregated high school proms and you were the fattest state in America. In 2008 you were a state of fat, lazy racists. The only reason you stopped segregating proms, and schools in general, was because a federal judge ordered you to comply with a 40-year-old law that stated — and I’m paraphrasing here – “Stop being a bunch of racist assholes.”
In another study that was also released today, a study that ranked each state by how well its schools prepare students for careers in the fields of science and engineering, you scored a 1.1 on a 1-to-5 scale, which puts you dead last. So this means you’re obese, racist, and unintelligent.
This all amounts to one thing, Mississippi: clean up your f*cking act. Now. It’s states like you that makes the rest of us look like Neanderthals to the rest of the world. Maybe try eating a salad a couple times a week and go for a jog on occasion. Maybe look at a black person with something else other than hate. Maybe read a book that wasn’t written by a Fox News pundit, maybe even one that was written by a scientist. Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin is a good place to start.
But not all is bad. For instance, the name of your state, Mississippi, is really fun to spell. It’s lyrical and has a jaunty rhythm to it. And when the Westboro Baptist Church came to your state to protest the funeral of a fallen solider, your citizens took it upon themselves to beat the shit out of them. That may not be the best thing to do in a democracy that covets freedom of speech, but goddamn it, you’re not going to find many people complaining, especially us.
So you have some stuff to work with. You’re not a total loss. You still have plenty of time before you spiral down in to a chaotic wreck. There’s still hope.
Of course, this is all a broad generalization. Not every citizen of your state falls in to the three categories of failure mentioned above. 65.6% of you are a healthy weight. Some of you probably look at black people with respect and dignity and as equals. Some of you are probably super-geniuses that put most of us to shame.
Ultimately, we’re pulling for the collective idea of Mississippi. We just hope you have enough muscle strength to pull yourself up a little as well.