S’up? You guys just hanging out? That’s cool. Pretty def, huh? And maybe phat? Yeah. So listen, I don’t want to come off sounding like a square adult, or some kind of unhip shitbird (kids still say that, right?) but I need you to be prepared for what’s coming. You’ve got Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, Shia LaBeouf and who knows how many others and they all sort of turned into hat might best be described as preposterous human train wrecks. In that list alone you have broken marriages, drug abuse, enough alcohol to kill a circus worth of elephants, DUIs, cutting, oral sex on a balcony, bar fights and just so much shame. So much.
I want you to not be angry when 1 year olds don’t care about you any more. And when that, in turn, means the studio doesn’t care about you. Disney needs to make you into a one person entertainment genre. That’s why you have a show, and then you’ll start singing and make some made for TV movies. You need to be a brand so you can be on backpacks and posters and jerkied beef packages. And like one of your fans with a Capri sun pouch they will suck you dry until every viable, tasty droplet is expunged and you are a wrinkled, shiny husk.
I think this is why so many of your forerunners crashed and burned, the idea of being used for so long, being a living cartoon if you will, just became too much. You are, after all, a real person, right? You want to party with friends, you want to underage drink sometimes or make out with someone in a movie theatre like a normal kid. You don’t want to be a 24/7 role model to toddlers. That’s literally insane.
So listen, Disney stars of tomorrow, I need you to take it easy. When you decide to rebel, do it in a chill way. If you try to drink all the whiskey in a 12 block radius and then drive your Porsche through a church picnic, it’s going to get ugly.
There’s going to come a time in your lives when you think “I hate toddlers. Can I drink 3 bottles of tequila then drive on a sidewalk?” and the answer no one is going to give you is “no.” You’re going to hate that you get older and your fans stay the same age, while the rest of the world goes on Twitter and calls you a talentless asshole. No one wants to be called a talentless asshole, and your friends and family will tell you those people are just jealous (although it’s not jealousy that makes people act that way, it’s just what dumb people think is the cause), but when literally over a million people call you names, just because you exist, it’ll dishearten anyone. You just need to know it’s going to happen, and that your reaction doesn’t have to be cocaine or punching a photographer.
Disney stars of tomorrow, you’ve been given a rough lot in life. On the one hand immense fame and wealth, on the other a soulless machine from which the only escape you’ll be able to devise is self destruction. You’re not the first, so don’t let it get you down too much. Remember that lots of people are always willing to forgive but you’d be even further ahead of the game if you just choose not to become a monster at all. By all means, grow up and have fun, but maybe don’t commit felonies along the way. Child actors can grow up mostly normal. And always remember, thanks to reruns, no matter how old you get there’s going to be 21 year olds who watched you and loved you when they were kids and will probably do you now just for a sense of erotic nostalgia. And really, isn’t that why we all want to be famous to begin with? Well, maybe not you, you started when you were 10. But you get the idea.